Gifts and entitlement/spoilage

seeker

Sat, Dec 12 2015, 10:32 pm

I'm getting worried about my kids turning into spoiled entitled brats. Any tips on how to avoid this? I can talk myself hoarse about gratitude and not kvetching and good manners and good middos but it doesn't seem to be getting me very far. They'll say thank you and they'll switch from gimme to please or from whining to big-person talk but only when prompted and sometimes coerced.

So that's question #1.

Question #2 is that our local police precinct organizes a holiday gift giveaway for local kids. Someone once mentioned to me that it is good to participate because we want to show the local powers that we are a significant, involved part of the community. But I can't help but wonder what chinuch purpose it will serve for my children to bring them to an event where the sole purpose is for people we don't even know to give them gifts for no reason. I mean, this isn't like grandma who loves you so much that she bought you a nice present and now let's write her a really nice thank-you letter. And it's not like a party where there's some interaction and you go home with something too. This is - everyone line up and get your gift. Say thanks and then go home.
So on one hand I don't want to deprive my kids of something someone wants to give them, and I'm told that it's a good thing for our community to represent there, but on the other hand it's not like my kids don't have toys and I don't know what message this will send to them.
WWYD? Am I thinking too hard?

Amarante

Sat, Dec 12 2015, 10:53 pm

I've never heard that it's good for relatively privileged children to participate in gift giveaways. In my experience, it's the other way around where privileged kids donate for less privileged children.

I don't think taking n the circumstances you describe serves any purpose. Participating in a party is one thing but to line up for gifts is another.

There are programs that personalize gift giving. I know at work we used to get children to specifically buy a present for based on their wish list. Maybe you could find no a program like that which matches your children with needy children and so they have the pleasure of giving with someone specific in mind rather than just general.

seeker

Sat, Dec 12 2015, 10:57 pm

We actually do participate in donation drives and swaps and other similar things. In this case it is not a need-based program, it's a community outreach thing. But yeah as you can see I'm not so comfortable with the whole idea. I guess I just don't get it. Receiving things for no particular reason is just not part of my mindset.

Amarante

Sat, Dec 12 2015, 11:08 pm

I agree with you as I don't see the point of an outreach where gifts are given. It should be a party where kids bring a gift for less fortunate kids. A party in which kids participate is nice but to make gifts a central part makes no sense to me.

I thinkmevery relatively affluent parent worries about kids growing up,with a sense of entitlement instead of gratitude. I think you just plug away and set an example and most seem to grow up with good hearts. I just accept the greediness of children as natural and part of the socialization process and they will also show such unexpected sweet compassionate sides.

Last edited by Amarante on Sat, Dec 12 2015, 11:09 pm; edited 1 time in total

imasinger

Sat, Dec 12 2015, 11:54 pm

Q#1: Keep up the good work! Middos take time to build. You will eventually be able to scale back the support system to "what do you say?", or a Look. How long will that take? As long as it takes. Each kid is different.

I have kids with some challenges, and only recently started increasing their responsibilities. It has really helped with hakaras hatov.

One of the Chanukah presents I gave was a card to use for a freebie -- a laundry wash, dry, fold, put away for 13 y.o. DD, and 3 breakfast preparations for 9 y.o. DS. A year ago, they would not have been impressed, bcause I always did these things. But this year, they were delighted.

Q2: There are plenty of other ways to be part of your larger community without doing the gift handout event. Look for an opportunity that is more in line with your values. Is there a local soup kitchen, or food pantry?

mommy3b2c

Sun, Dec 13 2015, 12:32 am

1) yes you are overthinking it.
2) why can't you just tell them that you are donating a toy to poor children who can't afford them. You are teaching them about charity and how to be a giver. What a wonderful lesson for them to learn!

Eta- I just read through the posts and I see I misunderstood. Don't go if you don't feel comfortable.

chani8

Sun, Dec 13 2015, 7:05 am

As far as going to the 'support the police' thing and getting a present: you are giving to them, you are showing support, and in return, they want to show the community support, so they are giving gifts. It's a give give situation. "Let's go meet the police." And then when you get there, "Oh look, they're giving gifts to all the little kids. Aren't they so nice."

As for spoiling the kids . . . spoil them. Spoil them and stop asking for good manners. They will learn manners all on their own, or you can teach it once or twice, but certainly not regularly. It's shaming and a big negative. "Say thank you, say please." Sorry, it's really not nice, imo. Teach them by being that way yourself.

I never 'taught' my kids manners and they all have very good manners.