Is it from the parents? Or from where?

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 12:10 am

A friend of mine told me that someone in her daughter's gan told her daughter that she is fat. Now its not the issue here if this child really is fat or not, but where do children learn t say such things? And at a young age like gan (5 years old).
Another example that we had was that a kid in my own daughter's gan was heard to have been cursing.
What do you all think? Is this something that comes ONLY from the home? Or also from other kids (but then where are those kids learning it)?

It disturbs me when I hear these things, at such a young age. Sad

granolamom

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 12:17 am

it could come from the home, from siblings, from siblings' friends. from the bus, from neighborhood kids, from uncouth shabbos guests, youth groups in shul, babysitters, tv, etc

my four yo might be saying things like 'fat', she hears her teenage sister talk about 'getting fat' all the time. it happens.

curlgirl

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 12:18 am

Those are two very different things.

Does your daughter not know the word "fat"?

Most kids do learn that word at home, and unfortunately don't have a good filter in place yet. Kids are very honest. So especially at a young age kids say things like that.

They'll learn.

Onisa

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 12:50 am

Can be anyone and everyone.
I imagine a child saw a cat, mother mentioned oh such fat cat..
Child comes to gan, and this is fat girl.
Maybe kid even didnt know that his her remark creates such neggative response and attention. But now after he saw that, he would definetelly use it.

Onisa

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 1:11 am

Yes. For sure, talk to gannent and parents.
Cursing. It is really hard in early age to stop children from something so easy ( cursing) that has so much power to turn parents crazy. Too tempting. I hear all the times, dont show you heard it, dont give it attention. It wont be fun, they will stop.

See. Im very puzzled with shiffting from post-USSR culture to Israeli-American culture. In Russia a child can be really badly treated if he says curse word to somebody in the street. So parents arent waiting until it will go away and take real action straight away. Because the neighbor will take actiion too.
But if your child is considered fat - bad for him and for you. No tollerance. You can only teach your child to say something mean to a kid back or put him in an elite gan where parents have learned about tollerance but also a chance that everybody wont care about "fat".

So I feel very puzzled how to treat any of these scince I understand where both cultures are coming from.

Culturedpearls

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 1:18 am

When I was 5 I loved jumping on beds. My mother told me not to jump on the beds because if I do I'll get a fat stomach 😳.
A while later my parents had dinner guests & the wife was heavily pregnant. I took one look at her & said "I know what you've been doing!"
The silence was frightening Smile

amother

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 3:11 am

I have older kids with really difficult diagnosed behavioral issues that include screaming and heavy cursing. It is very hard for my 5 year old who hears it and knows when a word is a bad word because it is screamed. He repeats them sometimes and though he is ignored and I don't react to him when he does that, he still remembers the words a long time after. He learned putting up the middle finger from them too. I usually hear him say a bad word like "stupid" rather than what his siblings use but I fear there will be a day soon that the school calls and says my son is teaching everyone bad language. My dh and I are very careful with language and I especially detest cursing of any sort. "Darn it" is as bad as I will say so he hears it from the home but not from the parents. I am very embarassed because it is something I am very sensitive about. Oh, the irony of life.

I remember getting upset when my oldest learned about s-x too early because her best friend's older sister taught her. There's not much you can do when kids have older siblings. I only found it easier when my oldest was 5 and didn't have any outside older influence.

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 3:15 am

amother wrote:

The little kids who I was talking about in my original post have no older siblings. they are the older siblings.

DrMom

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 3:38 am

It might have been stated matter-of-factly and not with any ill intent.

Kids speak what's on their minds. They don't always understand that they should put filters on their speech; that knowledge comes later.

How many mommies have been embarassed when standing on line at the supermarket with their little boy or girl who suddenly yells out at the top of their lungs, "Hey, look at how FAT that man is!" or "Why does that man only have one leg?" or "Ew, Ima, look! That lady's tushy is coming out of her pants!"

amother

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 4:00 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

OK, I hear what everyone is saying. What about the cursing?

And what do you all think? Is this something to talk to the ganenet about or the parents? Or both?

You should talk to the parents, but try not to judge. You never know who taught it- could have been a sitter or another relative. I grew up in the West Village (lots of, um, interestering people there) and my mom's cool younger sister used to babysit. She taught me about transvestites when I was 3 because they were common in the neighborhood. My parents got called a number of times by teachers and other parents saying I'd used the word and that I clearly knew what it meant. They finally figured out where I'd picked it up. It was very embarrassing for them and they did get judged for it, quite unfairly. It was not the first time my mom clashed with her sister, saying I don't care if you think a child has a right to know everything, I'm the parent and I don't!!! My aunt only got it when she became a mother herself...

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 4:10 am

Just so this is clear to all, for those who are saying about "my" daughter, this was not said to my daughter and she did not hear the cursing. This is a friend and her child. So I am not talking to any parent, this is not for me to take part in.

marina

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 5:39 am

Kids notice differences. It's important to recast negative comments in a positive light.

"Mommy that person is so fat!"
"Hashem made everyone different- isn't that great?"

"That lady has weird brown skin!"
"I think her skin is beautiful and I love her hair!"

amother

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 6:27 am

My daughter is 4 and has a friend who is neighbor.

The girl agonizes that she is fat, doesn't look pretty, no one will want to be her friend. According to her mother these thoughts keep her up at night.

She is the youngest of 5 girls, so it could be she hears it from them. Her mother is also very careful with her weight and puts a lot of effort into her dieting and losing weight right after giving birth, etc. Because she is the youngest its hard to know if it is from her sisters or her mother. But I think it is so sad for such a young girl to have such insecurities. When she mentions it my daughter she just looks at her like huh?

amother

Sun, Jan 26 2014, 8:20 am

amother wrote:

Same here. I have an older child who curses (really its not my fault and there is nothing I can do about it due to the diagnosis) and my younger ones hear it. So far they have not picked it up, but I no longer judge parents of young children who curse. Chances are it causes them much pain.