Over Emotional 11 yo boy - advice please!

amother

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 1:55 am

My 11yo son (my oldest) is a real sensitive and emotional child. He cries really easily and although improved a bit he still cries for things he should not be at this age (say eg his brother breaking something he built out of lego or us saying he can't play wii that day)

I want to acknowledge he is upset but don't want him to think in any way I am ok with the crying all the time. I have tried to explain that he can cry if he is emotionally hurt or physically hurt badly but not for everything and for sure not every time he gets upset or frustrated (I don't really want to portray the message of real men don't cry)

He also seems to have this pent up anger and fly's off the handle at his brothers and even shouts at me sometimes - I spoke to his Dr and he says the anger is normal in boys this age with all the hormonal changes.

eg: Yesterday he couldn't find his homework diary so he went storming around the house looking for it (not really looking in that mode as it was under his washing on the table) shouting at everyone and then started crying cos he was going to get punished at school !

I am getting soooo frustrated and landing up shouting at him to stop acting like a 2 year old (which is horrible I know) and I did follow it up with saying that a 2 year old cries cos they can't communicate in another way but he can talk it through and ask us nicely for help so he has no need to cry and shout for everything.

I must say before u all think he is a total brat - he is the sweetest kid, has a heart of gold and is so caring towards others (hence the sensitivity) and at school he is a model student , respectful, helpful a good friend.

PAMOM

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 3:56 am

Try what you use for toddlers -- if he cries/storms around, tell him firmly but quietly to go to his room until he can control himself. Tell him that if he needs help or wants to talk, you are glad to do either as soon as he can use words calmly. Then go on about your business. This worked well with my pre- teen and teen dc.

amother

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 4:49 am

PAMOM wrote:

That's fine. I have a son like this who is twelve. What happens when you send him to his room and he won't go. And he is a huge boy. Can't carry him there? Should I beat him senseless when he can't handle any frustration and is crying and yelling and stomping because his little brother touched his stuff? Unfortunately what works for a toddler doesn't help with these big boys.:0(

amother

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 4:52 am

amother wrote:

I am this amother. It has escalated recently to throwing things. It is scary. And he can be such a sweet sensitive caring boy when not upset. Not aggressive at all. A shy sweet bookworm.
Hugs to the op. It's not easy.

PAMOM

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 5:27 am

Ok, I'm out of my league. Do the ones who won't go to their room listen if you tell them they can't go out after shul or can't use electronics? I think if I had a 12-yr-old who was throwing things, I'd try to feel bad for his frustration level and get him
Into counseling for anger management. He can't be happy and you can't be either.

5*Mom

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 5:41 am

It's not about telling him what not to do or sending him to his room; it's about giving him actual, practical skills to handle these situations more adaptively. Many children (most, if you ask me) need to be consciously taught these skills.

Have you tried doing a post-mortem on these situations together with your son at a calm time? Ask him to identify how he was feeling at that moment (either when he flew off the handle or when he dissolved into tears, both of which probably have their roots in the same thing) and then have him generate a plan--script and all--for more adaptive, effective responses next time. Give him suggestions if he needs them. This is a process so remember that it will take time. Give him positive feedback for every effort.

amother

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 5:57 am

5*Mom wrote:

Not op. Another with the boy who throws things here.
This advice is more helpful and we also are taking him to a psychiatrist to make sure it isn't something more serious.

To answer the other question, when he is in his frustrated state if mind it is almost impossible to reason with him. So if its shul or no electronic toys etc in that moment he doesn't care.

To the op, we have found that often these episodes are triggered by certain foods. He is aware of the sensitivity but isn't mature enough to keep away from these foods. No matter how much we explain it to him. Maybe it might be something you may want to look into.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 7:13 am

Well yeah, you would cry if someone broke something you built. I don't go near Wii, but if you let a kid get into that, it isn't odd he would cry if it were taken away. It's addicting or something. I don't know anything about it.

I am not sure this is excessive emoting.

Crying isn't so good on males over time, maybe he should wrassle his brother physically instead, and glare at you and stomp off.

Shouldn't his brother respect his stuff?

Shouldn't he be outdoors instead of playing Wii whatever that is?

Out of my depth, here.

amother

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 8:21 am

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Dolly, playing outside isn't practical when they get home after dark and it is twelve degrees outside.
And of course his brother should respect his things. The point is for these boys that reacting by weeping and stomping and screaming the house down when you are twelve and not four is not age appropriate.

bubbebia

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 8:25 am

My oldest DGS was a lot like this as was DD#2. He was always a more sensitive child and as he progressed into adolescence (yes, OP, your DS is an adolescent) things sometimes escalated. But he still has to know that certain behaviors are not acceptable and you will not engage with him when he's out of control. In some respects they are very much the 2 year old. They have very limited control over their behavior at times, but they have reasoning skills and understand cause and effect. Sometimes you just have to say, "If you cannot talk to me in a quiet, calm, adult manner, I cannot help you until you do so." Then you turn around and walk away-into your room and close the door if necessary.

The whole thing on your end is to remain as calm as can be, which can be difficult at times, because if you are nuts about things, he will become even nuttier. Get him to stop and stand still, take some good deep breaths to help him stop crying and once he is calmer, you will be able to help him focus on doing what needs to be done, whether it's directing him where to look for something he's lost or whether it's to move to a different place to work on what he needs to work on without interruption from his sibs or whatever. And if he won't go into his room to calm down, let him sit on a chair in the living room or in the kitchen with you. This time of life is very difficult for all involved, parents and kids included. Your job is to help him navigate the chaos that is his life right now. And yes, sometimes you will lose it. You are human after all.

The best part of it is that they do grow out of it. DGS is 15 now and doing great!

5*Mom

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 9:19 am

bubbebia wrote:

Sometimes you just have to say, "If you cannot talk to me in a quiet, calm, adult manner, I cannot help you until you do so." Then you turn around and walk away-into your room and close the door if necessary.

Yes, but first you need to make sure that he actually can "talk to you in a quiet, calm manner" and practice the actual words with him until you are both confident that he can do so.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 9:30 am

You're right, it is not age appropriate.

Perhaps an eval might be useful?

Certainly, it shouldn't be currency. Meaning, it should not get him attention or redress, because what works, you will see more of.

Maybe, sit with him on the steps outside, for three minutes, in the dark, in twelve degrees. It won't kill him, and maybe he needs that, to get a change of scene and to chill, literally. I might help him become calm. OK, two minutes.

The father will model what men do, when they are annoyed. These techniques differ from men to women. Involve the father. He needs to feel safe and also governed, so he can learn to govern himself.

I see your point.

Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Thu, Feb 06 2014, 9:33 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 9:30 am

My ds, oldest child and 8 years old is exactly like that. Sensitive, mature, responsible. But will melt into tears at the slightest trigger. I spoke to a guidance counselor about a different dc and mentioned my 8yr old's crying fits. He suggested reading "the explosive child" book, saying that even if he doesn't sound like an explosive child I may find the techniques helpful. I just started reading it so I can't offer any concrete advice but it seems like you may benefit from this book as well.
I'm not a fan of just saying he'll grow out of it.
Good luck!

amother

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 9:55 am

There are a lot of really good suggestions here like waiting until a "no problem" time to talk about it and modeling calm behavior. Some more things that might be helpful:

When he's calm, ask him for suggestions on what he himself can choose to do when he's really angry. You can guide him if he needs it, like maybe going to his room alone, or exercising to get it out... somewhere where he can wait until the bad feelings subside. Put the power in his hands and help him believe that he can change himself and his circumstances.

also, give him the language to be able to express himself. When "X" happens, I feel "X" because whatever whatever. For example: When Avi breaks my lego I feel really really angry because I worked so hard on it and I had wanted to save it to show Abba when he comes home from work.

Then, you can offer empathy like saying wow I can see how that would make you feel so angry. And then you can give him the labels to further break down his feelings. Like you must be so upset because you worked so hard on that lego thing and it must be so disappointing to want to share it with Abba and now you can't.

Give him the tools to work it through. Takes a looong time!

Blue jay

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 10:21 am

Your son is emotional. He falls apart when someone takes over his legos. He cries when he feels that he is being slighted, cheated or things are not going to plan. Though your son is 11, he is not 13. He still likes playing with legos so the hormones cant be kicking in all that furiously yet. He still needs advocacy during playtime and interaction with his peers and sibliings at home. As a mom, you need to be the great mediator when it comes to turns at play and sensitivity to his siblings. If he is having emotional issues at school on a social level (although you said he gets along fine at school ) then the teacher will be the great mediator. Sometimes he will be in tears when your "solution" isn't up to his ideal but thats how he will learn how to take turns and how to be vocal when things are not fair. The biggest thing for you as a parent, is to not feel threatened or intimidated by his behavior, address the problem on hand and stay level headed. If he is berating you and such then that is a discilpline issue. but from what you describe it sounds like your son needs your reassurance and persistance. in keeping things calm. If he dislikes your instruction then he will cry, let him cry. "Im your mother and Im making sure that everything is fair. If you are going to cry and carry on. then go ahead. "Then you go about doing something else . and everyone just ignores him until he calms himself down.

Blue jay

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 10:25 am

This reminds me of the time, I let my son have his big tantrum in barnes and nobles. I said it was time to leave and he said no . and I said lets go took his hand and walk straight out the store. He wailed and wailed and kicked and stamped. but I told him " you can do that all you want, but I said we are leaving and we are leaving"

oP, I know you cant physically move your son along, but you can ignore the tantrum and tears and keep things clear and calm. Stick to your resolve, and have trust in your instinct.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 10:31 am

A friend of mine would mumble in a child's ear, quite audibly, "we will leave here in fifteen minutes". The child was impassive and made no response.

Fifteen minutes later, they left. There was a little grumbling, but nothing serious.

Everybody thought she was a Svengali who had a horrible mind-control over her poor child.

That wasn't true.

She said, people just don't like sudden interruptions when they are doing stuff they like. But, she said, if you give them a courteous way to get used to it, and mentally prepare, they get the point, and will go along. With a little grumbling.