abuse of Shabbos hospitality

Ima2NYM_LTR

Fri, Jun 08 2007, 1:18 pm

Ok, my question is due to an incident that happened today, and while this is just one example, it is not an uncommon occurance for similar situations to happen.

I got a call from a friend of mine, who is in charge of the local hospitality comitee this morning at 10 A.M. She recieved an email last night from a medical student who lives locally (but outside of the eruv) that he wanted to spend shabbos in the eruv, because his fiance would be in town (at a different house). She got the email LAST night. he expected her to find a place for each of them to stay, as well as accomodations for bothdinner and lunch.

this happens all the time where people will give one or 2 days notice. I understand if there is an emergancy...that cant be helped. What gets to me are the people who either change plans last minute or dont bother planning ahead.

I know opening your home to guests is a mitzvah, esp. on Shabbos, but this seems to me like an abuse of the system and of peoples open-heartedness.

So, would you feel obligated to offer hospitality last minute when the person could have planned ahead?

red sea

Fri, Jun 08 2007, 1:24 pm

I dont feel obligated. If I am in the mood or able to its fine no matter if they are plan in advance pple or last minute people, their style is not really a factor in my decision.

su7kids

Fri, Jun 08 2007, 1:28 pm

I don't think there is any obligation ever to have guests if you don't want to, but people's plans do change, if if you're up for it, accommodate them.

At least there is a hospitality committee and if you say no, there's probably someone else who will say yes.

What I don't understand is people who show up in a city without doing any research as to where they can go for Shabbos or where they can get kosher food and just expect the locals to host them.

shayna82

Fri, Jun 08 2007, 1:30 pm

yeah expecting people to set up stuff for them on short notice is not nice .however, Ive had people here who just for some reason couldnt find a meal, or a place to stay... and im more than happy to do a mitzva. having guests is a bigger mitzva than whats normally spoken about...

gryp

Fri, Jun 08 2007, 1:38 pm

If there is a valid reason why it is an emergency, I don't mind a bit, my house and food can stretch for miles if need be, in case of emergency.

Quote:

who lives locally (but outside of the eruv) that he wanted to spend shabbos in the eruv, because his fiance would be in town

I don't consider that an emergency.

Taking advantage of hospitality happens all the time Confused

, ask any Chabad Shliach.

chocolate moose

Fri, Jun 08 2007, 1:43 pm

Shluchim are not always set up for that, GR.

Anyway, I work full time. I sometimes do my shopping as early as Tuesday, and I make my menu and invite my guests somtimes a week or more ahead of time. It's a big chutzpah to mess up my plans like that! I mean, if I can I will, but it's not easy for me.......

I've had an Eretz Yisroel'dike family call me from the airport erev Sukkos with no plans. We hosted them, but I had to run out and buy pillows (and more milk) for them!

ceo

Fri, Jun 08 2007, 4:05 pm

This isn't a "real" emergency, although if you can host, it's definetly a chessed. Someimes, we have to put ourselves out for someone, and we hope that when we're in a bind, people will do the same 9although this really isn't a "bind",it's a convienence! )
Once, I invited someone on Tuesday evening. He didn't call me back until Friday morning, and asked if he could bring his brother and sister. I said, "sure." But from then on, I always tell people, "If I don't hear from you by x date, then I'll assume you're not coming."

I might suggest the hospitality coordinator in the shul to gently tell this guy that in the future, she'd appreciate more advance notice.

Also, I started a thread a while back about a guests who cancelled on my an hour before shabbos. It wasn't an emergency, she just would have felt more comfortable going somewhere else. Confused

Marion

Sat, Jun 09 2007, 1:59 pm

On the other side of the coin, I've been that hospitality co-ordinator. As uncomfortable as it is to start calling people Friday morning (I HATED that part of it), it's also very hard to tell someone that no one is willing. The exception, of course, is someone who NEVER calls before Thursday, and then I've been known to use a line like "geez, it's a really big Shabbat; all our families have been booked for weeks".

Helani

Sat, Jun 09 2007, 9:32 pm

I just had somebody call me two hours before Shabbos asking if he could come for Friday night. Then, he ended up coming for lunch as well. B"H I made extra food, and just threw together another salad.

Seraph

Sun, Jun 10 2007, 12:51 am

Though I don't often have guests, if I was asked to host someone for shabbos, I would, so long as I had more than 4 hours to prepare... And so long as they don't expect a lavish 4 course meal.

I would accept people even close to shabbos because many times last year I was in a bind, because I couldn't find shabbos plans even by friday (I started working on them tuesday) and some people really helped me out. So as hakaras hatov, I'm more than willing to pass on the favor.
Then again, I appreciate a little more advanced notice- at least by thursday night. But some people are just sooo last minute. (Like my father in law- invites us friday morning and then gets a little suprised when we say we can't come as we already have plans...) Wink

gryp

Sun, Jun 10 2007, 10:08 am

This past Thursday night a group of Yeshiva students on vacation (Bein HaZmanim) called a Shlucha late at night to come for Shabbos meals. She answered the phone and their first words were: "Oh, you're still up?" Rolling Eyes

Why are they calling late at night if they think she's probably sleeping?
And why are Yeshiva boys going to no-mans land where there's no daily minyan, kosher food, etc?

Good fo you, Helani!

amother

Sun, Jun 10 2007, 11:27 am

as a shlucha I get this all the time.
since I usually do need to accomodate people, ive discovered ways of stretching meals and always having certain foods on hand, like plain cooked pasta that can be made into a big dish if need be, and other such things. It can be very unpleasant but if I can say yes- even if it mean serving a meal that is not up to my usual standard- I'll do it.
This is what I cant handle: We live in a very big, very expensive city, where real estate is thru the roof. so we have a tiny apt for our family nd work with what we have. when people call asking if they can sleep over- I really dont get it. I'll explain to them that we dont have room and they'll ask: what, chabad doesnt have any sleeping accomodations for guests?!
at $100 a sq. foot, I think not!! and people really do expect this kind of hospitality when they are traveling for their own pleasure (there are endless amounts of hotels, but they just cant believe chabad wont put them up for free)
well, just had to get that off my chest.
thanks for lIstening!

gryp

Sun, Jun 10 2007, 11:46 am

I know what you mean! Especially when there's a cheap hotel right down the block. If it's not an emergency, I just don't see how people can impose.
And then as they sit at your table eating your food, they start telling you that your way of life is all wrong. Rolling Eyes

MommyLuv

Sun, Jun 10 2007, 1:27 pm

chocolate moose wrote:

Some look at the shlichus as their job. And not e/o is particularly dedicated at their job.

I dont think any shliach would appreciate your comment. shock

Most shluchim go above and beyond the call of duty to help another Jew...including inconveniencing their own families to have guests sleep over in their own homes, eat their kosher food-which may have been a fortune to import to their cities- and enjoy.

It's a chutzpah when someone who can spend lots of $$$$ to go backpacking in, say, Europe expects a local Chabad House to be their free hotel. It's just rude. Rolling Eyes

chocolate moose

Sun, Jun 10 2007, 1:39 pm

I have been told "sure, come for Shabbos" and then had the invitation retracted at the last minute. Leaving me and my family stranded. Mamesh.

I have had a shaliach who didn't particularly want a family - or perhaps it was just me - "on her head" a whole Shabbos. (She didn't care to cover her hair all the way with us there or observe the standards of food that we have in C.H.)

There are other women who just want Shabbos as their time alone, or their time "off". To read, to eat what they want, to relax.

There are women who marry men who are going to run a Beis Chabad, but they don't nec. want to do mesiras nefesh. They just want to live out of town.

Got it now?

gryp

Sun, Jun 10 2007, 2:21 pm

Why did you want to go there to begin with? For fun, or because you were stranded in the area?

I don't see anything wrong with a shlucha wanting a quiet(er) Shabbos just once in a while.

Quote:

There are women who marry men who are going to run a Beis Chabad, but they don't nec. want to do mesiras nefesh. They just want to live out of town.

There's mesiras nefesh in doing just that.

chocolate moose

Sun, Jun 10 2007, 3:30 pm

GR wrote:

Why did you want to go there to begin with? For fun, or because you were stranded in the area?

I'd rather not say as it borders on loshon horah.

I don't see anything wrong with a shlucha wanting a quiet(er) Shabbos just once in a while.

fine. but I was with my family, way out of my element, and had been invited weeks before and was counting on it !

Quote:

There are women who marry men who are going to run a Beis Chabad, but they don't nec. want to do mesiras nefesh. They just want to live out of town.

There's mesiras nefesh in doing just that.

maybe yes, maybe no.