How to get kids to listen

amother

Thu, Jan 30 2014, 9:28 pm

How do you do it? I feel like I am constantly yelling or manhandling in order to get the kids to do what I say. How do you get them through the daily routine, breakfast, clothes, school, homework, supper, bath, and bed? How do you handle it when they don't listen? Kids are young school and and preschoolers.

seeker

Thu, Jan 30 2014, 9:33 pm

Well, it doesn't always actually work, but I do a two-pronged approach:
About half the stuff I just choose not to care about.
The other half I come up with a threat as logical as I can think of and impose it until cooperation is achieved.
But all I have is one 3-year-old and one too young to really discipline, so I don't know if that's relevant to you.

the world's best mom

Thu, Jan 30 2014, 9:43 pm

Step one: Don't yell anymore. Say things in a calm voice. Say it once and only once. Your kids know they can ignore your commands because then you will start to yell and then they will listen. They have to know that there will be no yelling and calm commands must be listened to. If kids don't listen, they've lost their chance.

Step two: Think of a fitting consequence for not listening. For example, I tell the kids to get dressed. They don't. I take their clothes and put them away. They lost their chance.

Step 3: Tell the children- just once- what will happen if they don't listen. Then follow through with whatever you've said.

It helps to give them a time frame.

So instead of screaming that they should get dressed until you are so scary that they listen, say, "It's time to get dressed now. I'm setting the timer on the oven for 10 minutes. Any clothing that is not on by the time it beeps gets taken away."

Works like a charm. I set my oven timer whenever the kids are slow moving in the morning.

(When I have taken things away, I did give a second chance for the kid to listen right away a few minutes later. But many people will say that defeats the purpose. It works well for us.)

emunahmother

Thu, Jan 30 2014, 9:52 pm

So I agree with the poster above.
Yelling helps with nothing but scaring them into doing it ASAP but in the long run they have no reason to listen to you. By not screaming they are more prone to listen and take you seriously and in the future follow suit.

Yelling only accomplishes for the here and now.
Calm, cool, and collected enables a future of wanting to listen to you and knowing you are serious because they weren't even able to get you to yell.

Yelling shows you lost control. If you lost control how can they trust you to guide them and support them?

I am not saying I'm perfect. Far from it. But this theory helps me and has actually helped me with lessening the yelling. Once my kids started seeing how in control I was of the situations they began listening because they had no choice - they saw I wasn't budging.

The key is calm and consistent.

amother

Thu, Jan 30 2014, 9:53 pm

the world's best mom wrote:

OP here.

So you would send your kids to school in their underwear, or only half-dressed?

seeker

Thu, Jan 30 2014, 9:57 pm

Yeah, I don't understand about putting the clothes away... where does that get you? You still have kids not dressed in time for school or whatever, and don't you have to give them back anyway?

I could understand if it's an extra, like if my DD doesn't sit still for me to do her hair I might use a consequence of not doing the hairstyle she likes and doing something easier. But clothes?!

the world's best mom

Thu, Jan 30 2014, 9:58 pm

amother wrote:

OP here.

So you would send your kids to school in their underwear, or only half-dressed?

As I said, I do give a second chance after a few minutes. I give back the clothing on the condition that I will tell them one more time and they will listen immediately. They always do.

I have sent kids to bed in their underwear, and they cry and cry. (Anything can be a punishment if you say it is.) I give a second chance to put on pajamas after a few minutes.

I haven't taken away clothing in a couple of years, because there hasn't been a need. This method works. I set the timer once in a while, and clothing flies on.

seeker

Thu, Jan 30 2014, 10:00 pm

I've done it for pajamas, too. The kid who fools around and doesn't want to get into PJ's suddenly falls to pieces begging for them when you tell her she can't have them! Amazing.

But I don't know if I'd be willing to take the risk for clothes! What would happen, they would just stay home?

amother

Thu, Jan 30 2014, 10:10 pm

seeker wrote:

OP here.

I can see it working for PJs. I have one kid (6) who just wants to play all morning and doesn't want to get dressed. We have a sticker/prize chart. I've done the timer thing - "You must be dressed when the timer rings (10 minutes) or else I will have to dress you." She locked me out of her room when the timer rang so I could not dress her. I had to drag her out to the car wearing underwear, a skirt, and one sock... She finished getting dressed in the car, but I feel like our whole relationship is all about me trying to get her to do things. I have to get everbody fed and dressed in the mornings, then get everybody out to school and myself to work. I'm on a tight schedule and she just throws me off every. single. day. I feel like I try and I try and I try to be calm and impose consequences but it's just been going on too long and I have no patience left for her, in any area, because of this. I feel like it's ruining my whole relationship with her.

the world's best mom

Thu, Jan 30 2014, 10:29 pm

amother wrote:

So your consequence is that you will do the job for her since she didn't do it? Interesting. Maybe it could work if it would work. But it's too hard to do the consequence if she's locking you out of her room. The consequence should not involve giving the kid attention. She gets plenty of attention when you try to dress her and she refuses. I would try a non-attention involving consequence. You don't have to do losing her clothes, if it makes no sense to you. You can do losing her favorite seat in the car ride to school, or any little thing. Little things can bother kids tremendously.

amother

Fri, Jan 31 2014, 12:01 am

Be extremely nice to your kids and avoid fighting them for like a week . After that, they will naturally want to please you. In the beginning it is hard, but then they want to please mommy , who is so nice to them!
Play with them, be very fun! Then, when they don't want to do something, all you have to do is say: you wouldn't want ima to be sad , right?

amother

Fri, Jan 31 2014, 12:12 am

amother wrote:

OP here.

I can't imagine this will work! Where's the discipline? I come from the school of thought that the parents are parents, not friends. Does this really work for you? I also don't have a week to avoid fighting with them. We have to get dressed and go to school so that Mommy can go to work. We don't have time to wait around for you to decide to get dressed on your own, otherwise we would never get anywhere.

TWBM, the consequence is not that I do the job for them, though in essence that's what happens. I phrased it in a way that if they don't do the job themselves, they lose the chance to do it. Either way it doesn't seem to be working all that well, so any other ideas would be welcome.

Petra

Fri, Jan 31 2014, 12:26 am

different approaches work for different personalities. We have 3 to get off to school and I too have a schedule to adhere to.

However it happens, a predictable routine really helps with expectations. a routine doesn't happen overnight. all my kids are up by 7 am, they all get to drink their protein shake while watching PBS for 15 minutes (if they are up on time). then they have to get their clothes on, teeth brushed, hair brushed and in the car by 750. I usually will have to tell them when it is time to get their clothes on. and then that gets the ball rolling for the rest.

When first starting out the school year and I was trying to establish the routine, I would lavish the praise at every successful step they did on their own. They really responded. Oldest is 8 and youngest is 4.

It also helps to set the stage the night before. Each kid to pick out the clothes they will wear. Having the back packs cleaned out, homework in and lined up at the door for example. Helps the kids feel ready in the morning too including mentally.

It doesn't go perfect everyday but most days it is good enough. sometimes a kid gets out the door and their hair is a mess. and their is an occasional morning spat between siblings or someone just is not in the mood to go to school. That tends to make the morning hectic...but those are unavoidable bumps in the road.

nechamad

Fri, Jan 31 2014, 2:09 am

The first thing my daughter says when she wakes up is "can I stay in my pajamas for a little bit?" So our morning is better if she wakes up earlier and I'm not rushing her and getting stressed out about the time. My older kids also do better with time to have a warm drink, eat breakfast and talk to each other, etc. The winter mornings are especially hard-I don't want to get up and get dressed either!! But extra time seems to help.

acccdac

Fri, Jan 31 2014, 2:25 am

About a month ago I started a new policy in my house. I do this with my 10 and 7 year old although I'm sure I could do some form of it with my 3 year old as well. Because the older ones are taken care of it's like I have one child

My children have a chart. They know what is expected of them for the day (getting dressed on time, making the bed, brushing their teeth, etc). They get a weekly allowance, this is important for the consequence part. At the end of each day they go through their chart marking what they did or didn't accomplish. At the end of the week they pay me for the things they didn't do. I get paid because it means I had to do it. If there is something that I asked and it was not done in a timely fashion they pay me. We call that "energy drain" (the concept is from Jim Fay). That means I almost never repeat myself or yell because at the end of the week a natural consequence will be enforced.

After the first week we went through the 7 year old's chart. He had to "pay" me more than half his allowance. He started to cry. I asked him why, and in his own words he basically said he felt bad because he wasted his own time and lost out because of it, and if he would have only been more on top of himself/responsible he wouldn't have lost so much money

FranticFrummie

Fri, Jan 31 2014, 3:36 am

The more you yell, the more your kids tune you out. You are just background noise at this point.

Try lowering your voice a little more than your usual speaking tone. Lean in, speak softly, and don't repeat yourself. If they have to strain a tiny bit to hear what you're saying, then they HAVE to listen to you! Have them repeat back to you what you just said. Correct any part they got wrong, and then leave the room.

This is very important. You need to save your screaming voice for when one tries to cross the street without waiting for the light, and a car is coming. If your child is used to you yelling all the time, your child will not respond. If they never hear you yell, then they'll figure something must be horribly wrong, and they'll react. If it helps you, try to think of it from a safety point of view.

I also agree with all the above posters about natural consequences. The consequence should be directly related to, and in direct proportion to the offense committed. Nothing more, nothing less.

saw50st8

Fri, Jan 31 2014, 5:36 am

We had problems in the morning so we started a two prong approach:

1) No breakfast until you are fully dressed

2) A rewards chart - every 20 pluses they get some sort of prize (they get to pick it from Amazing savings or wherever they want - something small).

We have brought one of the kids into the car in his underwear with a bag of clothing. That worked to get him moving fast.

5*Mom

Fri, Jan 31 2014, 6:50 am

amother wrote:

You have identified the root of the problem yourself.

Parenting will only be successful if it exists within the right context. This isn't a quick fix. I would highly recommend the book Hold On To Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and any of his videos that you can find on YouTube.