dd says her uncle pulled up her skirt and rubbed her- locked

amother

Thu, Dec 05 2013, 11:07 pm

cookiecutter wrote:

You need to figure out what is most likely to yield the best result in that regard, and do it, without regard for the consequences. I.e. if you think telling your in-laws has a 30% chance of resulting in therapy for the kid and a 90% chance of ruining your relationship with them, while talking to his rebbi has a 15% chance of resulting in therapy or assistance for the kid and a 30% chance of ruining your relationship with your in-laws, you tell your in-laws and run the risk. The safety and long-term emotional health of two children is at stake here; your in-laws feelings and where you eat on yom tov don't really come into play.

The answer to this is that there is a 0% chance of his getting therapy through is parents. I don't know his Rebbe- he goes to a chassidish school. Probably a 5% chance of that helping. If I can find out who his Rebbe even is and get dh to agree to speak to him. I'm sure the rebbe wouldn't speak to me.

And dd is 7.

bamamama

Thu, Dec 05 2013, 11:09 pm

amother wrote:

bamamama wrote:

No no no. If he's doing it to your kids, YOU HAVE AN OBLIGATION to speak to his parents about this. You have an obligation to talk to any other SILs you have or to anyone else who brings their kids to your ILs house.

BY STAYING SILENT TO PROTECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR ILs, YOU ARE PUTTING OTHER CHILDREN AT RISK.

I'm going to post this message and then report your thread if someone doesn't beat me to it. We are all mandated reporters. Sweeping this under the rug is absolutely the wrong thing to do. Your BIL needs help so that he doesn't hurt more kids.

OP here. Staying silent will not be putting other kids at risk. The other kids will just as much at risk if I do speak up because no one will believe me. That's why I don't know if it's worth having my in laws cut off all ties with us. I know my main job is to protect my children, and I'm trying to figure out how to do that. If the only way is to anger my in laws then I will. Don't worry.

Dh works in a place where there is a psychologist. He is planning to ask him what to do. Dh thinks dd may be making it up, but I told him I don't think so and he should ask the psychologist what the chances are that she would make this up. He said he could speak to his brother, but I told him that will not help a thing because he needs professional help. I can't see how to get him that help though.

I'm not going to put too fine a point on this: tell your ILs or it will be reported for you to the authorities.

I'm going to screencap this thread and will send it to my local police. They will contact imamother an subpoena your IP and find you. I'm not trying to scare you. But you aren't taking this as seriously as you need to.

Last edited by bamamama on Thu, Dec 05 2013, 11:13 pm; edited 1 time in total

cookiecutter

Thu, Dec 05 2013, 11:11 pm

amother wrote:

cookiecutter wrote:

So then you need to send her to a therapist who specializes in this, and not be there anymore. I am not the person you should be reacting to.

bubbebia

Thu, Dec 05 2013, 11:12 pm

It doesn't matter how old DD is. This is s-xual abuse. OP, you have an obligation to your daughter and to no one else. If you don't step up and protect her how can she ever expect anyone else to do so? This is your job as a parent. Have you told DH yet? You need to tell him right away. And you know what, if he doesn't go along with it, you take your kids and you walk out that door. This is not a game. This is the life of your children.

You say you want to protect your child. Well this means you need to spill the beans. You tell his parents and let them know under no circumstances will he ever be allowed in the same building as your DD. If you can't guarantee he will not have any contact with her, you don't go there and you certainly never leave him alone with her--or any other girl for that matter. And then you find her a good therapist who deals with s-xual abuse victims. If you are incapable of reporting him, then let the therapist do it! (you might want to consider only a female therapist). A therapist is a mandated reporter.

Protect your child at all costs but don't let this happen to any other child either! You have no idea how many other little girls he's abused. Stop the abuse now!

bamamama

Thu, Dec 05 2013, 11:21 pm

MaBelleVie wrote:

Bamamama, you can't force people to press charges. And if the local police actually take this thread and subpoena anybody, hair will grow on my palm.

You can't be serious, MBV. If a child is being victimized? The issue can absolutely be forced. The RCMP could very easily get Yael to hand over the poster's IP in the interest of protecting a child.

MaBelleVie

Thu, Dec 05 2013, 11:23 pm

bamamama wrote:

MaBelleVie wrote:

Bamamama, you can't force people to press charges. And if the local police actually take this thread and subpoena anybody, hair will grow on my palm.

You can't be serious, MBV. If a child is being victimized? The issue can absolutely be forced. The RCMP could very easily get Yael to hand over the poster's IP in the interest of protecting a child.

Unfortunately, to my knowledge that is not the protocol for these cases.

Regardless, don't you think OP needs to be educated- not threatened?

bamamama

Thu, Dec 05 2013, 11:26 pm

MaBelleVie wrote:

bamamama wrote:

MaBelleVie wrote:

Bamamama, you can't force people to press charges. And if the local police actually take this thread and subpoena anybody, hair will grow on my palm.

You can't be serious, MBV. If a child is being victimized? The issue can absolutely be forced. The RCMP could very easily get Yael to hand over the poster's IP in the interest of protecting a child.

Unfortunately, to my knowledge that is not the protocol for these cases.

Regardless, don't you think OP needs to be educated- not threatened?

How do you think that education is working out? I'm concerned about other kids her BIL might be doing it to. I have every confidence that OP can protect her dd from here on out. The BIL needs help before he hurts someone else and, in the process, causes himself legal problems.

amother

Thu, Dec 05 2013, 11:29 pm

And bamamama, you don't have to worry. I am going to do all that is humanly possible to get him and dd the help they need. My in laws are a handicap though, since they will do their best to prevent me from helping. And they are his parents. As of now, I don't know how to navigate around them. But I will speak to various professionals and find out what my best move would be.

boysrus

Thu, Dec 05 2013, 11:30 pm

to the OP
I am so sorry to hear about this. when I had not yet read what your dd's age was, I was really hopin gyou would say she was really little, 3 or 4. but to hear tht she is 7 made me even sadder. she is too old to forget this, I really think that at some point she might need therapy to get over this. I am so sorry, an so sad for you. your situation is really tough.

I am concerned though that you should think very carefully before discussing htis with her counsellor. please, only discuss this problem with a properly trained counsellor who will follow all rules an laws about privacy. I am saying this, because too often in our frum communities, the social workers nd counsellors int he schools are just not professional enough in my opinion, and you obviously do not want this problem to be known about and to be a stigma about your dd.
please only speak to proper professionals who understand privacy regulations

amother

Thu, Dec 05 2013, 11:33 pm

Take dd to a therapist. The therapist is a mandated reporter and will report what dd said. This takes it out of your hands. Your bil will get the help he needs despite his parents. And if they cut you off-let them! Why would you want people in your lives who allow your dd to be molested?

Signed,

BTDT and cut off from family to protect my dd. And happy to be so.

amother

Thu, Dec 05 2013, 11:39 pm

There is an organization called SOVRI that can help you navigate these difficult waters. Please call their hotline at 888-613-1613. They can really help you figure out what to do and give you the resources that you need. The hotline is open Monday-Thursday from 9:30 AM to 5:30 PM and on Friday from 9:30 AM to 1:30 PM.

Please call, for your daughter's sake and for yours.

bamamama

Thu, Dec 05 2013, 11:52 pm

amother wrote:

These last 2 posts were comforting. (By greenfire and amother.) They were both ideas that might work. I think that's what I want- to have someone else do the reporting and checking out. It's easier that way. Not to leave it alone, but not to become the mr. bad guy who started up with the big bad in laws.

Gently, you may still end up as the bad guy to them, but you'll be a hero to your dd and to other mothers like me whose children your call helped protect. I definitely agree it's better to let a professional do the dirty work in this case.

amother

Fri, Dec 06 2013, 12:17 am

Lady Godiva wrote:

amother wrote:

Why isn't your dh handling this? His family, he handles. No need for you to be the one.

Heck, no!
Her children, she's involved. PERIOD.

I meant doing the talking and possibly whatever-ing his parents, let them be annoyed at him. Of course she can never let her dc alone with the bil again ever ever. And I wouldn't sleep there anymore, too hard to watch them for so long. But her dh should be the one telling his own parents how it is, why should she be the one who has to do a hard conversation (aka the dirty work), its his parents. Does he not look out for his kids too?