my teen has a secret life

amother

Tue, Nov 19 2013, 3:13 pm

We're having lots and lots of trouble with our 14 y.o DS. The latest shock is that he bought himself an Ipad for over $300, but had really no way of having that much money. How I know? Because I found the receipt: he return a $60 dollar game plus an ipod and got himself this instead. Where he got those items in the first place I have no idea, but he keeps treating himself to nice things all the time. I can't confront him because he blows up and may run off and he's good at what he does because he doesn't get caught. Can't afford psychologist and even if I would it takes years to see the result. I am scared for him and I am scared for us.
I would love to shake him up and show what this kind of stuff leads to , but don't know how and where to turn. Will take advise, hugs, whatever you've got to offer...

amother

Tue, Nov 19 2013, 4:03 pm

Warning: You will not like what I have to say.

Your son is either stealing or dealing drugs or gambling or all of the above. He is not getting the money to purchase these things legally.

He will get caught eventually. Actually, it would be better for him to get caught now, before he is older and before he moves on to bigger crimes.

If you are afraid of him at 14 what do you think will happen when he is 17/18/19? He will be bigger and stronger and more independent.

If you think you can't afford a psychologist, what will you do when you need a lawyer for him?

Is there a grown-up he respects that you can confide in? Can you search his room and find evidence against him that you can use to scare him straight or take to the police and have him arrested?

I know this sounds harsh. I am unfortunately speaking from personal experience. You need to speak to social worker or somebody with experience with juvenile delinquents immediately.

Hug

carpediem

Tue, Nov 19 2013, 4:11 pm

amother wrote:

First of all, dont 'confront' him- it's just going to make him defensive. Open up the lines of communication in a non confrontational way... "I just wanted to talk to you about how things are going.."

Also, it doesn't take years to see the 'results' of therapy. With a good therapist, you should see a difference in his behavior within a few months. I understand therapy is expensive- do you have insurance? Some plans cover it. Another thing that might be helpful is to get him a big brother- an older boy who can take him out to chill, hang out & will be there for him.

Thirdly, make sure you keep telling him how much you love him. He sounds like he's in a lot of pain and is in some sort of trouble. Most kids like that are desperate to lean on someone. Compliment him, love him, be there. We all survived our teenage years- he will too.

Hatzlocha! Hug

imasinger

Tue, Nov 19 2013, 4:17 pm

You can't afford NOT to have a psychologist. Something is going on. Borrow, find a sliding scale, something. Help will be needed here. Maybe you should plan on going together at first, and focusing on your relationship, so the he doesn't feel like a counselor is his parents' policeman, hired to shape him up.

Before offering further advice, a few questions. What is your relationship like in general with this DS? What is he like as a person? What was his Bar Mitzvah learning and experience like? Who is he close to, both adult and peer?

Last edited by imasinger on Tue, Nov 19 2013, 4:43 pm; edited 1 time in total

wispalover

Tue, Nov 19 2013, 4:31 pm

amother wrote:

Is there a way you can ask where he got such a great Ipad from? Don't accusingly ask, just say you are in the market for something great as a treat for yourself and you see how beneficial the Ipad is. How does he like it, where is it from yada yada and casually ask how much it cost. When he mentions a price, say something like "wow, I didn't realise you had been working so hard and managed to save so much." Keep it light, see if he says something.
If not, return to the conversation again the next night and say "you know, I was thinking, that is a lot of money for a boy your age to have. How did you manage to save so much?".. if he fumbles around a bit for an answer I would ask really calmly if everything is ok, if he wants to discuss something and let him know you are always available and what a great kid he is. Offer to go out with him to Starbucks on a mommy-DS date for a chat, maybe?

I, for one, do not think he is stealing. I am not sure how he is getting the cash but most places (taget, best buy etc) a) keep anything "I"related locked up, b) tag everything in store, especially expensive video games and c) wouldn't return items like ipods/video games without receipts and rarely issue store credit for expensive amounts without receipts without a drivers license or state ID.

I have no clue how the money is coming though. Hug

amother

Tue, Nov 19 2013, 4:34 pm

A bit over the top. Secret life. Amother above- for sure 100% drugs or gambling.

Listen, he is hiding things from you, no more - no less. Doing things you don't want him to do.

So you need to learn how to manage the situation where it shouldn't lead to what you fear and amother above describes.

Do not send him to a psychologist, at this time it doesn't seem clear he needs one. He is just starving for I-things because everyone has them, teenage candy his parents don't let him eat.

Maybe you can use a few sessions with a person who is experienced and successful with teens. So this blows over and doesn't blow up.

You must handle this well so that it shouldn't blow up. Think 10 times before you do anything because handling this well is very crucial to where it leads.

If I could think - what I would do/say-

I would plainly (not accusatorily) sit down on the couch (no where formal) and say - look, I found a receipt laying around. You must have really wanted an Ipad that you did all this to get one. PAUSE. Not any anger, worry or judgemental face. See if he talks. Wait for it.
If he talks b"h. Listen. Don't interrupt - don't say anything until you are sure he isn't going to volunteer even one more thing.

Then tell him no matter what he should never feel the need to hide things from you (trouble is better to handle if you know about it).

You remain that you don't want him to have one.
Say "I don't know at all. I have to think" When he asks if you will take it away) Hopefully he doesn't lie more and say it is not his. If he does give a "you think I am that unsmart look and pray he renegs)
Legitimize his reasons for wanting one.

Yes - it is hard to be the only kid without one, yes you want to fit in, be with it. Yes, they are fun. Yes they can do so many good things. And so on. Don't put any BUT's in until he feels understood.

Then explain again the reason you don't want him to have one is because.......x y & z which could lead to him having a long hard wait with possible troubles until he grows up and is on his own and you don't want that for him, you want him to have a great.....and don't start that sentence with the word BUT either.

Tell him you don't know what you will do....when he inevitably asks that - you should take time before getting back to him to think on it - nothing done rashly. Discuss it over with your dh , with psychologist etc.

Do not punish him. Only let natural consequences be, don't create consequences.

It depends what he says and how that goes on what I would do from there.

I might do anything from you need to sell it, to you can keep it and we will hold it and you can use it with permission given at times, etc....

But the main outcome you want is to stop his need for secrecy. That is the most dangerous.

wispalover

Tue, Nov 19 2013, 5:05 pm

amother wrote:

Did I misunderstand? Is this about you not wanting him to have the Ipad or actually where he got it from or both? (basing this on amothers post above)

amother

Tue, Nov 19 2013, 9:28 pm

Ohhhhhh....

I didn't understand from the first post that you Know that he steals - more than a 1 time thing. ADHD or not, either he goes to a psych or you do for guidance. ADHD + at risk teen behavior= you don't have a choice. You don't need to wait until it gets even worse.

Do you know he stole? Do you suspect he did? Or do you think its still possible he got the money honestly?

Have you read the books by Hallowell on how to raise ADHD challenged kids? If not you should.

But just keep giving him the love to nurture him even through this as you find your way.

dr hallowell, the dr who has adhd himself

ElTam

Tue, Nov 19 2013, 11:51 pm

Quote:

OP- don't know who asked, but he sold and bought it in GameStop, they deal in used stuff.
The thing is, that he worked and made money, but not anywhere near the sums that he operates. We don't have money and yes he is jealous, but when did it become OK to steal?

A lot of the stuff GameStop buys is stolen goods. A person lifts someone else's property and sells it for cash.

Amother, as someone above wisely said, you can pay for a counselor now or a lawyer later. Because sooner or later, he is going to get caught. Go to a gemach, talk to your rav, pull out all the stops. Find out what resources there are for kids at risk in your community.

If you know he is stealing, I think you also have to be willing to be a policeman in your own house. Demand receipts, accounting for where each penny came from. If he can't provide it, you confiscate the item until he can. Looking the other way is not going to help in this situation. Explain to him (as many times as you have to) that you are doing this for his own good, because you don't want to be visiting him in jail or juvenile hall.

amother

Wed, Nov 20 2013, 1:37 am

Looks like you ended this, but one more question - who are his friends? Are his friends good kids? My son told us very little at that age and I was never sure if he was up to something (did very little schoolwork, if he even went), but his friends were really fine boys. They wouldn't have hung out with a kid that stole or did other things. Kids can't keep a secret life from other kids. -

Also his ravs (this was a few years) had a better understanding of this age than us (they'd been dealing with 30 of them every day for years) - they would convince us that he's a good kid just going through teen problems and the most important thing is to let him know that we're here and open, and not to push with too many questions

Now, my situation may have actually been better (didn't seem that way then), but my advice is take a look at his friends, and speak to his rav- Those 2 things will give you a better feel of who your kid really is

FranticFrummie

Wed, Nov 20 2013, 3:53 am

ElTam wrote:

Quote:

My intuition is that this boy's friends, and siblings of friends, have had all kinds of stuff "go missing". Especially in larger families, it's easy to blame one of the other kids for losing something. "Missing" items go to the game shop, and voila - instant iPad.

My DD's best friend talked her into stealing toys from other kids on the block. When I found out I was furious. I made her return everything, apologise to both the kids and the parents, and grounded her for two weeks.

The friend's parents took the girl shopping, because "She obviously NEEDED these things she stole." Rolling Eyes

DD thinks that her friend's parents are "total idiots".

Guess which kid is still stealing? Yeah, it's the girl who's not allowed in our house unless she is closely supervised at all times. She knows that the next time something gets swiped, she'll be banned from the house permanently. (I give second chances, but not thirds.)

the world's best mom

Wed, Nov 20 2013, 6:48 am

Yes, he needs help. A psychologist is a must.

But I think the best thing you can do for him now is to take him out somewhere and have a good time together. Just the 2 of you. Go out to eat, or to an amusement park, or an electronics store, or whatever will make him happy. You pay for it. Do it again in a couple of weeks, and keep doing it.

2 rules for while you are out:

1- Enjoy yourselves.

2-Avoid touchy topics. But definitely show lots of interest in his life. Ask about school, teachers, friends, ect. Keep it pleasant.

The purpose is to show him that you love him no matter what. Soon you will get to the point where he'll be okay with talking about more important things with you. But not yet. By then he should have a psychologist and between the 2 of you, you can help him.