Freaking out- my six year old's confession

debsey

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 8:12 pm

amother wrote:

So the pediatrician called me back. He is going to research an appropriate therapist for us to help my daughter. I am still so shaken up and intend to call the day care director tomorrow. The pediatrician warned me that no good therapist will accept my insurance. I will record my conversation with the director and hope she will pay for the therapy. I'm jumping the gun I know bit just want to help my little girl get better. This is crazy! A four year old girl molestor?!? I feel sooo bad...

The big experts will not take your insurance. However, there are some very competent sliding scale clinics with excellent supervision.
If you are in NY, one of the big experts on unwanted touch in the Orthodox community is Faye Wilbur, and she is a supervisor at the Jewish Board, which offers low cost therapy. So you might not get the expert herself, but you are likely to get someone supervised by an expert.

it's your call whether or not you think that's good enough for your daughter (I'd mortgage my house to pay for the expert, but that's me)

Keep in mind that whomever you consult WILL be a mandated reporter and MUST report the daycare for lack of supervision. Actually, your pediatrician, as the first person told, should have done this already. Which mean that investigators may talk to your daughter about what happened.

amother

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 8:16 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

My theoretical old lady isn't all that old, say fifty or so, isn't all that eccentric. She may, however, have the TV on to the Jewish channel, chirp brightly but without much education, and eat potato chips. Her vacuuming skills may be thin on the ground.

An environment like that, well child-proofed, no animals or older children, bars on windows, good supervision concerning bathroom and kitchen, with some toys and a play-pen, might not be so bad as a stop-gap or if one is having a bad time at a more professional daycare setting.

That's all I am saying, and we need some community help for women like OP. OP needed an alternative and one should have been available for her.

I am on OP's side. I know some women have to work to pay the bills. Older people should step up and help out.

Stop. Please just stop. I’m not OP but it hurts just reading this and imagining her reading this.

amother

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 11:42 pm

Quote:

(I'd mortgage my house to pay for the expert, but that's me)

This.

I don't mean to be unhelpful, especially as I have no idea of your financial situation and can only offer hugs in that regard, but... THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MONEY YOU WILL EVER, EVER, EVER!!!! SPEND IN YOUR LIFE.

She can get married in a shul with a minyan of men and pizza off paper plates, if need be, but without these crucial crucial sessions with the right therapist/psychologist she may not be able to get married/live a full married life. I'm not saying this to traumatize you further - you sound like a great, loving Mom who will take care of her and use this terrible experience as a springboard to learning and healing - I'm just reaffirming (begging you) to view the treatment as a necessity more important than anything short of bread and water, even though it's a bitter and perhaps seemingly financially impossible pill to choke down.

(I'm only so passionate because I'm in the throes of trying to support a shidduch-aged friend who played far too many years with a neighbor who play-acted scenes of abuse with her dolls in front of my friend, who is now paralyzed s*xually and mentally and is struggling to deal with the delayed trauma that her parents never wanted/cared/believed was important to address... Thank G-d this is not you!!!)

If this was hurtful please forgive me. HUGS. May this nisayon and horrible experience only open doors of healing and growth for you and your maidele, and may you continue to be a great Mom and protect your daughter with your determination to support her throughout the healing process!!!!

chani8

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 1:20 am

Finding out one's child was molested is one of the most devastating moments of a mothers life. A nightmare come true. I'm so sorry, OP.

You should report this to social services. Your child might receive free counseling, and the other child may be forced into counseling. Both are good things, right?

The best counseling would come from a trauma therapist (not a s-x abuse therapist) who does both play therapy and EMDR on children.

amother

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 5:34 am

Oh poor op and op's daughter! What a horrible thing to have happen and now more of the story is coming out that's even worse. A similar thing happened to my dd and I had the same reaction as you. I gave her advice on how to deal with the bully, I said just ignore bully, don't read the mean notes she gives you, she is getting satisfaction when you react, don't take anything to school for her to steal from you, ect. I told her teacher, dd reported bully to the teacher. Nothing changed. Then I found out that bully was staring at dd through the crack in the bathroom stall, staring as she tried to use the potty. Oh my poor dd! I was frantic, I called and called until someone did something, which was very shortly after that. I couldn't believe I was sending her into that environment every day. Councilling helps op...make it a priority please.

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 10:50 am

It is not easy to find work at fifty, if you lose the work you used to have.

These are hard times; there are plenty of older but still useful people around.

The years between Interesting and Social Security are deadly: no work any more, no pension yet. Widows, too. A woman in that position needs the money.

Not that it is easy to find proper candidates for child care. One would have to select them carefully.

A nice little business awaits a savvy younger woman with a tough mind, a very, very tough mind, perhaps a lawyer, who would coordinate the multi-city Savtina Service. And who would make surprise home inspections.

If mothers had an easy alternative to any daycare situations that did not please, that might improve the haste with which daycare centers fixed problems.

And even the violent child in this story might have done better in such a home, with the constant one-on-one attention and close supervision.

amother

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 11:19 am

sorry for of tangent
debsey-I am so happy your mentioning her name -fay wilbur- I also want to say that I have been to jbfcs in the last 2 yrs. I think they have nice therapists but---- years ago and I mean about 15 yrs ago the therapists were much much better. maybe I need to stick it out longer and see if I find someone better then the one I had. when I went back 2 yrs ago I was so confident I would have someone good but I am a little dissapointed. maybe I shouldnt give up. who do you know there thats good? someone thats good to help me with self esteem, communication in shalom bayis,? I guess more stuff. but thats for now. I would appreciate if you can give me some names or where I can ask over there. thanks so much. anonymous cause its personal.

Clarissa

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 11:26 am

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Dolly, can you please start your own thread with your idea for nice older lady businesses with crushed potato chips? I don’t feel this stuff belongs in a thread where OP is in real pain.

mandr

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 11:32 am

I can just imagine the Savtina lawsuits:

"A little bit dairy chocolate won't hurt you" (to a child with a milk allergy)
"Let the newborn sleep on his stomach"
"A little honey l'kavod rosh hashana is fine" (for a baby less than one)

etc. I mean, I hear what my grandmothers think and a lot of their parenting advice is obsolete. I don't even like leaving my baby in the care of my mil (and she's not that old) because she believes in practices that are really discouraged today.

Clarissa

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 11:35 am

mandr wrote:

This belongs on a different thread, as well.

debsey

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 12:20 pm

amother wrote:

I was just speaking generally. As someone in an allied field to mental health, who makes referrals sometimes, I know that in most low-cost clinics, you get interns. Some of them are better than others, but none have major experience. For major experience, you go to someone in private practice.
However, the SUPERVISORS in the low-cost clinics are often people with tons of experience - case in point, Faye Wilbur.
I don't know any particular Jewish Board therapists. My take -as I said before - I'd mortgage my house and go to an expert's private practice before going the low-cost route. However, if you DO go that route, you can have an expert supervise your case, which is better than having an intern with no training and no supervision.
Informational purposes only - I'm not making any recommendations in this case. Sorry if it seemed like I was.

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 1:55 pm

The only cause of this thread's entire problem is that OP had absolutely no other place to put her kid, while she worked.

A lot of people read this forum, and some of them might be living the beginning of OP's story, and appreciate a viewpoint about how to deal with it.

I threw in the potato chips, the TV, the dirty rug, and the sofa crumbs exactly to illustrate what is NOT as bad as what happened.

To that list, I add an allergic reaction to dairy (24 hours) and stomach sleeping (all the Millenials stomach-slept). But you have me at honey. No, no honey.

A paid in-home care-giver can be held to standards, because she is working. That's not like a relative.

mandr

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 1:58 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

The only cause of this thread's entire problem is that OP had absolutely no other place to put her kid, while she worked.

Huh? Everyone I know sends her kids to kindergarten. It doesn't matter if you're a working mother or SAHM. I would take a kindergarten over a Savtina (sorry, the name sounds like farina) anytime.

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 2:06 pm

I agree.

Any time, except in a highly unusual and unacceptable situation such as the one OP encountered.

The normal institutions just cannot have a hammerlock monopoly, or, there is less incentive to worry about what the customer thinks and what the kids get into, as long as nobody sues and the building doesn't burn down.

There have to be other things one can do. In a pinch.

That's all I am saying.

amother

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 3:50 pm

OP, your daughter's going to be okay. It was scary and terrifying and horrible and BH she told you about it because now you can deal with it. You're going to get her the therapy she needs and you're going to get it fast, and she's going to be okay. She trusted you and told you, and she's going to derive tremendous strength from how you handle this. She's learning that you will be a mama bear for her. The stronger you are, the safer she'll feel.

You must go and talk to the kindergarten teachers and find out how this terrible lack of supervision could have happened. You need to raise h*ll and guarantee that there's a plan in place to make sure that no child in that kindergarten ever again could have this type of thing happen. Scare them with a lawsuit if necessary. AND LET HER KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.