How to teach children to deal with disappointment

amother

Sun, May 25 2014, 9:54 pm

Ds is in fifth grade. He has always had a hard time letting go of an issue that he sees as being unfair. If I bought something at the grocery store and it was spoiled he would say "you should sue them!" Once, the principal reprimanded the whole class for something a few boys did. Ds was not part of that group and he was devastated that he got yelled at (as part of the class). It took him a really long time to get over it.
He plays baseball with the little leagues. He loves it and looks forward to it all year. But what happens is that whenever his team loses a game, he comes home devastated and claiming that the other team cheated. The other team's coach cheated and the umpire only went for that team. And on and on.
How do I give him the empathy he needs while teaching him to not be so stuck in his view that everything and everybody is always unfair?

seeker

Mon, May 26 2014, 12:57 am

By fifth grade I think he needs more than listening and hoping.

Lots and lots of modeling your own positive reactions to disappointment - acknowledging your disappointment and then reframing and moving on.

After he's had enough sympathy and time to calm down, try to help him reframe his own disappointments too.

Ponder whether and why he might be having self-esteem issues causing him to need to blame others (e.g. the other team cheating - does he feel like it isn't emotionally safe to lose?)

Look for teachable moments when it isn't him - maybe it will be easier for him to absorb these lessons when it's someone else taking the disappointment, and then you can gradually help him adopt the same perspectives in his own life. Maybe you can enlist his participation/help in comforting a sibling who has experienced a disappointment.

Find and read some stories about great people who were strong and accepting in the face of criticism or accusation. Play up that message that even though the other person was wrong to insult them, the protagonist is the hero[ine] of the story because they were quiet/accepting/took the blame/whatever. There are numerous tzaddik stories like this as well as more regular-people type stories. Hunt around a bit.

Good luck, and good for you for working on this problem now. Your support in overcoming this will be of great benefit to your child.

5*Mom

Mon, May 26 2014, 6:14 am

Google *Thinking Errors* or *Cognitive Distortions* for an understanding of these erroneous thought processes and tips for addressing them. Based on your knowledge of your son, you can decide if you can learn enough to help him yourself or if they are pervasive enough that he needs a professional.

amother

Mon, May 26 2014, 7:13 am

Op here.
Thank you for your good advice. I did take him to therapy a few years ago. I'm not sure how much it helped and we needed to stop in middle because the therapist wasn't available anymore.
Amother with the son on the spectrum , it's interesting to me that you said that, because when this child was a baby, he displayed some signs similar to autism. We would subscribe him as being in his own world. He always played by himself and rarely made eye contact. Then he grew out of that. It's obvious that he's not, but I still always think about it...
Seeker, your advice about stories of tzaddikim is interesting. My son is obsessed with tzaddikim, collecting cards and reading gedolim biographies. He memorizes when they were born, died etc. I don't think he necessary makes connections though, to his own behavior. I will try to see of I can use his love of gedolim to teach him to model their behavior.
His teachers find him very difficult and though he's a good natured kid, he tends to get into trouble a lot. But when I try to talk to him about what happened, he could never understand what he did wrong. He also gets bothered by minor things that others would not get bothered by. Truth is, Dh is a lot like that too.
I will look up cognitive distortions and see if I can apply the tips-thanks.

5*Mom

Mon, May 26 2014, 11:18 am

amother wrote:

I did take him to therapy a few years ago. I'm not sure how much it helped

Your garden variety talk therapy or play therapy won't help for this. He would need targeted CBT or, better still, Dialectical Behavior Therapy. But depending on the severity and pervasiveness, you may be able to learn and teach him better thinking and coping patterns.