Can I just skip the "required" gifts this year?

Amarante

Sun, Dec 06 2015, 8:55 am

Boysrock! wrote:

I didn't mean to offend the female teachers as less worthy! I myself tip every teacher and rebbe. I think every teacher, rebbe is worthy of recognition for the amazing job they do. But yes, I give my boys rebbe way more than I give their English teacher. My boys rebbe spend about 7 hours teaching them each day while their English teacher is there for 2 hours with them. If there is a problem with friends, bullying, or whatnot, it's the rebbe my kids are most likely to approach. But with my daughters teachers - they have evenly divided kodesh and chol hours and are amazing teachers but I do tip them less than my sons rebbe - they each teach about 3 hours and most of them even have a part time job as well. Again, it's not about them deserving less, but the rebbes deserving more. Obviously, it goes without saying that there are some incompetent rebbes who don't deserve anything - but I wouldn't keep my kid in a class with such a rebbe! Same with school, if I ever had a teacher go out of her way to support/devote herself to my daughter you bet I show my appropriate appreciation.

And even further, and I very well might get disowned my imamother for saying this - My husband tip my sons rebbe almost every month. We don't do that with the teachers at all. None of my daughters teachers ever came close to the hours and devotion a full time rebbe gives. And I write appreciation notes to my daughters teacher periodically as well.

Your original post said no gift or a lesser gift was justified solely on the basis of their relations and somehow single women or all women deserved less.

There was no statement that it was possibly due to merit or different job description.

amother

Yellow

Sun, Dec 06 2015, 8:58 am

Boysrock! wrote:

I am the amother who thinks it is nuts to ignore the girls' teachers and BD and give the boy's BD instead.

LOL I also give the rebbe (and English teachers) Rosh Chodesh money and not the female teachers. If you get thrown off for that, I will resign as well. Please tell me why you think you should get thrown off?

SRS

Sun, Dec 06 2015, 9:13 am

Boysrock! wrote:

Just to be dan - maybe her daughter's teachers are still single girls as opposed to the rebbe and bus driver who need to support a family. If she can only afford to gift one, I think gifting the breadwinner makes sense...

So laughable. What percentage of black hat men or Chassidic men who marry are working from day one? I'd guess under 50%, perhaps under 25%, perhaps even lower in some communities? I think most young married women are working in some way, shape, or form before their wedding. They are the breadwinners and often continue to be.

If gifts are tzedakah, you should do your due diligence. If they are gifts, you would give regardless of the person having a million in retirement.

If one only wants to give to a certain type of teacher, I guess that makes sense, but no wonder the kids don't value the general education teachers the same if Rebbes are given to generously, but the general ed staff is excluded.

dancingqueen

Sun, Dec 06 2015, 11:46 am

amother wrote:

Just curious, why do you give the rebbes a gift every Rosh Chodesh?

ra_mom

Sun, Dec 06 2015, 2:10 pm

Why are some posters attacking groisamomma? If I only had enough to gift one of my children's teachers, then I'd have to choose one over the other/s too. Sometimes there is a child that requires extra attention or discipline from the teachers and bus drivers, and of course, the one that has to work harder is the one I'd choose to gift.
And she's giving personal thank you cards to everyone else, not just simply ignoring them. How nice!

amother

Yellow

Sun, Dec 06 2015, 2:12 pm

Maya wrote:

An actual minhag with roots in religion? Interesting.

The people I know who do that do it as a way of "bribing" the rebbes into paying special attention to their children.

Then in that case, no one should ever contribute to a class Chanukah gift since little Hindy will not get special attention.

yksraya

Sun, Dec 06 2015, 2:17 pm

In dd's school they collect $3 per kid per teacher and buy one gift from entire class.

the boys we give every rosh chodesh, it's what they call rosh chodesh gelt, it's not that dd teachers don't deserve money etc, it's more kind of something that is in the system, if a dad doesn't give the rebbe rosh chodesh money he won't be as attentive to your kid, that's how it is here. So we have no choice but to give the "bribe money" every month to the rebbe's

we do tip teachers on purim when we give the MM. Bh teachers do their job and don't need to or expect to be bribed.

2cents

Sun, Dec 06 2015, 2:22 pm

I would skip it if you can't comfortably afford it. I am a teacher, my husband is a rebbe. We don't get gifts (or tips!!!) From even a third of our students, and we both go above and beyond to really meet each student's needs. Tuition is expensive, both camp and school. I thank teachers, counselors, and drivers warmly and sincerely every day.
Where in the world did these obligations of extravagant tips come from?? I think it's become just one more area of people who have the time and money starting a trend that's gotten out of control with one-ups-manship (ahem, did someone say shelach manos??)

/end rant. Just my opinion.

Btw, baked goods are very iffy because you put in time and effort, and many won't eat it even if they totally trust you (because of different minute details and standards: yoshon? Parve oven? Fleshing oven that hadn't been used in 24 hrs? Etc.)

SRS

Sun, Dec 06 2015, 3:33 pm

yksraya wrote:

the boys we give every rosh chodesh, it's what they call rosh chodesh gelt, it's not that dd teachers don't deserve money etc, it's more kind of something that is in the system, if a dad doesn't give the rebbe rosh chodesh money he won't be as attentive to your kid, that's how it is here. So we have no choice but to give the "bribe money" every month to the rebbe's.

Stop feeling powerless and start talking and even organizing. This is atrocious and can be stopped. I still don't know why there should be any collections in a world where there is tuition, but if there are, I think bribery isn't much of a Torah value and Ben Gamla would certainly have been appalled by this type of buying education for the richer.

cnc

Sun, Dec 06 2015, 5:07 pm

Maya wrote:

An actual minhag with roots in religion? Interesting.

The people I know who do that do it as a way of "bribing" the rebbes into paying special attention to their children.

It is a minhag. It comes from the fact that before the war when parents paid the melamed directly , they gave it every rosh chodesh. Some people continue the minhag by tipping every Rosh Chodesh. "Chodesh gelt"
(We don't, but people have told me that they do it.)

Raisin

Sun, Dec 06 2015, 5:11 pm

ra_mom wrote:

If I don't have enough to give a nice gift to each teacher I would give a smaller gift or something token. Not a large gift to one or two teachers and nothing to the others.

I don't give gifts so that teachers will pay more attention to my kids. I give it because they deserve it for doing a great job for usually inadequate pay.

Maya

Sun, Dec 06 2015, 5:20 pm

cnc wrote:

Perhaps, but since a method of payment is not actually a real minhag, and since that's not done anymore and tuition goes to an administration and not to the teacher himself, the sole purpose that Chodesh gelt serves is as a bribe. Everyone who does it knows that...

Which is totally fine, but let's not pretend it's something that it is not.

Raisin

Sun, Dec 06 2015, 5:22 pm

Maya wrote:

Its also a handy way of avoiding taxes.

JAWSCIENCE

Sun, Dec 06 2015, 5:23 pm

I assumed the boy was special needs and took extra attention from the teachers and bus driver. Or that since there is one boy there are no other teachers to be offended but if one girls teacher was gifted the others in the same school would feel slighted.

Giving rosh chodesh gelt Seems wrong. Does your school not charge tuition or pay rebbes? This minhag is not actually something with a basis in Halacha and it sounds like it is forcing other families to shell out cash or have their kids suffer. If this tradition that has no halachic basis is hurting others then It should be abandoned in favor of keeping the mitzvah of bein Adam lcahveiro

amother

Yellow

Sun, Dec 06 2015, 5:58 pm

Maya wrote:

You are a cynic, and I resent your incorrectly conclusively deciding why I do something. I do it because our Rabbi said to. This is the end of the story. Your "everyone" is limited to your circle, your family and whoever else is mad at Satmar. Sometimes know it alls are wrong even if all the other know it alls in their life agree.

I do a lot of things I don't agree with because the Rabbi says so. I only stand up when I disagree strongly. I honestly don't mind giving 18x to the rebbes. What exactly am I bribing them to do? Change grades? Teach their class? Give recess? Challenge my son?

I give a lot more to the school than some measly gelt to the rabbis. Do I do that to bribe the administration to change grades, give recess, challenge my son or have tenbes teach? I am not understanding the bribe part.