my teen has a secret life

imasinger

Wed, Nov 20 2013, 7:36 am

You don't have to stay in despair. I can relate, really. ADHD can combine with teenage angst to create all kinds of horrible things. I have seen it firsthand. But there is still hope.

Have you consulted a counselor yourself to get tips for ways to reach and help him? If not, that may be the way to start. WBM's tips are great, too. You will need to have a better bond in order to make changes.

It is still possible. Really.

Frumdoc

Wed, Nov 20 2013, 11:35 am

Just to calm this all down a bit.

Yes, some children do steal, and if he has done it before, it is slightly more likely.

But children, boys especially, are often very entrepreneurial in the school yard, particularly when they really really want something they know you will not get them, like electrical stuff, games etc. My dh, my brothers and even my nephews have been through phases in their teens when they can earn what seems like obscene amounts of money by buying sweets or some other harmless contraband in large volumes and selling it at stupid prices in school or camp. Things like ices, cookies, drinks etc.

I am still shocked when I hear the amounts they earned and what they bought, violent computer games, ipods etc. All legal, but behind their parents back.

It would be highly unusual for a frum boy, even one who has impulsivity issues and likes high end electrical goods, to be selling hard drugs or zex, unless he was mixed up in a very bad crowd. I'm not saying it's impossible, but my experience of boys with their toys is that many do this, they have some kind of deep rooted need for this kind of stuff, and there is ample opportunity to raise money by selling stuff at school, or in the neighbourhood without resorting to stealing or anything else, CVS.

greenfire

Wed, Nov 20 2013, 11:52 am

seems like you're saying he's got anger issues ... that is a serious therapeutic issue ...

that being said - I think if you can't be upfront with him - who on earth can ? don't accuse him - or talk down to him - talk to him out of genuine concern and try to open smooth communication ...

make sure you remind him that you love him & care ...

I never let my kids out of my sight without saying 'I love you ~ be safe' ... I figure in this way despite being rebellious they re-think before they do something stupid & know I still love them unconditionally Broken Heart

amother

Wed, Nov 20 2013, 9:05 pm

OP here - Lets say he didn't steal. I don't want him to have internet connection because he uses it for watching [filth]. Knowing this, he hides the Ipad. What can I give him instead of what he has now that is as entertaining and kosher?

As you see there are three issues really:1)secrecy, 2)stealing, 3)internet.
This boy has no friends because of the social issues. He doesn't understand what boundaries or authority are. He only knows that he has rights, but doesn't accept any responsibility for his own actions. When he gets caught stealing/lying he seems to have no remorse. He acts as if he is thinking "oh well this trick didn't work out. Will try harder next time." At one time I thought he was a sociopath, his psychologist at the time din't agree.
Thank you everyone who chimed in. I know imamother doesn't substitute a shrink. Just needed to vent. Thank you

frumygirl42

Mon, Dec 16 2013, 10:46 pm

I suppose I'd have to add on to the people saying you should try and get him a competent therapist.

As for finding something "as entertaining" and "kosher," I'm afraid your out of luck. The internet offers near limitless and varied entertainment (and it is a lot more then just [filth]). I would try and go about it from a different angle. Assuming you know he still watches [filth], you should try to talk to him about it (I realize that could be difficult, but it would seem to me to be the right thing to do). Tell him that you don't agree with it, why you don't, and in general be there for him.

1) Secrecy - By making yourself more available for him, hopefully he won't feel the need to be as secret. If he feels,understands, and knows (though it might tae a long while) that his mother understands him, and will always be on his side (though she may not agree or support his actions) no matter what, he won't feel the need to be as secretive.

2) Stealing - This does need to stop. You could try explaining the potential consequences of his actions (from the law side, not yours) and also try explaining why he shouldn't be stealing from an ethical point of view. Again, a good therapist can also be a major help.

3) Internet - Here I have to ask: Is it simply [filth] you're against, or his usage of the internet as a whole, regardless of [filth] or not? If it is just [filth], see beginning of post.If it's the internet as a whole, I don't have much to help unfortunately, because to be honest I feel you might be fighting losing battle there.

persephonefalls

Tue, Dec 17 2013, 2:20 am

Everyone seems to think the money is drug/gambling/otherwise illicit money.

OP, are you 100% sure he's not stealing from you? Obviously that's not a good thing, but if he is, that means he's not involved in any of the more unsavory options. I know that I went through a stage as a teenager where I wanted more than I had, and would lift cash from my parents' spare cash supply so I could buy new clothes/makeup/etc.

It wasn't right and I shouldn't have done it, but at least I wasn't gambling or dealing drugs. Maybe hopefully the problem is easier to stem than that.