I want feedback on my writing.

mummiedearest

Mon, Sep 08 2014, 10:22 pm

sunlight wrote:

Writing is about engaging the reader in all five senses.

Set up a scene and the characters.

Write about five examples for each sense.

Then mix and match.

Baruch smelled the dirty clothes laying in the washing machine. The washing machine had stopped its vigorous pumping noise. (hearing) He opened the lid and saw the wet laundry laying in a small pool of water.

You can add in the beginning how when he walked into the laundry room, the powdery detergent left such a strong whiff in the air, he could taste it.

I assume you get the drift by now. When you set up the scene, match it the kind of scene readers in that particular magazine would enjoy. For children, you need more simple. Adults can get more description and humor.

I hope I'm making sense. I haven't written much in a while.

G'luck!

sounds interesting, but a word of caution: it's easy to overload the senses.

amother

Mon, Sep 08 2014, 10:42 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

4)flashbacks don't really work in this story. sometimes it's better to start a story from the beginning. "rifky called chaim in a panic. the washing machine wouldn't drain, she had five loads of laundry to do by tomorrow, and her best skirt (needed for a wedding that night) was stuck inside." beginning a story in middle and then having a flashback/backstory can be done well, but that takes a lot of practice.

5) I think the story can be written as a successful short story, but it would require a good flow. and I think the narration has to give a little more of its own feeling. don't focus on boruch's feelings so much. you've given him lots of feelings (upset, self-conscious, tired), but not much of a character. he actually seems kinda feminine to me. a lot of female writers give their main male characters female personalities.

OP here. I read this, and then I started reading another story I wrote and I realized how right you are. I started near the end of the story and put the whole beginning in as a flashback. It was terrible.

I'm not sure why Boruch sounded feminine. I was writing about a guy I know.

And now for the question- How can I tell if a story is interesting to the general public or not? I mean, this story didn't happen to me, but I thought it was great. I understand now that the details were too tedious, and in a way I would like to rewrite it from his wife's pov instead, without all the tedious details. It would start with when her first machine broke. But I think then it still wouldn't be a great story. Although I could do a lot more with it then, since I could add in her opinions of her husband, who tends to mess everything up.

I read today that the protagonist needs to have a really strong desire for something. But I think Boruch had a pretty strong desire to get the machine home already, so that shouldn't be a problem. What else makes a story have potential to become interesting reading?

amother

Tue, Sep 09 2014, 12:11 am

OP again. I found some writing exercises online. I tried this one:

Recall the worst person you’ve ever met. A psychotic boss, a back-stabbing friend, a playground bully. Or make someone up. Next, assign one redeeming quality to this character––kindness, courtesy, sympathy, a fondness for animals. Then write a passage with this person in action. Perhaps you show a sadistic ex-spouse helping a homeless person find shelter, or a bank robber arranging a baby-sitter on behalf of a woman he’s just tied up. The result? A fully dimensional villain.

And this was the result:

Heshy scowled at his plate. With his fork, he mashed his string beans into a pureed mess. “The steak is too well done,” he was grumbling to his wife. “Why can’t you ever remember to take it out on time? You have a good head on your shoulders, but you never use it. Why can’t you ever think? Do you think it would hurt if you use your brain for once?” Standing up, he shoved his chair back, causing it to scrape on the floor. He strode quickly to the porch and lit a cigarette. As he smoked, he stared into space. The air was cold, but refreshing. The sky was dark. There was a little sliver of a moon, and a lot of stars. So many stars.

Heshy threw his cigarette on the ground and stamped on it to make sure it wasn’t lit anymore. Then he lit another one. He blew the smoke into the air, watching as it swooshed out of his mouth and went out in the night and disappeared into thin air. He stomped out that cigarette also, and came back into the house, bringing the strong smell of cigarette smoke with him. He found his wife cleaning up the kitchen. He watched her silently for a minute or two. Her back was held rigid, and he could see how tense she was, knowing that she was being watched. He said, “Why did you serve supper on plastic plates? It wastes money! We have nice dishes, and we may as well use them. I keep telling you and telling you, but you never listen! I talk and I talk, but I may as well be talking to the wall. I buy you nice things and-”

“Washing dishes also costs money,” his wife responded, without looking up from the counter she was scrubbing. “We need soap and steel wool and hot water every time we use dishes. The cost is about the same, and this is much easier.”

“Are you joking! The hot water? You think that costs as much as a stack of plastic plates and a box of forks? Do you have any clue what you’re talking about, ever? You make up stories every day! Why are you telling me lies?” His wife continued scrubbing the sparkling counter. She picked up a plate from the counter and reached up to put it in the cabinet. A big, heavy dish fell out and bounced off her head. It landed on the counter with a bang that was loud enough to shake the whole house. Heshy stared in disbelief. “Are you okay, Rivky? Let’s get ice. Here, hold it on. It’s starting to bruise already. Put the ice on quickly. Wow, that must have hurt a lot. How did that big thing come tumbling out of the cabinet like that? Are you okay now? It should start feeling better soon.”

“I’m fine,” Rivky said. “It will be okay. It happens.”

(I know it's not actually a story. It has no plot. But my purpose was to practice characterization and stuff.) Any opinions? How can I improve it? Anyone else want to try this exercise and share?

amother

Tue, Sep 09 2014, 9:47 am

amother wrote:

feedback:

I like heshy's tone when speaking. he sounds properly critical. I like the bolded part, but I'd consider removing the first sentence and changing the second one into a good starter sentence. "Heshy mashed his string beans to a pulp" or some such would do just as well. the reader can picture the scowl without being told about it. I would consider changing/removing the part in green. it's too serene after the scene heshy made, and doesn't fit with his throwing and stomping the cigarette.

Re: the red type: You may want to have Heshy act there, not just stare. the staring made me think he was going to criticize the way the plates were stacked in the cabinet. If you want to show he cares about her, maybe he should run over, get her some ice, give her a hug/kiss, act loving. the way you have him speak makes him sound like he's uncomfortable with her, not like he genuinely cares about her. he sounds a guy who is uncomfortable with women crying and will do ANYTHING to avoid having a woman cry in front of him.

I think this is a good first draft, plot or not. you've got a good idea in your head of what you want. try tweaking it a bit, see what you think.