8yo doesn't care what mark she gets

bigbird

Wed, May 07 2014, 2:44 am

DD is having her first proper Chumash test tomorrow and is telling me she doesn't care about her mark either because she really doesn't or because she wants to get out of studying.

In general she gives up very easily and doesn't like working hard and I have tried to help her study for this test. When she's in the mood she can give it a good amount of time but when she doesn't have patience, like tonight, this whole bad attitude comes out and I've hit a brick wall. She's telling me I'm getting involved when I shouldn't be and she doesn't care if she gets a bad mark. In fact, the mark doesn't matter to me either, it's whether she's doing her best or not...and she's not.

At this stage I'm thinking of letting her get that bad mark and then taking it from there, either through the teacher or at home. Would that work? I don't know where this attitude is coming from (maybe other girls in the class) but how do I get the message across that you need to work hard but without the pressure of needing to ace everything?

momX4

Wed, May 07 2014, 5:15 am

I tell my kids that I dont care about their mark. If they do homework and spend some time studying for the test, then their mark doesnt matter, they did what they could. I do make a big deal when they bring home their test, no matter what the mark is I tell them how great they did.

bigbird

Wed, May 07 2014, 5:34 am

saw50st8 wrote:

Maybe she is worried about not doing well and masking it with that comment?

How do I confirm that though? It's so logical to me - worried about it? Then study more. Not happening here.

And would I be doing any damage by just letting it go and have her see the consequences?

imasinger

Wed, May 07 2014, 6:13 am

I doubt she will be terribly upset if she doesn't do well. Nor should she be, IMO.

At her age, tests are (or should be, again, IMO), more about getting used to reviewing a chunk of material and writing about it than about how well one does these things.

Maybe tell her that you don't care about her grade either, but there is a way to study for a test. She is required to sit and review her material, either with you or with someone else older than her (because she is young enough to need the guidance) for 15 minutes one or two days prior.

If you get that much done, you will have taught her the most important thing.

rosenbal

Wed, May 07 2014, 7:32 am

imasinger wrote:

Great advice!

A little different but my DD is always stressed at the beginning of the year with new teachers giving different type of hw and tests than she's used to. As she gets used to it, she relaxes a bit.

Op, please remember that no test or assignment is worth a strain on your relationship with your kids! If this becomes a longer term pattern, look into hiring a high school kid to help her study. Someone who's not emotionally involved.

MaBelleVie

Wed, May 07 2014, 8:59 am

I have a friend who was like that. Everyone used to tear their hair out because she was obviously extremely bright, but totally not motivated when it came to school work. Today she is in a highly ranked PhD program, at the top of her class, on a full scholarship as well as a fellowship. She is involved in research projects globally and presents at professional conferences (she's in her mod 20s btw). I think her parents relaxed Smile

As long as your dd shows interest in other areas, I wouldn't stress. Let her find what excites her, and she'll succeed in those areas.

amother

Wed, May 07 2014, 11:51 am

In first grade, for my first spelling test, I told my parents I didn't need to study. No amount of pushing me helped. I refused to study. Then, of course, I failed the spelling test. I was apparently really upset. I then studied hard for every test and got straight As for the rest of elementary school. There were maybe 3 tests over the next several years that I got below a 90 on, everything else was 90 or above through the end of elementary school.

(I actually don't remember the spelling test at all - because being a good student became so important to me that I 'blocked out' this memory because it didn't fit with my self-image of being a hard-working straight-A student!).

So I don't think it's so bad to let her fail once. If she doesn't seem to care, then I agree with some of the other posters who stressed that it is much more important to teach her the value of working hard and studying, because working hard is a life skill she will need for the rest of her life and good grades are not.

5*Mom

Wed, May 07 2014, 12:08 pm

bigbird wrote:

You seem a bit over-invested in your dd's chumash test/8-yr-old work ethic.

At 8 years old, learning shouldn't be about hard work. Learning should be relevant, meaningful, enjoyable for its own sake. Is she engaged in class? Is she connecting to what she is learning? If yes, great! If not, why not? This is what you need to be looking at at 8. Work ethic comes later. Much later.

mummiedearest

Wed, May 07 2014, 12:41 pm

yeah, I didn't care about grades. I cared more about hiding the bad ones from my parents than preventing the grades from being bad. I learned to forge my mom's signature pretty early. I was probably eight or nine at the time. in fact, I signed a report card or two of mine without showing them to my parents. (ma, if you're reading this, I hope you laugh.)

anyway, pressuring a child to do well at this age can and will backfire. don't tell her she needs a good grade. tell her that when she has a test, she has to study for x number of minutes two nights prior to the test. this is a rule. you will be available to help her if she wants you to, but you will not insist on involvement unless you see she is not following the rules. explain that you don't care about the grade, but you do care that she learn how to study effectively. for the first couple of tests, let her show you what the test is on. have her tell you what information she feels she needs to review. she may know 75% of it inside out without studying. teach her to study what she doesn't already know well. then let her be independent. if her grades are not appropriate for her performance in class, speak to the teacher. don't blame your daughter. some kids (like me) don't test well in certain formats.

bigbird

Wed, May 07 2014, 12:48 pm

But what if learning isn't enjoyable for her? She's not an overly smart kid that things come to her so easily and she's told me in the past she doesn't like Chumash because the "smart" girls call out the answers and she's still catching on. How do I help her without pressuring her?

I admit I probably am a bit over invested in this. For various reasons I won't go into here, her school is not known for teaching the greatest attitude to hard work and education in general (admittedly the attitude is probably more the fault of the student/parent body than the school) and I don't want her growing up like this. But obviously I'm going about it the wrong way. (Oh and changing schools isn't an option)