how do you enjoy shabbos with little kids?

amother

Sat, Jan 25 2014, 10:19 pm

Before I had young children, I loved Shabbos. It was a time to connect to dh, spend time quietly reading or resting, and have a peaceful break from a hectic week. Now that I have young kids, Shabbos is soooo hard. Instead of a peaceful nice meal, we have to stop for one crying baby or stop to put a kid to sleep or other interruptions. I dread Shabbos morning when dh goes to shul since I have to keep kids occupied without exciting muktzah toys and other distractions that I can do during the week. Instead of having meaningful conversations with dh, I end up begging him to let me take a nap and he begs me to watch the kids. He asks if he can go to shul and I only let if he will watch them later for me. When he comes home, instead of welcoming him calmly, I usually am all upset and overwhelmed and just say it is your turn to take over. We often don't even have a meal together Shabbos day since I eat before he gets home and then go to sleep or just act upset.

I want to have a nice Shabbos but it is very stressful. During the week, kids are in daycare and I can go out and do things or have them listen to music or do other activities. Shabbos is very challenging. They get tired of me reading stories and being cooped up. It is too cold to stay outside and we can't drive anywhere fun.

How do you manage to not go crazy? I don't want to guilt-trip my husband into not going to shul since I need his help. I don't want to cry and complain. But even when I resolve to be calm and happy when he comes home, after 3 hours of constant crying I have had it.

Please share any tips of how Shabbos can be nice with kids and when you have time to spend with your husband with a newborn baby, toddler, and other young children at home. Thank you.

amother

Sat, Jan 25 2014, 10:26 pm

Can you say how old your kids are?
I find my kids are more manageable when I engage them so I:
let them help me set the table and set up for the meal, play a lot of board games with them, take them outside or to close-by playground, read stories, have contests (anything from who can clean up their room the fastest to who can answer the most parsha questions), etc.. It also helps that I gave up my expectation that shabbos is a day for napping and lounging around with a good book. For a mother of young kids, it usually is not.

saw50st8

Sat, Jan 25 2014, 10:34 pm

1) We go to shul - my shul has youth groups! And we have bi-weekly mommy and me program for infants and toddlers

2) We go visit friends who also have young kids

3) We invite company for shabbos lunch

4) In nice weather, we go to the park. Our shul has a summer program of "Parsha and Popsicles" so we all socialize there.

5) Change your expectations of what shabbos means - it doesn't mean a relaxing day to rest and read. It means a day to reconnect with your family.

MamaBear

Sat, Jan 25 2014, 10:42 pm

I agree with everyone else....change your expectations! If anything, since you work during the week, it should be really nice to lounge around with the kids all day. If you have an eruv, I find getting out for a long walk really helps, as does an afternoon playdate. Special shabbos treats and games etc And I make sure to prepare food I know they'll eat so that's one less battle.

granolamom

Sat, Jan 25 2014, 10:58 pm

When my kids were little it was very hard to enjoy shabbos. It helped a bit when I decided that on shabbos morning I am a camp counselor. So lots of games, books, snacks, etc. shabbos afternoon, dh and I take turns napping, in the winter we switch off one week I nap, one week he does.
Get into the habit of eating with your dh, it won't suddenly happen and I would think you'd like it to

Ruchel

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 7:55 am

What can I say... the worst is when the weather is nice, you COULD take the kid(s) out, but then one doesn't walk or would ask for his paci or whatever... or you can't handle stairs...

Lots of toys, give them more attention than during the week so they associate this with shabbes... zemiros, loooong meals, lotsa nosh... if men stayed home to kids on shabbes there would be tons of eruvin and no controversy, maybe :/

sunny90

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 8:11 am

I feel like I could have written your post! I really started disliking Shabbos. I have a 2 boys, one 4 and one 2, and a newborn baby and I find it very hard. I love summer Shabbosim in the sense that Shabbos starts at 7 and I put the kids to bed and by the time DH comes home we have a nice relaxing meal together! But then the day is long...which is also really hard!
Usually I go to my mother's house in the morning. The kids have something yummy for breakfast, can play in her garden or at least with the toys there (which are different toys) and read her books etc. This week we couldn't but the weather was nice so off we went to the park! When I'm in the house all day I definitely feel stir crazy and like strangling my entire family by the end of it. So when we don't go to my parents for the day I invite guests, or get invited out, so that our day is a little broken up. We also have some cake or something nice for breakfast. Then we have nap/rest time where I deal with the baby, 2 yo still takes a nap, and 4 yo gets watched by DH. After he goes to Mincha we usually go for a family walk. Then Shabbos is basically over.
I hate going out and sitting outside but I've resigned myself to the fact that with 3 boys, I'm going to have to become a "park mommy".

MMCH

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 9:05 am

op I could have written your post!!!!
ahh sometimes I wonder why I am the only from my friends who seem overwhelmed and stressed out by shabbos.

my days are very hectic, so shabbos in theory is a great day to lounge and enjoy my kids, except my 3 year old, since going to school, needs CONSTANT entertainment.
I dont mean like watching, or muktzah, more like, we finish a matching game, and she says "ok what should we do next" she does this all day. so im always playing this tug of war btwn my two girls.
my dh gives zero help with shabbos prep, hes too busy, so eruv shabbos is a mad house, and then finally when I light, all I wanna do is lay on the couch and read, but now adays its at the height of kvetchy bedtime madness. so then the friday night seuda, as you said, is a madhouse, bc we keep stopping for kvetchy, and bedtime children.

shabbos morning, also, the minute we wake up, we take out our special shabbos toys, which she loves, but its something every minute.
I would never think of letting my dh not go to shul, but its really hard. op im really with you.
I dont have words of advice except PLAYDATES!! and soon enough, shabbos will start @ 7pm and it will get much easier.

lubaussie

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 9:41 am

granolamom wrote:

LOVE this attitude!

sped

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 12:35 pm

I really can understand you. I was single for a while and Shabbos was a day to relax and re energize. One thing that helped is my stopping to think about it as that. I try to think about it as a day I can give my kids more attention since there is n work, phone, laundry, cooking, etc. to do.
Here are some things I do.
I try to take out 1-2 toys that haven't been out for a while just before Shabbos.
Friday, just after I light candles, I give out Shabbos treats/pekalach/whatever in a bag. It gives me a few minutes to unwind while they are busy eating.. .
I try to get a few minutes in the morning, somehow, to myself, either with a coffee and reading material, or if I am desperate, I escape to the bathroom. (really!)
We eat a special breakfast, with no pressure, get dressed at some point, I try to go out in the morning, if possible We read a lot of books, eat more treats. DH comes home pretty late, so at some point in the morning, I daven (I try to keep that to 10 minutes) and then we have kiddush. We all have grape juice, crackers and spreads and then cake or sweet yogurt/pudding. After that it is more play time /set the table time/ prepare salads and so on time. I find that if I sit and play with the kids, it goes much more smoothly. Even if I sit with them and space out it is better than away, doing my thing.
After the seudah it is more play/go out/visit friends/have friends over. Then we eat again, pajamas and sleep - or not yet. I usually don't do baths after Shabbos. If necessary, I do them Sunday morning. Then I collapse on the couch and DH wakes me when he is ready for havdalah.

amother

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 6:50 pm

I can so relate. I am a SAHM and am generally fine during the week when we can go out and keep busy, But shabbos is very hard for me. Definitely changing my expectations has helped somewhat. I don't expect to relax or rest much, but rather I see it as a day to connect in a different way with my family.

Here are some things that help me:
-I make very basic shabbos preps. Easy food, rarely have guests etc. This way, I am not stressed about additional stuff.
- In the winter, we pretty much don't expect to have a normal night meal. We just try to embrace the fact that at least the little kids get to hear kiddush and aishes chayil etc. and we try to make it a pleasant experience for them. When you have infants who need to be held and such, you just have to make the best of it.
-Shabbos morning I actually like, because I usually handle mornings on my own, but at least I have help in the early mornings on shabbos. Is DH able to help with the kids? Is there a different minyan he can go to that will enable to be around when it is more difficult for you?
-DH goes to a 9 am minyan and takes my older toddler with him to groups. We basically chose this shul because it has groups, and even though it may not be DH's favorite minyan, the groups are totally worth it.
- I stay home and we play, have snack etc. I usually meet DH at shul at the end because it gets me out of the house. DO you have neighbors around you could meet in the mornings? We are trying to start a mommy and me at my shul, but apparently no one is as desperate as me to get out, because barely anyone has been coming.
- we must get out again in the afternoon. Unless it is a blizzard, we go on a walk. Everyone can be bundled up, and it really helps. We also have people over or walk to friends houses.

But I think the biggest thing is expectations. If you are home alone shabbos morning with a bunch of little kids, the bottom line is that it is going to be hard and exhausting. It is so hard not to resent DH for getting some peace and quiet at shul while I am home with the balagan. Sometimes I am successful at staying calm and happy, and sometimes I am not.

amother

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 7:17 pm

My biggest issue is having guests. DH loves guests. I have been married well over a decade and I simply can not have a simple meal for guests. So I push myself to put out a fancy spread on nice linens with everything laid out nicely etc. I make elaborate salads etc And honestly, when you have a large family, there's always a baby or toddler in the mix...which makes it all so much harder.

I wish I could just say no guests til they;re older but I never last more than a few weeks. But each time we host it's so much work with the little ones. The cooking in advance, the setup that morning, the serving, the clean up etc

sped

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 7:26 pm

amother wrote:

wow, I didn't realize other ppl felt the same way.

but what if - you're an introvert like me, and although playdates/company/going to park helps you get through the day, it's not actually something you enjoy!
what I want to do is read a magazine all day and eat my own shabbos treats. and it's hard to get used to not doing that.

I think lots of parents would love that.This is what is called changing expectations.It isn't going to happen like that. I have times that I feel I really need that. I get up in middle of the night and read and nosh on the couch for for some time. You have to decide if it's worth giving up on sleep.