When did you finally "make it."

amother

Aqua

Tue, Dec 08 2015, 12:02 am

I get way too down reading thread after thread from posters unable to financially make it. I know though that some of you have had financial success in life, that was self made. I want to hear those stories! I am working full time and my husband is a lawyer. I hope to see the day that his income exceeds his loans and I can take just a small, maybe a few hours less a week, breather. Give me hope!

amother

Pearl

Tue, Dec 08 2015, 12:30 am

I am going anon for this because I'm sure someone will flame me because most people would not consider me to have "made it." I am working hard, on food stamps and medicaid, getting a tuition discount (paying half and with a nebulous "payment plan" for the rest when my fortune turns) and living in a place that is let's just say not what I had in mind but all I can afford.

But when did I finally "make it"? Every year before Rosh Hashana when I review my accounts to see if I "owe" any maaser or just generally assess what's going on, and I see that our net is about the same as it's always been and we are not in any debt - even if we had to accept some assistance and live frugally to get there. When I see that despite the stresses I felt at having a period of time with no work or large unexpected expenses, at the end of the day (not every day, but at the end of the year anyway) it all somehow worked out. That's when I breathe my sigh of relief and say "Thank G-d, we made it."

amother

Indigo

Tue, Dec 08 2015, 7:05 am

Our finances started to stabilize when
my husband was about 26.. We lost money in 2 business's he started, had debt of a couple of thousand dollars, but my husband is an extreme go-getter - an entrepreneur with an endless amount of enthusiasm. With a lot of siyata dshmaya and mistakes, he finally tapped into his real strength as a salesman and started earning enough. At first I was upset, I thought if he works this hard it should be for his own business but now I see how he's thriving and know it's exactly what he is supposed to do. He's a natural ppl person and gravitates towards ppl. His personality affords him powerful connections and by now he is in sales for many different companies for interrelated products.

Regarding the term 'made it' - it's difficult to say that because we can never relax, sit back and say, we've got this. Also financial needs change and evolve over time. For now, our kids are still young and we are able to put in about $6000 in a trust fund for each child per year and live comfortably. I imagine as we have more kids we will need more income. Also, we hope to sell our starter home and buy a bigger one eventually - also something we will need to save up for... So it's never 'enough' but it is 'good enough'. More than good...

We are very rich b"h. Not in standard monetary terms, but in happiness. We aren't in debt, have a few beautiful children and an abundant of blessings we probably don't deserve!

Thank you Hashem!

finallyamommy

Tue, Dec 08 2015, 7:15 am

What's considered making it? We still rent but iyh we'll be able to buy in the next year or so. We have no debt, except that we need to catch up on our maaser from the last few months (holidays and then moving were expensive). We are rarely in minus (generally only when we're paid late for some reason). We're talking about buying a car. Our income, as far as I know, is exactly average by Israeli standards.

I mean, I don't feel like we've made it because we haven't bought yet, but bh we are comfortable and can generally afford little luxuries and/or save a bit.

amother

Tangerine

Tue, Dec 08 2015, 8:59 am

I actually think this thread would make some posters down. My dh has been jobless for almost 2 years.
Im happy for those of you who enjoy financial success but please, I don't think you need any " chizuk" so please don't use this thread to flaunt it. Bad enough I have to deal with it IRL.

Don't get me wrong, im really happy for all of you. Glad you don't have to struggle. Enjoy your wealth and may you do good things with it

amother

Plum

Tue, Dec 08 2015, 9:28 am

major hugs tangerine mom- that sounds really hard.
the point of this thread is not for people to flaunt but show that it is possible. sometimes people feel like based on imamother everyone is in a terrible marriage, everyone is in dept.... and therefore of course they don't stand a chance of ever changing their negative reality because what makes them any different then everyone else who is living a miserable life.

It gives people chizuk to hear no it's not like this for everyone, it is possible to have a good marriage, to be ok financially, to be emotionally healthy... fill in the blanks. there is hope. If we did it you can also type of thing. The op specifically asked for that and therefore that's what people are posting.

I"yh may you soon be on the "othere side" being able to give others chizuk that it is possible to feel financially comfortable!

mommy3b2c

Tue, Dec 08 2015, 9:49 am

amother wrote:

May this chanukah be the start of miracles for you. I hope your husband gets a job and becomes financially successful in the near future. I too had a time in my life that I didnt even have money for bread or milk.

HonesttoGod

Tue, Dec 08 2015, 11:11 am

I personally like to see the hope that people got somewhere.
But not from people who "started" rich (like some of my friends, they complain how hard it is to pay rent but they forget that for the first 1 or 2 years of marriage they didn't even know what rent was!).

My dh and I both work FULL time, and I cannot see an end in sight. I know we are both working our way up and we will get there but in the moment it is hard to see it.

I actually thought of a sweet way to remember how hard I work now, for the future, I write down on a paper little thoughts and ideas - for example when I was sick the other day and I had nothing with me at work to eat, I had to call dh to make sure it was ok to spend $10 on buying takeout, knowing it was the only thing I'd eat.
I wrote this down, in 5 years, iy"h lunch take out will not be a major deal and I can look back and see how far we have come and actually honestly appreciate it.

Like not forget how hard we have worked and how much Hashem has pulled us through all the hardships and **** in the way.

Lady Godiva

Tue, Dec 08 2015, 11:22 am

HonesttoGod wrote:

What you wrote above makes no sense. Just because a couple doesn't have to pay 1-2 years of rent when they just get married, that doesn't mean that they won't have a hard time paying rent in the future. Their struggles are just as real as others' struggles. They're allowed to complain about how hard paying rent is for them now even though it wasn't hard for them earlier.

Do you feel that you (and people who "started" with less money than your "rich" friends did) have a monopoly on "getting somewhere" in life financially?

HonesttoGod

Tue, Dec 08 2015, 11:26 am

Lady Godiva wrote:

Yes. I do. Maybe it is just the friends I see but 1-2 years of paid rent is usually not only that. It is also groceries, random things they feel they need etc.
Besides, I am not denying that they will or won't have struggles but at the end of the day, when they hit struggles they have $xxx amount saved from the first years that they had extra and I have $0. Because I never got to save anything because I was always paying rent, ticket expenses to visit family (and this is not vacation or fun trips, this is necessary family visits). When I had $100 tip or gift, it went to buying food for the week or paying my bill not towards getting my nails done or buying a coach bag.

They might have struggles now but they have the fall back, or they had the fun times and from where I am standing, I still haven't had any of that yet. So it does make a huge difference.

amother

Turquoise

Tue, Dec 08 2015, 11:33 am

Lady Godiva wrote:

To put things into perspective: we got absolutely no financial help from the beginning of our marriage. No stuff for our new baby, (a few clothing items, that was it) no tickets home, nothing. My husband learnt in kollel and I worked until our baby was born. Once she was born my husband got a temporary job while he looked for a more permanent one, but he was severely underpaid and we went into debt over that year. He actually found a permanent job pretty quickly but it involved a relocation and lots of negotiations over contract details.

So 2 years after marriage, we were in a lot of debt. It took us a year or two to pay that off and then we saved every penny we could until we could afford a downpayment on a house. At that point our kids were already in school and saving became harder and harder.

bh we earn enough for food and daily expenses and most of our tuition bill but simchos are a real killer, and we have no savings.

However bh while we will likely never be rich we both have fulfilling and interesting jobs, great kids and many other brochos.

Lady Godiva

Tue, Dec 08 2015, 11:44 am

HonesttoGod wrote:

You're giving way too much credence to the idea that if a couple didn't have to pay 2 years of rent they have a comfortable cushion to fall back on. Some such couples live it up during those years and end up being a couple of years behind in their abilities to live independently.
And if you're alluding to couples who have wealthy parents who support them, remember that the strings that lead to the purse are usually strings that control, too.
Either way, jealousy is very damaging, ineffectual, and will block you from seeing what may be a different reality.

amother

Aqua

Tue, Dec 08 2015, 12:58 pm

Op here,
I am sorry if people feel this thread is insensitive. I literally get anxiety reading threads of how much people are suffering. It makes me feel incredibly guilty ever davening for "more" when I know we are doing ok. I guess I wanted to hear stories that you worked full time and grueling hours for years and bh your husband was able to take on some of the burden. I know expenses will always increase but I do see people doing well too.

amother

Tan

Tue, Dec 08 2015, 1:56 pm

We both have been working full time since we got married, and in the beginning it was very tough because we earned very little. We always gave maaser. We both have very good degrees and qualifications. As time went on, as our family grew, we both switched jobs and got paid more. We saved and lived below our means for a while, and then we bought a house. The big ideological breakthrough for me was reading The Surrendered Wife. It really helped me let my husband take over the burden of the finances which led to him wanting to increase what he earned. In 1 year, his earnings increased by around 60k. (In the year after me reading that book). That was a big turning point for us. I still work full time but it has been a much better time for us, and I have more disposable income and luxuries after reading that book.

Just an endnote - let's not kid ourselves. In the frum world there is a lot of expenses. So maybe you will be able to cut back a little, or work from home on Fridays, but chances are you might still need to work, no matter how hard your husband works. That's the case with us ...

groovy1224

Tue, Dec 08 2015, 10:51 pm

amother wrote:

Obviously there are people who make it. But you're not going to see it..no one's going to start a thread 'I paid all my bills this month and have extra left over HELP!!'

Life is a bell curve. There are always going to be those that struggle with finances, those that live in excess, and then the vast majority who fall somewhere in between. It's the group you hear the least about because it's not very interesting, but we're here.

Hatzlacha to you and your husband

HonesttoGod

Wed, Dec 09 2015, 11:40 am

Lady Godiva wrote:

Where did I say I was jealous?
I B"H have a very happy, albeit stressful, life. I am not jealous of their lives, of anyone's lives actually because I love mine (most of the time).
However if you re-read my post you will see I said even if they don't save and do use all their money on vacations and trips, they have had that. They had the years of endless new clothing, shoes, vacations, date nights etc etc etc. So when they come to hard times even if they miss it all and technically it is "harder" for them because they used to have it all, at least they have had it all.

Those of us who are looking forward and hoping to be able to be comfortable and no financial stress, haven't had it all. We haven't had those vacations and honeymoons et al. So we want to look forward and know that we will make it, to see that we CAN do this.

Lastly, I personally know several couples who have very comfortable lives cushioned by their parents pockets, and their parents are not controlling. Unless you call free vacations with the parents controlling. I know others who do have controlling parents but when my in laws told us to visit more my dh said if visiting more means getting free supper well then lets do it.

mha3484

Wed, Dec 09 2015, 12:32 pm

I have not made it yet but I am finally feeling like I am heading in the right direction. After testing out a few fields and just feeling blah, I am doing something now that I really enjoy and feel good at. The pay is nothing spectacular but there is room to grow and maybe even start a side business. I can pay my bills without extreme stress. I get some indirect family help (we manage an apartment my MIL owns because she lives out of state). Its work not free money. When there are maintenance issues its DH and I who show up. She can take it back any time she pleases. I am the only married child and my kids are the only grand kids so my family likes to buy clothes and toys which I guess saves me some money.

I think that the attitude is really key. I work hard, like my job and I try to spend on whats important in life. I buy clothes when I need not because I feel social pressure, a coffee once or twice a week, cleaning help as needed, we dont vacation. One car, my sheital is barely worn. But I work so hard to be upbeat and positive and greatful for my life.