Don't know what to title this...

amother

Beige

Fri, Oct 23 2015, 12:24 am

Working on projects with men can always be dangerous.
I've worked on many and BH for the most part haven't had issues.
I recently began working with a new guy on a project in really a kosher atmosphere and the thing that is bothering me is actually quite ridiculous.

Gonna sidetrack for a moment.

You see when I was in shudduchim I tried so hard to explain what type of person hashkafically, personality, etc that I felt I needed. Not only was I never suggested guys like that but I never seemed to meet any so I assumed I was crazy for even feeling that I needed that.
My dh, was totally not what I was looking for, (and unfortunately still isn't though I only learned that more over time) and I sort of just changed who I am and married him because he was nice and I was comfortable around him and I didn't have that by any other guys I dated.
Meanwhile it causes a lot of friction in our marriage but I try to work through it and accept it for what it is.

Now back to work... I am working together with this guy and it keeps hitting me in the head that this is exactly the type of person that I had been explaining to parents and shadchanim years back! It actually exists!
Its so ridiculous!
Obviously he is married and I'm married and this is not a marriage discussion. But it just dug up skeletons that I shoved in the closet and its nagging me.
Yet I have to work on this project while trying not to constantly be reminded that my dh totally took that life and those needs away from me.
Hashkafically.
Emotionally (just as in listening and responding like a mentch, validating etc... Not touching on the chummy aspects as there is no chummy thank G-d in this work relationship).
Communicationwise.
And more.
Obviously you don't know anybody and their own skeletons if u don't live with them but I just feel so satisfied working with this guy and it almost angers me that I don't get that satisfaction with my dh.

Its a good thing this guy is totally unaware but its bothering me.
Wish I could feel the same respect for my dh that I have towards my project coworker.

Yes I know I will need to keep my bounds so that it remains appropriate... Just letting this off my chest ladies, so no bashing..!

amother

Honeydew

Fri, Oct 23 2015, 12:55 am

First of all, in response to your vent, I wanted to send hugs and support. So sorry you're going through such a tough time in your marriage, and having salt added to the wounds at work. I really hope things only start looking up from here. I just wanted to give over some perspectives that I have found helped me in "comparison" situations:

Just as you have skeletons, so does your co-worker. You mentioned that you've learned more over the years just how much your husband is not what you had been looking for. (Hugs to you, OP!!!) I think you can apply the same lessons here- you only have a professional relationship. You are just touching the surface. When Hashem handed you your husband and didn't hand you your co-worker, He saw your co-worker in his entirety, not just in the setting that you see him in. Perhaps you aren't seeing it, but there is definitely something there that Hashem was being kind enough not to give you. (I don't mean the co-worker is secretly a sociopath. I'm talking more about compatibility or whether he can help you fulfill your life purpose and goals or any of the thousand things Hashem has to think about in designing matches.)

This, at least, is what I told myself when I was turned down by my dream guy when I was dating. I really felt like we were compatible. I felt like he was just the guy I was looking for, hashkafically, emotionally, and academically. I thought our dates had been nice, but at some point he turned me down, and I will never know why. The guy I ended up marrying is amazing, but doesn't have some of the qualities I really liked about that guy that I dated. Sometimes I think about it and keep reminding myself everything I wrote above- "though the guy you dated might have had qualities you wish DH had, it's most probable that DH has some qualities that you need that this guy didn't have." Hashem is much better at this matchmaking thing than me.

Not only does this remind me to stop comparing when I don't have the full picture, but it also helps me start to focus on the positive qualities of DH that I know I wouldn't be able to live without. I'm so so grateful he's my husband, even though he hasn't checked off everything that had been on my Husband List when I was dating. It's those positive qualities that keep our marriage strong.