Being a parent means unconditional love for children?

yo'ma

Sun, Dec 29 2013, 1:07 pm

zaq wrote:

Loving and liking are two different things. You can love a person even when you don't like him or her very much.

Love has to do with caring about them, wanting the best for them, being concerned about their well-being. Liking has to do with taking pleasure in their company. You can have one without the other.

I knew/know the difference, they didn't. Maybe now that they're a parent they understand.

amother

Sun, Dec 29 2013, 1:34 pm

I think the term "unconditional love" is overrated. I also think different circumstances lead to different levels of love and just because you can't imagine not loving your child it does not make you a better parent. It just makes you a judgmental one. Maybe years of IF caused you to love your child unconditionally because it was so hard for you to have him/her, but for regular families where there are real mental problems and it is so hard to love their kids, I can understand why unconditional love wouldn't exist. Conditional love is more realistic.

greenfire

Sun, Dec 29 2013, 2:22 pm

unconditional love exists ... you love the child because they are a part of you - an extension of your life ... regardless of whom they are or what you wish them to be

then you don't always like their actions - hence the hate what they do - rather than the whom they are ...

do you cut off your leg because you stubbed your toe ~ no
do you cut out your eyes because you wish they were blue ~ no

it's all a part of you & you learn how to deal with your displeasure by taking opportunities to teach the right from wrong ... not by killing them or wishing them dead ...

but you would be a fool to think that it would change your life ... because then you might as well kill yourself right along with killing them

farm

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 4:11 pm

I think Ora really said it well. In addition, I think that different people have a different threshold where their love can no longer endure. I had a friend who said her father didn't love her anymore because she ruined the mood at an exciting family event with a typical teenage sulky attitude. She literally felt like he no longer loved her or wanted her around as part of the family- he was that upset at her behavior. While I might think he is on the verge of psychopathic, that doesn't change the fact that his kid "ruining" a much anticipated event was too much for him.

imasinger

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 5:19 pm

I honestly don't know the answer to this, but I wonder if people who truly have unconditional love from parents become monsters who murder siblings, are serial rapists, etc.

After all, unconditional love doesn't mean shutting your eyes to a child's misdeeds. Rather, doesn't it mean lovng them enough to see them clearly, pay regular attention to them, acknowledge the problems, and do everything possible to understanding the root causes and support them in growing?

Wouldn't parents who love their children unconditionally see a problem and seek help when necessary, so that the children, even when faced with brain chemistry issues, would not be in a position to hurt others?

Maybe this is overly optimistic. I just don't know.

amother

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 7:18 pm

imasinger wrote:

There's a book called unconditional parenting and the premise is that if a child knows that he is unconditionally loved, of course with gentle discipline and lots of understanding and support from the parents, then he is generally happy with himself and ends up being a positive adult. Whereas if a child feels that the parents love is conditional on him being a 'good boy/girl' it develops into a dissatisfaction with oneself which could result in any number of issues as an adult.