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Do You Spank??

 
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Poll

Do You or Have You Spanked Your Children?
Yes Frequently...I don't see a problem
 1%  [ 1 ]
Yes Occasionaly...doesn't concern me too much
 10%  [ 6 ]
Yes...Only as a last resort
 29%  [ 17 ]
I have but regret it
 31%  [ 18 ]
No never!
 26%  [ 15 ]
Total Votes : 57


SouthernShalom




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Jun 16 2007, 10:50 pm
In response to an earlier thread.....
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amother






Post  Sat, Jun 16 2007, 10:56 pm
I did today because my son bit another kid and left marks. I find it useless actually and regret doing it, because it doesn't help (it was a worse punishment when we told him he wouldn't be allowed to play at X;s house for a month) . Corporal punishment should never be a reaction, and if I really thought about it, I wouldn't spank, especially as a punishment for an act of aggression!

My mother spanked, and it is hard not to, because my knee jerk reaction is to do what my mother did, but I don't find it useful..

However, my mashpia does spank as a last resort, and says she does so only in a controlled way and out of love. My mother spanked out of anger, and I need to not spank at all, because I wasn't exposed to positive corporal punishment. I think that is rare, but it does exist.
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happymom




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jun 17 2007, 12:04 am
no and I totally disagree with it for a few reasons (unless the kid is older and did something sooooooo bad and its a rare rare thing...)

first of all it makes NO sense to hit a kid for hitting, grabbing, biting etc. the message they are getting is " when we are angry its ok to hit...." or oh mommy doesnt want me to hit so she hits me, which makes no sense either. If we want our children to use words to tell us whats bothering them, so should we. If a child is frustrated and hits someone, its much more constructive to take them away from the situation and then ask them what bothered them, and what the right thing to do in that situation would have been and what they can do next time and maybe a time out to think about what they can do next time....... Hitting is just NOT a solution imo!
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mimivan




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jun 17 2007, 1:25 am
Happymom
Quote:
no and I totally disagree with it for a few reasons (unless the kid is older and did something sooooooo bad and its a rare rare thing...
)

I'd have to look it up, but I think acc to the Shulchan Aruch one should dafka avoid hitting an older child because it creates a michshol and they could hit back (which would be an aveira). But then again, all the more reason not to hit at all, so a parent doesn't get into the habit and will have to stop suddenly by a certain age with no other disciplinary tools!

While explaining is a good idea, it doesn't go too far with a 2 year old...it's good practice to try to explain to them, but I very firm "NO!" and to seperate them via time out is enough, I think....my husband and I went through a brief phase when (with a mashpia's permission) we were going to patch our 3 year old as a last resort for certain behaviors, but found the hitting superfluous and counterproductive...

I don't agree with it...but some people can do it constructively, I guess...
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pappymom




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jun 17 2007, 1:53 am
my baby is still to young but I heard from a rav that the only legitimate reasons to spank a child is for chutzpah and for doing something dangerous ie running into street
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amother






Post  Sun, Jun 17 2007, 1:58 am
pappymom wrote:
my baby is still to young but I heard from a rav that the only legitimate reasons to spank a child is for chutzpah and for doing something dangerous ie running into street


I spanked my child twice the other day for doing just those two things on the same day!!!
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Seraph




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jun 17 2007, 2:52 am
I dont beleive in spanking a child once they understand talking and other forms of punishment.
A two year old who runs in the street- you sternly tell him "NO!" and give him a VERY light patch (and completely out of anger).
Thats about it. For dangerous things. And only until they understand your talking to understand that they CANNOT do that again.
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amother






Post  Sun, Jun 17 2007, 3:12 am
I don't believe in spanking in general. However I do believe in spanking for doing something dangerous which they should NEVER do again (Yeah like running out on the street, or playing with matches.)

I don't really like to spank for Chutzpah because I think there must be more effective ways to deal with chutzpah, although I haven't yet figured it out and am still experimenting.
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Ruchel




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jun 17 2007, 9:27 am
My dd is too young LOL but I just hope I will never have to do it and she will never deserve it. I suppose if I never do it people will comment, but if she behaves I won't need.
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happymom




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jun 17 2007, 9:43 am
Quote:
While explaining is a good idea, it doesn't go too far with a 2 year old...it's good practice to try to explain to them, but I very firm "NO!"


I taught three and four year olds. after talking it out with them for a couple months there was NO MORE HITTING and everyone was USING WORDS! It became second nature for them to KNOW what to do when they were upset! So from experience I find it works. of course every kid is different.

BUt, there no point imo to just say no and punish because the REASON they are pushing or hitting is because they DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO when they are upset! they need to be told over and over what they SHOULD DO and that REALLY helps!
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happymom




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jun 17 2007, 9:45 am
Quote:
My dd is too young but I just hope I will never have to do it and she will never deserve it. I suppose if I never do it people will comment, but if she behaves I won't need.


if u dont believe in it and u dont want to then u can make sure it doesnt happen. I dont believe in yelling for example. it doesnt work, its not nice, and its not a positive thing. kids actually tune out when theres yelling. BH I have never yelled at my daugyhter. just talked very firmly when needed.... BUT I know anything can be done when someone puts thier mind to it cuz there have been times when I was about to yell but didnt! so thereofre if u can do that, anyone can.
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Ruchel




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jun 17 2007, 9:58 am
I wouldn't be upset if it happened, but I would rather keep it to a minimum.
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BennysMommy




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jun 17 2007, 9:58 am
happymom wrote:
Quote:
While explaining is a good idea, it doesn't go too far with a 2 year old...it's good practice to try to explain to them, but I very firm "NO!"


I taught three and four year olds. after talking it out with them for a couple months there was NO MORE HITTING and everyone was USING WORDS! It became second nature for them to KNOW what to do when they were upset! So from experience I find it works. of course every kid is different.

BUt, there no point imo to just say no and punish because the REASON they are pushing or hitting is because they DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO when they are upset! they need to be told over and over what they SHOULD DO and that REALLY helps!


I agree happymom. I would never yell at or hit my child or any child for that matter. I believe that talking is the answer. children respond soooo much better when you ask them whats bothering them, what they should have done if they were upset etc etc. I taught 2-4 year olds in 3 different schools and the "talking it out method" always worked! maybe not the first day of school but...
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su7kids




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jun 17 2007, 10:33 am
amother wrote:
I don't believe in spanking in general. However I do believe in spanking for doing something dangerous which they should NEVER do again (Yeah like running out on the street, or playing with matches.)

I don't really like to spank for Chutzpah because I think there must be more effective ways to deal with chutzpah, although I haven't yet figured it out and am still experimenting.


I used to potch a lot, and I regret the amount I did. My kids are older now. But when it came to chutzpa, I used to make them repeat what they were saying in a better way. I made sure they NEVER spoke to me that way, and they had to repeat themselves or "my ears didn't work" (same for whining, by the way).

I'm sure I did potch for chutzpa, though. I cannot stand chutzpa. I think sarcastic parents teach their kids to be chutzpadik.
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hadasa




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jun 17 2007, 11:41 am
I do, but very rarely. There are two kinds of potches I give. One is forewarned - I say, very calmly, "If you do that one more time, I'll have to give you a potch." Usually the child won't do whatever he was doing, but if he does, I follow through. I don't regret these, the child knows they were done because of Chinuch.

The other kind of potch comes when I'm stressed out, overtired, hungry and pregnant and some little thing gets on my nerves and before I realize, I've given a potch. These are the ones I regret and apologize for. B"H this happens rarely. I remember once my then-four-year-old looking at me totally shocked and saying. "Mommy, Mommies don't hurt their little boys!" While I regretted hitting him, I felt this was a great compliment, that he wasn't used to such things happening.
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mimivan




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jun 17 2007, 7:33 pm
Happymom
Quote:
I taught three and four year olds. after talking it out with them for a couple months there was NO MORE HITTING and everyone was USING WORDS


You can come teach my son anytime, happymom....BTW, I can see now that children with communication problems tend to hit more...I am having that problem with my oldest who has a profound speech delay. It is very hard, but at least he can understand me, even if it is hard for him to communicate. Potching him would only (and has only, because I have done it and regret it) add fuel to the fire.
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mimivan




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jun 17 2007, 7:36 pm
hadasa wrote:
I do, but very rarely. There are two kinds of potches I give. One is forewarned - I say, very calmly, "If you do that one more time, I'll have to give you a potch." Usually the child won't do whatever he was doing, but if he does, I follow through. I don't regret these, the child knows they were done because of Chinuch.

The other kind of potch comes when I'm stressed out, overtired, hungry and pregnant and some little thing gets on my nerves and before I realize, I've given a potch. These are the ones I regret and apologize for. B"H this happens rarely. I remember once my then-four-year-old looking at me totally shocked and saying. "Mommy, Mommies don't hurt their little boys!" While I regretted hitting him, I felt this was a great compliment, that he wasn't used to such things happening.


Thanks for the honesty, hadasa...I've been there too. One reason I don't like to potch is that I don't want to use any form of discipline that I would be ashamed to employ in front of other people. Like how would my guests react if I threatened to potch my son, since people are very judgemental about corporal punishment. I know you are giving a potch in the most calm, enlightened way possible, but how do you handle this around people who may disagree?
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amother






Post  Sun, Jun 17 2007, 11:40 pm
I was having trouble wiht discipling and my pediatrician recommended the book "123 magic" it is good for toddlers thru teens. I love the book, it really cuts out hitting and helps you take control of disciplining your house in a controlled fashion without the anger and losing control. I really recommend it to anyone who feels they are losing control while disciplining (and not even getting anywhere!!) you can buy this book for cheap on amazon. I really love it.
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