Do I tell the school..- this is long

amother

Lilac

Mon, Dec 28 2015, 3:04 pm

I recently pulleddd from her high school as she finally broke down and shared with me the bullying she has been going through the past number of years. We always blamed the fact that she was sad because she is highly sensitive and has a language processing disorder(hard time with sarcasm idioms etc.) , but putting all the pieces together-we know why she is highly sensitive. It is because of the way her classmates have treated her over the years. I think anyone would be sensitive if day in and day being told things like- don't sit next to me, there is no room here for you, telling you not to be part of the conversation, telling you ugh your in school again- why are you here and the one that takes the cake, overhearing a girls say " insert name is such a brat, I wish she weren't even born"!
Not that it matters, but dd is very, clean, doesn't smell or pick her nose or any other gross thing, goes out of her way to help others and looks out for her friends.

I spoke with the school guidance counselor(who had a hard time believing these girls could say such things) and the principal. The principal said he would have a team meeting and work on something- we waitied two weeks and dd opened up more about the comments and I said ENOUGH and we pulled her from the school. The principal was wonderful- he wished her well and has called to check on her etc. Told her how brave she was for speaking up.

She is in therapy now and being homeschooled. And sooooo much happier!!!!!!!

Well most recently she was taking a walk on her own around the block and saw a group of girls from her "old" class and she had a panic attack. She called home and spoke with ds- told him she was safe, but really scared and keep talking to her until she was ok. I came home and found her crying inconsolably. She asked for space and time. Finally she came around and told me she saw this group of girls and she was so afraid they were going to say something nasty to her. She also expressed how alone she felt( a lot of kids are away this week for winter break). I asked her from this group of girls that she saw what was the worst thing they would say to her- she said they never said anything to her face, always to each other as she would walk by, things like - " I can't believe she is wearing that" "look how bad that looks" (the funny part is there is a school uniform so they were all wearing the same thing) the one that makes me nuts though is ' Look at her, she is so obese". For a teen who is a solid girl(not obese) but is self conscious. I can't even imagine the pain she has been living with.
So after saying all of that,
1)do I contact the school and see if they have actually done something about the issue
2) let them know the other things I found out
3) make sure they have a big problem on their hands

I want to send a letter to these parents telling them what nasty things their kids have done. Also I want them to realize dd left not because she has issues, but because of what they did.

dH says leave it alone. let dd work through therapy. She is not in the school anymore, why does she care what they think (he totally doesn't get teenage girl).

Can you tell I am a bit angry....
Advice please. Also recently found out that this is happening to another girl in the class who actually was pretty obnoxious to dd. Her mother pulled her from the school as well.

Rose816

Mon, Dec 28 2015, 3:19 pm

Oy!! First of all, I'm so sorry to hear that you and your daughter have gone through this!!! Hugs to you guys!!

For preface, I'm closer to HS than having a daughter in HS--but I'd love to give some advice!

I think it is completely appropriate to tell the school the new things you found out from your daughter, and to check to see if anything has been done. Just because your daughter is out of school does not mean that these girls are off the hook. You're not seeking revenge, just that proper action has been taken. It is absolutely necessary that the school does something, and the girls who are bullies are on a healthy path to changing their behavior.

On the flip side, I think it's also important to think about the possible consequences of telling the school--will it come back to haunt your DD somehow? (Chas v'Shalom) Additionally, what is the school going to do? Give a detention, a suspension? An assembly on bullying? Would it perhaps be more beneficial to speak directly to the parents of these girls?

I'm so sorry to hear about these situation, iy"H, your daughter will continue successfully on the path of leading a healthy and happy life. Good for you for being a responsible parent, taking her out of an unhealthy situation and getting her healp. Good luck!

thunderstorm

Mon, Dec 28 2015, 3:20 pm

My son was bullied and the principal took things into his hands Baruch Hashem...and literally called a spontaneous assembly of the entire school, when he heard of what was going on. He stood on the podium and CRIED...the kids said he had tears! He said the most painful part to him was that on an entire school bus of kids nobody stood up to the bullies , they just watched in horror as my son was almost choked to death..but nobody told them to stop..aside for ONE boy. That boy received an award in front of the entire school ....the principal then had the bullies write me and my husband apologetic letters, begging me for forgiveness. I cried as I read these letters...and from that point on my son was rarely ever bullied again...
In regard to your daughter, she is out of the school...so dont bother calling the school...if they didnt take action THEN they wont bother doing it now. I would say , instead of writing letters to the mothers of these daughters...write a letter directly to the girls..express your PAIN (not your anger) for the damage they have done. Give them a choice to ask for mechila from both your daughter and you...as it causes a mother just as much pain to see her child suffer...and perhaps that will give you some closure. Hatzlacha!

Chayalle

Mon, Dec 28 2015, 3:32 pm

OP there's alot of pain in your post. However, there's a bit of sifting of what the girls did vs. what your DD perceived, that is confusing.

From your post, it sounds like your DD went for a walk and saw a bunch of girls. Based on her past hurts, she had a panic attack thinking what these girls might say to her (not what they actually said to her.) She felt alone, and she thought of past hurts, and she projected those into the present and reacted to that.

If this is true, it begs the question: Has the bullying actually occurred, or is this your daughter's perception? If the bullying occurred in the past, is it still occurring in the present, or is it your DD's anxiety and perceived hurt that is going on right now? If the bullying occurred in the past, was it at these girls' own initiative, or was it instigated by some misunderstanding, or behaviors, on the part of your DD that lead them to behave this way?

I have had experience at the opposite end of the spectrum - my child had a schoolmate who was highly sensitive, and this sensitive schoolmate interpreted normal social responses as bullying. She accused others of bullying her when actually they were simply going about their business but not responding to her the way that she would have liked.

If your child has difficulty socially, it could be that others are not being nice to her...but sometimes it can just be a situation of misunderstandings that got out of hand. And in some situations, a highly-sensitive person can misinterpret normal occurrences and experience them as bullying.

It's important to sort out what really happened here before making nasty accusations that could seriously backfire against you. Try to find out, with the help of her therapist, what really went on here. Just going for a walk and meeting a group of girls and feeling lonely not being part of that, does not make them into bullies (even if in the past they may have been nasty, it does not make them nasty today.)

In any case it sounds like your DD needs to get help to work thru her negative self image, anxiety, etc....you have enough on your hands without worrying about other people's issues. You have let the school know of the problem....let them focus on what they have to deal with while you focus on your child.

Fox

Mon, Dec 28 2015, 3:36 pm

Perhaps I'm naive, but I don't believe that most school administrators wake up in the morning saying, "Eh, who cares if some of my students are psychologically torturing others." I think most schools theoretically want to stop or prevent bullying, but it's not so easy.

It's even harder in girls' schools, where the bullying is likely to be more subtle than among boys, where there are frequently physical actions that can be witnessed and addressed. The mean girls aren't saying these things where adults can hear them, and I have no doubt that, if confronted, butter wouldn't melt in their sweet little mouths.

And let's assume for the sake of the argument that you have full parental backing and agreement on the nature and seriousness of the problem. How do you then go about "making" girls be nice? How do you offset the corrosive peer pressure that is probably leading girls who would never be cruel on their own to join in the communal abuse?

Nevertheless, the school seems to have a problem that runs rather deep and is self-perpetuating. The fact that another student -- one who was not particularly friendly with your DD -- also experienced effects of a bullying culture is a pretty good indicator that the school needs to get professional outside help in changing the atmosphere.

My suggestion would be to team up with the other parent who withdrew her DD and send an empathetic but firmly-worded letter to both the principal and the board of directors. Acknowledge the difficulties in preventing bullying, but suggest that your own DDs' experiences and the ultimate withdrawal of two students is a bellwether that a dangerous situation has developed that could harm the school's reputation and ultimate viability. Don't threaten or allow anger to seep into your message; just point out that the situation has obviously become serious enough to warrant extensive efforts to change the culture among students at the school.

I would caution you that sending such a letter is unlikely to give you the closure you're seeking. Your DH is correct that your DD -- and perhaps you -- need a different and possibly therapeutic environment through which to find a measure of peace. However, you can at least feel good that you tried to give the powers-that-be a heads-up that they need to address this problem before it's too late.

Notsobusy

Mon, Dec 28 2015, 4:50 pm

Bizzydizzymommy wrote:

I just wanted to tell you that this brought tears to my eyes. For the principal to get up and cry in front of the whole school, wow. We need a lot more principals like him, who really care about each student.

I don't really expect you to tell us, but I would love to know what school this is.

amother

Lilac

Mon, Dec 28 2015, 5:17 pm

op here- thanks for all of the chizuk and advice- to respond- to some of the posters- at first I did think it was my daughter being highly sensitive and misunderstanding social cues etc., but when she shared with me that she finally spoke up and responded to something nasty one girl said to her by saying, "you know that really hurt my feelings" and the response was - "well its true and I only tell the truth." and then share that story with the principal and found out from a teacher- oh yeh- that girl does say that everyday to dd, uh helllooooooo and you never said anything to the girl! Then I knew there was something more to all of her tears and heartache. For several years I was being don l'kaf zechus for these other girls and saying it was dd who was too sensitive- when I should have been sticking up for her( I guess I am angry with myself). For dd to have a panic attack for just walking by this group- there is definitely waaaaay more than what she actually telling me.

My hope is that school is actually doing something- otherwise what kind of girls are we raising.
I did speak with 2 of the parents asked them to find out from their daughter's if my dd did something to them to be treated this way or was their a misinterpretation. One of the parents said she would look into it and never got back to me. The other parent found out oh yes her daughter did do that, but doesn't do it anymore.
So the conversations amounted to nothing really... In my heart I know writing to the parents would do nothing as some of them are snobs themselves so I know where it comes from , but as an adult I know how to deal with it. But the irrational part of me wants to be able to say to them their sweet darlings aren't as lovely as they think.

So from all your responses- I guess its kind of tied, some say don't waste my time and some say it may help...

Fox

Mon, Dec 28 2015, 7:17 pm

amother wrote:

I did speak with 2 of the parents asked them to find out from their daughter's if my dd did something to them to be treated this way or was their a misinterpretation. One of the parents said she would look into it and never got back to me. The other parent found out oh yes her daughter did do that, but doesn't do it anymore.
So the conversations amounted to nothing really... In my heart I know writing to the parents would do nothing as some of them are snobs themselves so I know where it comes from , but as an adult I know how to deal with it. But the irrational part of me wants to be able to say to them their sweet darlings aren't as lovely as they think.

I think you're putting the parents in an impossible situation by communicating with them directly.

Unlike a situation where two boys get into a widely-observed skirmish, no one is witnessing these stealth attacks. So what do you do, as a parent? Do you believe your own dear Vilda Chaya, who regularly volunteers with disabled children and helps her elderly grandparents? Do you believe the other parent, whom you've never met? Do you ultimately decide to split the difference and tell your kid that you believe she's innocent and not to do it again?

The world is not divided into bullies and victims. Each of us is fully capable of acting in either role, given the right pressures, inducements, and circumstances.

Moreover, each of our kids will at some points be the bully and at others, the victim. Anyone who thinks she's "taught" her child never to be a bully is living in a fool's paradise. Bullying isn't a static state of existence; it's a constantly moving target for both the bully and the victim.

Bullying, particularly the sort practiced by adolescent girls, simply can't be fought on a case-by-case, child-by-child basis. You have to build an institutional culture founded on loshen tov (as opposed to the absence of loshen hora) and eliminate as many venues for bullying as possible. The fact that a teacher blithely overlooked persistent cruelty is a strong symptom that this school needs to do more than discipline a handful of girls or just tell everyone to be nice.