Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my Teenagerrrrrrr!!!!!!!!

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 11:17 am

Sooooooo, I want to teach my teen responsibility. I inform him that I will no longer be waking him up in the morning, he has no choice, he can't pretend to not hear his alarm clock anymore. I warn him that if he doesn't leave on time, he will not get computer time that day, I try to encourage him to shower and prepare his food the night before.

He went to school an HOUR LATE!!!!!! He's been around 15-20 minutes late almost every single day this school year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The worst part is, it's my fault, I molly coddled him for soooooo long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really controlled myself not to say anything, I was gritting my teeth, but he could tell I was angry.......grrrrrrrrrr why can't I be a mom like I envisioned? A Mom who is calm and loving?

Ok, Mantra repeat: You are doing the right thing, he may have hissy-fits now but this is for his sake in the long run. No Imamother complaints about him when he's married that he's irresponsible.
You are doing the right thing, he may have hissy-fits now but this is for his sake in the long run. No Imamother complaints about him when he's married that he's irresponsible.
You are doing the right thing, he may have hissy-fits now but this is for his sake in the long run. No Imamother complaints about him when he's married that he's irresponsible.

Banging head

amother

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 11:23 am

Yes, you are doing the right thing. If he is late to school, HE will have to pay the piper. He sounds like a typical teen, abdicating responsibility. He will have to learn the hard way. Being punctual is part of life. Have some tea and chocolate. You will feel better.

greenfire

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 11:27 am

it's amazing how being late can mess up an entire morning ... hopefully ~ & it's about time that you let him ~ he'll learn the consequences for this

now have a cup of coffee & relax - you did the right thing coffee

imasinger

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 11:35 am

I feel your pain.

Teens are like toddlers, only larger, hungrier, and sometimes lazier.

Maybe try a carrot along with your stick? Is there some immediate reward, or token towards something bigger, that he could earn by getting up on time?

amother

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 11:42 am

I wake up my teens. Amnibdoing anything wrong? I feel they have such a long day, a lot of homework and tight schedule and b"h they are trying their best to do it on time and doing good. I can still wake them up in the morning. They won't have me for long. After high school they are not going to be home anymore.

bubbebia

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 12:00 pm

And how is he getting to school when he's late? Don't you be taking him! And if he's taking a cab/car service, he's got to pay for it with his own money. Don't you be shelling out the cash either. He'll change his tune real fast that way.

greenfire

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 12:03 pm

on the flip side - what if you don't wake them up & they stay in your hair all day ... I've always made my kids a hearty breakfast - this seems to get their day on a positive note

Chayalle

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 12:15 pm

Girls are different than boys, but my teenager gets up with her alarm, gets herself ready (dressed, contacts, brushing teeth, etcc), prepares her own food bag (the night before), gets her own breakfast (though when I'm able I offer her a scrambled egg) and gets herself out of the house....by 7:30 a.m. I drove her to school once this year, so far. (Don't worry - we have teenage struggles in other areas.....lest you begin to think we are housing Miss Perfect....)

But we didn't start this year with this...it's been a buildup for some years, till she got here.

OP, I think you are on the right track, but going like this cold turkey does not seem to be working for your teen. You may need to adjust this approach to something more gradual.

amother

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 1:12 pm

Some bochurim mesivtas charge knas when a bochur comes late to shacharis or shiur and your son may resort to stealing the money if his yeshiva does this.

morah

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 1:41 pm

You're doing the right thing, keep at it. If, as you say, you've been coddling him until now, it will take awhile to see results. But they will come if you remain consistent.

amother

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 1:47 pm

OP here,

Thanx all for your hugs, reassurances and joint war stories.

He receives so many Carrots for other things, I'm just reluctant to give one for this particular thing. I know that cold Turkey is not the best option, unfortunately, with this particular kid, it seems to be the only way to get him going.

freidasima

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 1:58 pm

Of course you are doing the right thing, and he should make his own lunch to take with him as well. What is this? He is three? If he is over bar mitzva he is a man, period. Act like one or pay the price.

Is he the kind of kid that doesn't care about anything? Won't care if he gets thrown out of school? Kids like that do better then going to work and not school anyhow. a bit of hard knocks and they will run to make up school when they are older (GRE etc.)

No coddling for boys. They have to be men if they aren't sick otherwise they won't survive in this world.

greenfire

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 2:02 pm

how are girls different than boys ... no way ... it's a personality thing aka morning person or night owl

Chayalle

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 2:08 pm

greenfire wrote:

how are girls different than boys ... no way ... it's a personality thing aka morning person or night owl

That may be true (morning vs. night) but since OP was speaking about a boy, and I don't have any boys just yet, I didn't feel qualified to offer an unqualified opinion, KWIM? Because there are LOTS of areas where teenage boys and girls differ. Even I know that.

My DD is NOT a morning person (I keep out of her way in the morning for that reason, and let her just get on with what she needs to do) but neither is she a detention person (as in, come in on Sundays to make up for showing up late another day) so she gets herself out.

Hey....maybe OP's son's school needs to start a detention program......that might help.....

Edited to add: How are girls different than boys? I think that would be for another thread but.....they are moody according to a pre-defined cycle, for starters. At least some of them are, anyway.

freidasima

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 2:12 pm

Girls usually mature earlier than boys greenie, at least from what I have seen on the personal level, so while a 12 year old girl can be totally responsible for getting up, making lunch for herself, tidying up the kitchen afterwards and even getting a younger sibling up, it's a rare boy of 12 who is up to that.

They kind of have to be forced into becoming men, otherwise many of them will morph into irresponsible peter pans that last until their 20s and even later.

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 2:12 pm

I would make his lunch the night before. It's a girl thing.

I would NOT go into a male's bedroom to wake him up. Not modest.

Shower? Leave it alone. That's none of your business either. Not modest. His buddies will inform him when that isn't handled right.

What's big deal?

You might nudge him into bed on time. He won't get up if he is tired. He shouldn't be tired. It is natural to be exhausted building an adult body. And let him eat as much as he can hold, never remark he's eating too much.

No drama and no lighted screens during the hour before bedtime, ideally. At least, no drama.

You can't get him into bed and you can't make him sleep. But you can clear the path toward those things by removing evening drama.

I would start lowering the house lighting two hours before the time you want him to go to sleep. Turn off the kitchen light, one light in the living-room, that kind of thing. Have nightlights around so people don't stumble however, especially near stairs.

Make breakfast for him. He has plenty of time later to be lonely in the morning when his wife ignores him getting the children out. Be pleasant, say little, proffer hot coffee or herb tea or whatever suits your nutritional ideology.

If getting up is going from pleasant to awful, nobody is going to do it, or not very well.

You don't make a man by breathing for him. But you don't make a man by making it a horrible thing to be. Or by having it mean, "ok, you are big, so I have stopped providing food for you. Because you have two hands and can make it yourself". That is something of a betrayal. You won't get the best bed in the nursing home later from that kind of attitude.

If you don't make his food, his wife won't either, and you don't want that. Train him to consider himself a good man and a gentleman. That doesn't mean helpless, it means worth feeding.

We do have a gendered culture here.

Act toward him the way you hope his wife will. It might work. It might not, too, but at least you tried.

There is no reason you should treat him worse than you treat his father.

It's not his fault he grew up from legitimately helpless kid to unmarried grown dude. He still gets goodies. He didn't do anything to merit losing them.

Even though he is now competent to function untouched and unhelped by human hands, that doesn't mean he has to.

amother

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 2:21 pm

OP here,

Dolly, making lunch and preparing food is a girl thing? seriously? you really believe that? No wonder we have so many wives here on the board complaining about their husbands who can't/won't make themselves a fried egg or a Tuna sandwich and nudge their wives to do it for them.

His School is 4 blocks away, I actually think I will talk to the principal about his lateness if this doesn't improve things.

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 2:34 pm

You pay tuition money and they don't punish lateness? I know you pay for a lot more than that, but they are there to do that, it seems to me.

He should not have attitude that he can't make himself a sandwich if he wants one and the kitchen is closed.

But he is still a kid in age, he is in the age where he is both a kid and not a kid. It is tender to make a kid's lunch for school. When he is chomping on it, he will feel the love that made it. That is in the middle of a demanding day and it helps.

Same goes for breakfast. It is tender.

As for later marital attitudes, there is nothing worse than being married to a man who knows how to cut a tomato better than you do. My friend has that. She hates life. She says if she re-marries, it will be to a man who wildly appreciates anything put in front of him, because his mom fed him, he loved his mom, and if it had ketchup on it, it was all right. That's her current fantasy. Poor girl.

perquacky

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 2:41 pm

We need to teach our teenagers--and all of our children--to be responsible for certain things at a young age. DH and I both leave the house before our children do, and when our live-in left a few months ago, we decided not to hire anyone new.

For my one eleven-year-old DS who has trouble getting up in the morning, I call the house from the train, have my DD bring him the phone, and I coax him out of bed. He knows that there are consequences for being late to school, especially since he needs to walk DD to school too. No computers, no video games, no Legos, whatever. So far, it's been working.

My 14- and 12-year old boys know that if they miss the bus, there's no getting to school and there will be consequences for that too.

All the kids need to make and pack up their own lunches. If they forget, too bad. And if they need to buy something because they forgot, they have to pay for it themselves.

Oh, we have plenty of other things to deal with that don't run as smoothly, and my kids are not the most disciplined of children, but in with these morning and evening routines, we've had a lot of success.

(I also told the kids that if I have to quit my job to be home with them in the morning because they can't get up, eat breakfast, and make it to school on time, then all six of us will have to move into an apartment, because we won't be able to afford our mortgage, and do they really want that to happen?! Very Happy

)

greenfire

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 2:48 pm

freidasima wrote:

Girls usually mature earlier than boys greenie ...

maybe so ... but there are some boys - aka sonny boy - who knows how to get up in the morning & knows how to cook & shower without being coaxed as does dd#3 ... whilst some girls just sleep away the morning aka as dd#1 & dd#2 and cannot get themselves going no matter what & need to be more than coaxed - pushed & pried out of bed with a cafe grande and lots of coddling ... those type of people don't change much as they grow up ...

yeah ... not a boy/girl thing - but a personality thing - in my experience

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