I'm selfish, but a people pleaser

amother

Wed, Nov 26 2014, 6:20 pm

I just did some deep thinking and realized that I'm a very selfish person. It's a kind of a hidden selfishness, and I cover it up by being a people pleaser.
I never (rarely) say no when asked a favor, am extremely kind to people, only for my selfish reasons- for them to think of me as a "nice" person- not exactly because I want to do them a favor.
Does this make any sense?

PinkFridge

Wed, Nov 26 2014, 6:23 pm

Is that selfish? Might it be insecure? Or any one of a number of other things? You're probably a pretty decent person and deserve to think of yourself as such.

groisamomma

Wed, Nov 26 2014, 6:56 pm

No, selfish is because you like yourself more than the other person. Selfish is saying No when people ask for favors and you say Yes. Who cares why? Fact is you did it. No one has to know what's in your heart.

Signed,
A Really Selfish Woman
(The kind that doesn't want more kids bec she likes herself too much apparently Wink

)

Emotional

Wed, Nov 26 2014, 7:04 pm

groisamomma wrote:

Selfish is saying No when people ask for favors and you say Yes.

Sometimes saying yes is more selfish than saying no. Taking on favors that will make you less available to the people in your life who should be a priority, because you want to impress someone or because you're a pushover - that's selfish.

amother

Wed, Nov 26 2014, 7:09 pm

Read the type two on the enneagram. Do you find yourself there?

chani8

Wed, Nov 26 2014, 10:50 pm

If you are selfish, then work on yourself. It's ok to not be perfect. Wink

IMO, being selfish is actually quite natural and normal. At least your selfishness makes you look good. Wink

You can change and grow. How would you like to be?

amother

Thu, Nov 27 2014, 6:27 am

Is it really considered bad to be selfish sometimes?
Does a person have to always put others' needs before their own?
Isn't that called being a doormat?

Hashem_Yaazor

Thu, Nov 27 2014, 6:35 am

Nowadays, most selfishness comes from an unhealthy LOW self-esteem, and because one doesn't think of herself as so valued, she has to compensate by paying a lot of attention to it (and doing things for others to try to validate her self-worth).

Work on your core realization of who you really are to appreciate you as the neshama Hashem has placed into this world and that is the only thing that can give you a healthy sense of self: the balance between being special and that nothing is from you, but from Hashem (there is no way to be gaivadik if this rings true to you!)

I would say continue doing chesed when it's the right time and place, no matter your motivations, because it's still a good thing. But don't say yes at the expense of something else you NEED to be doing (not want -- I.e., you wanted to curl up with a book because you heard that book is very good: want, you need to curl up with a book because you expended all your energy working hard today and need some downtime to re-energize and be able to give tomorrow: need (although this is a spectrum and we can sometimes stretch ourselves a bit, just not overextend ourselves).

ETA: sometimes it's not low self-esteem but rather because we have over-given of ourselves and that's what makes us 'selfish' because we haven't had the chance to give to ourselves properly and we just drag along day after day without being able to feel like we got the attention we need and we are so starved from giving to everyone else but ourselves

babysmum

Thu, Nov 27 2014, 6:43 am

You are so normal. The biggest sign that you are not selfish is that you think you are.
Check out the eeneagram #2 I think you;ll find yourself there.

youngishbear

Thu, Nov 27 2014, 7:15 am

"It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, or the baker that we expect our dinner, but from their regard to their own self-interest."
Adam Smith, The Wealth of Nations

It seems the economy would be at a standstill if not for some healthy self-interest/selfishness.

Stop beating yourself up, you're normal. Lishma is a goal, not a requirement.