Help me not to (express being) angry about Xmas in public sc

Pita

Thu, Dec 19 2013, 10:22 pm

My children attend public school. We are in the bible belt, and I believe we are the only Jews (there are a few mixed families) in the school. When my eldest was in kindergarten, once I understood that Santa Clause was visiting every class, I spoke to the principal. Things were better. Now we have a new principal and I must start over.

I am so angry. They took all the children to see "Santa", and the children who "opted out" had to sit in the classroom while the others got candy. I am ashamed to say that I actually relented (after my daughter begged) and allowed her to go. I came to keep an eye on things. When she sat on his lap I literally nearly fainted. My heart was racing, I couldn't catch my breath, I was doubled over in a chair. I will never allow my child to do that again.

But my kindergartner's teacher has tried so hard. She gives the kids snacks, and once when she was unsure about a snack and she could not get hold of me she actually called the Jewish day care to make sure it was kosher. She taught about Hanukkah for 5 days. She had me talk about Rosh Hashana. She just cannot understand why I am not ok with my child sitting on "Santa"'s lap. I believe she feels that she has gone out of her way, and that I am being hostile. I don't want to ruin her good feelings toward us. But I am very emotional in general and am having a very hard time shutting up about anything. Not just protecting my daughter.... I just keep blabbing to whomever is around me about how upset I am, whether it is appropriate or not.

I have had friends before that have told me they are disturbed by how hostile I am about Xtianity. This didn't bother me as long as I hid it from outsiders. But my daughters are really upset by it. They love their grandmother (my step-mother), who is not Jewish (I love her, too, and she never does anything inappropriate with the children). They love their non-Jewish teachers and friends, all of whom are genuinely nice. They sense my anger, though, and it really bothers them. I am afraid to give them a bad taste with regard to Judaism. I have tried so hard to make sure they see the beauty of Judaism, and so far I have succeeded. But my hostility is threatening this good feeling.

One problem is, really, I have no respect for Xtianity. None. At least Protestantism. It is a religion that believes one takes with no obligation, just "faith" is enough. I grew up with it being shoved down my throat. I was told regularly that I will go to hell. Fine. Have your belief. But leave my kids alone.

HOW DO I CALM DOWN?

amother

Thu, Dec 19 2013, 11:12 pm

Hi Pita! I grew up Xtian and converted as an adult, just so you know where I'm coming from here.

You have a tough situation, being the only frum family and sending your kids every day into an environment where you're worried other kids are going to tell them they're going to hell etc. That's a pretty vulnerable situation, wanting to raise your kids one way but knowing that the place they spend most of their day in has really different values. There are probably a lot of folks in town praying for your family to "see the light." You maybe wonder if the ones who befriend you have ulterior motives.

That must be so hard.

I'm going to assume you can't move right now, and you can't homeschool right now. So, since your kids are going to this school, how can you make it a positive situation as much as possible?

You have to understand that everything you do reflects on the Jewish People, so you can't be badmouthing Xtians. In fact, you can't be talking negatively, at all. Got it? Vent on Imamother, vent to someone you trust, but in public be regal. Act like the bas Melech (daughter of the King) that you are.

This kindergarten teacher has bent over backwards for you. She sounds wonderful! Santa, in her mind, is not an Xtian thing at all--it's a fun secular thing--so she has no idea why it would bother you. You have to explain, kindly, graciously, but with minimal detail, and you have to keep emphasizing how much you appreciate how wonderful she's been. If you're in damage control mode, which it sounds like you are, okay. Repair the damage as much as possible. And look ahead--are there going to be Easter bunny activities? Talk about it beforehand so no one is caught off guard. Send her a gift basket with a lovely thank-you note. Your kid is in her classroom all day long and you need her to like you.

The people you are interacting with now, as an adult, are not the same people who told you you were going to hell when you were younger. You can't lump every Xtian into one group. You say you have no respect for Protestantism. Fine. It's a man-made religion, and I don't have respect for it either. But, I do have respect for Xtians. They're human beings, created b'tzelem Elokim (in the image of Gd). Some of them are fine, moral people. Some of them are wonderful people (like my family!) Some are not. For every kid who told you you'd burn in hell, how many didn't?

If you raise your kids with clear, honest explanations of why Xtianity is a mistaken religion and why Judaism is correct, and you live a life of true connection to your Creator, and if you spend time with your children and make Jewish life joyful, then I don't think you need to have this strong fear that you have now, where you seem afraid of the power/influence you perceive the Xtians around you might exert on your children. However, I think that as your kids get older, it will be very very very difficult to raise them in an environment where there aren't other observant Jews. They need social outlets. They need mates, eventually. At the very least, can you arrange to go once a month to stay for Shabbos in the nearest frum community?

Hug

I hope things get easier for you!

bamamama

Fri, Dec 20 2013, 12:51 am

Pita, everything you do in your house counteracts everything they see/do at school. What you do at home is much more important. For the Santa experience: take a deep breath. Santa is an imaginary story which has become associated with x-mas. It's not like she was sitting on the lap of someone dressed as Yoshke. To your dd you can say, "Gosh, isn't the idea of Santa nice? Too bad it's not real. It's fun to see someone dressed up like that, though, huh?" End of story. Don't make it bigger than it really is. My 5yo likes seeing the +various representations of Santa out and about this time of year but he knows that Santa isn't real. It's just a fun story - that's it. Your being clear about this (and other dilemmas you encounter) will be enough. You do need to be proactive with your kids - they should know a little bit about Yoshke since you're in the Bible Belt and why we don't believe he is who he claims to be. And tell your kids that C.hristian kids only have C.hristmas once a year. We have lovely Shabbos every week. Aren't we lucky?

Pita

Fri, Dec 20 2013, 1:01 am

Thank you, Bamamama. When my eldest what in Kindergarten that was exactly what I did: I explained that they have to put all of the love we put into all of our holidays into just one day. So we should let them have their one day; it was nothing to be jealous about.

As to Santa; I already told my kids I think it teaches a terrible lesson when children don't appreciate efforts made for them by their parents, and when poor children feel less validated for their efforts to be good because they believe the rich children's efforts were more appreciated (they must be better as Santa gave them better gifts). So it is too late for this one. I did tell them that the story is based on a man who gave food to poor children, and this sort of thing should absolutely be applauded.

DrMom

Fri, Dec 20 2013, 1:05 am

It's hard when tachers try to be accommodating by "celebrating all holidays." They think they're being open-minded and fair and multicultural , we Jews would rather they just not involve religion in the classroom at all.

I agree that you need to reign in your hostility, especially since you are the only Jewish family in the school.

You should not expect the non-Jewish public school teacher to only feed your child kosher food. It's like expecting a non-Jewish restaurant owner to keep a kosher kitchen without a mashgiach. The fact that she actually called and checked shows she really does go above and beyond to try and accommodate your kids. Don't be hostile toward someone trying so hard.

You need to teach your kids that there will be some x-tian stuff in school, and they'll just have to go with the flow or sit out those activities in class. They know what's what from their strong Jewish upbringing at home.

Either that or send to Jewish school.

grace413

Fri, Dec 20 2013, 2:44 am

You (and your kids) are in a challenging situation.

First some good news; my sister and I were the only Jewish kids in our elementary schools and we survived and remained shomer mitzot (we moved and went to Jewish schools from junior high).

After all these years I still remember how uncomfortable I was when everybody was singing Xmas songs and doing art projects. Fortunately, they never brought Santa to school. My parents were just very matter of fact about everything - this is what they do and we do things differently. I had a very hard time with being the only "different" kid.

I think that this childhood experience is one of the things that made Israel so attractive to me. So when I wound up leaving Israel and going back to the States I could barely bring myself to leave the house during December because I hated all the xmas stuff (yes, I know not very mature of me). Then I had kids and I was really resentful - I had planned to raise my kids in Israel where they wouldn't be exposed to this. I spent a lot of time being angry and turning off the TV when PBS kids programming was about the holiday. My kids went to Jewish pre-school but just the decorations made me crazy.

I worked very hard at not letting my kids see how I felt. BH by the time my oldest was 6 we were back in Israel.

Try to reign in the hostility. It's not good for your health.

ElTam

Fri, Dec 20 2013, 2:51 am

This is really hard. I can't make suggestions on the school, because those are such unique situations that you will really have to find your own way.

On the books though, I think you just say, in a very neutral way, "Oh, these books aren't for us. Let's pick a different book to read." I do this with my kids all the time if they pick up a book or video at the library and don't realize that it's got Christian content. I just keep it very upbeat and even-keeled. Because at some point, if they pick up that it makes mommy angry, that could make it something more appealing.

Do you have PJ Library in your community? Check here: https://www.pjlibrary.org/communities.aspx

They send a free Jewish book to children under 8 each month if you are in a community that has the program. There are a lot more Jewish kids book out there, and reasonably priced now, because of this program. Does your shul have a library? Can the kids check out books there? If it doesn't, maybe you could start one.

wispalover

Fri, Dec 20 2013, 3:02 am

Pita-

I sent my DS to public school for pre-K. He learnt about all the different holidays and I embraced it. The teachers knew he was not allowed to eat anything and, if snacks were to be provided, she asked me for a specific kind of snack to send in. Truthfully they mostly had fruit, which I was ok with him having.

I am going to say this as nicely as possible, and I apologise if it comes out harsh, but you think about it from your childs' point of view. She is not in a Jewish school and she wants to join in with her class. Can you imagine how singled out she must feel already not celebrating Xmas? When all the kids go in and talk about their Xmas presents, family time, tree etc and your DD is the only one not celebrating? It is really hard for kids to understand that they get their presents a few weeks ago.
Obviously I am not advocating you start doing Xmas presents, I am just saying that if you do not have any choice but to send to this school, you need to pick your battles. If your DD went and sat on Santa Claus, because she wanted to be like the rest of her class, you need to just accept it. You didn't do it, you didn't have control over it. You can only control how you respond.

If she chose Xmas books, that for me, would be crossing a line. I would not read those books, I would instead say choose re-direction. When my DS has asked for certain books, I have said "wow. That book looks really boring for a little boy. I do not think you would enjoy it at all. I have a much better idea! Why don't we go and get you a brand new book that you pick out all by yourself?". And select from a range you will tolerate or even like, even if it is Barbie/ Disney etc.

amother

Fri, Dec 20 2013, 3:36 am

Pita wrote:

Hugs!!! I lived in the bible belt so I DO understand (if you could not tell by my name Wink

). That is completely unacceptable, and I am quite sure its ILLEGAL. Contact the superintendent, try the alderman, the mayor. Do whatever you need to do to raise awareness! if that doesn't work contact the media - they love a good religious conflict.

Yes, protestant - in the bible belt you have lots of Methodists Church of Yoshke and Southern Baptists (or evangelists). They hate catholics as much as they hate the jews and CONSTANTLY try and convert you. Obviously not everyone is like this, but it is a fundamental aspect of the religion (oh the things you learn living in the bible belt!!)

Lately I have been noticing Xmas advertisements on busses here in ISRAEL!!!

Peanut2

Fri, Dec 20 2013, 6:02 am

Feel free to PM me and we can find a way to talk in real life if you want.

I've lived in areas like this and I get the issue. I think that in addition to the self control issue you really have to separate your feelings about Christianity from how you deal with the school and teach your children about their school, their friends, Christianity, and the world they are being raised in, which is very Christian.

You had very negative experiences and you have bad associations. But you have to be neutral about this with your children. If you react this way to Santa it really confuses your children. All the kids in the class are excited and they are excited and then mommy acts like they dunked your cell phone in the toilet.

It sounds like you actually know the right stuff to say and how to act, but you are dealing with your own feelings and that makes it difficult to focus on your child's feelings and reacting and teaching your kid, without getting your own strong emotions involved.

It does sound like the teacher is amazing, and lots of people cannot understand that Santa isn't okay Jewishly. Also, she may feel that since you explain about Judaism, your daughter should be able to experience some x-mas/Christian things in the name of multiculturalism. She is missing out on the fact that Christianity is the dominant culture, and that you absorb plenty of x-mas by being physical present in the United States during December.

I think if you can find a way to deal with your own feelings - vent here, write in a journal, talk to Jews, the more you will be able to be even handed with your kid.

Pita

Fri, Dec 20 2013, 7:33 am

Dear All,

Thank you so much for the support and suggestions. It really means a lot to me. Even the virtual hugs mean a great deal. Thank you for not judging me for sending my kids to public school (there was no Jewish grade school until this year, and my Jewish-but-secular husband is not excited about the new school).

I do believe that one of the things that has made Jews a just nation, other than following Torah, of course, is the shared, almost universal experience of being a minority. This has made us sensitive to other minorities.

What upsets me is not the teacher but the school. The santa thing is school-wide. I researched the law and met with the last principal. I explained that while educating about holidays and various religions is allowed, practicing them is not. "Seasonal decorations" (read: Xmas trees) are allowed. And I said that though my preference would be to have no celebrations at all (though discussing them would be fine), I was only asking for what the law requires. The last principal took this up to the superintendent and the general counsel of the school district. Santa stopped visiting the classrooms. The PTA was very angry; it was on the news (no one knew it was me, she protected me), people wore "santa hats" in defiance.

Now comes a new principal who was unaware of the whole discussions. Apparently this line of court cases is not taught in "principal school". All of a sudden the classes are coming to see Santa, sit in his lap, ask for toys, and get photos taken. I feel angry that no one seems to understand why the case law is as it is. I tried to explain to the kids, but my 6-year old and 8-year old were, for some reason, uninterested in court precedent.

So I am trying to find the line. The teacher knows to call me if there are any gummies, marshmallows, or meat products. I provided the marshmallows for the "holiday party". I let the kids attend, play their games, etc. But there is a difference between sharing in their celebration (like visiting a friend's house) and acting as though one believes in a myth. This is why I was so upset by the Santa visit (presented as "true") and by a letter written to Santa as an in-class assignment. If, however, the assignment was to write to a mythical person, with Santa, Peter Pan, and others being options, I would have no problem.

"Going with the flow" is fine as long as my children don't forget who they are. It is fine to see the beauty in other religions and cultures, as long as you remember you are a tourist. I even take my kids to see the Xmas decorations, as why not? We can be tourists. But we do not participate. I had to draw a line somewhere. This is why, e.g., I took my older one out when they had a "Spring" egg hunt in April.

Thank you all for allowing and encouraging me to vent. This will really help.

BTW, the children pick the Xmas books at school when I am not there. They bring the books home from the school library. This is why I have such a dilemma.

I have had my coffee and my social time. Breakfast is almost ready. I am ready to be cheerful and read a book for "pajama reading day". And, of course, my children will start the day braiding Challot.

Maybe I will even figure out what to make for dinner! My husband is out of town, so it may be the "treat" for the kids of Wacky Mac.