Rechnitz speech brought something ignored to the surface

amother

Beige

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 6:46 am

Im thinking of the Rechnitz speech day and night, with too many in the frum community's newly adopted Ani Maamins. such as I believe Im better than you.

Im thinking that if Rabbis/ Rebbes/Roshei Yeshiva would hammer in the Midos as much as they hammer in the Torah facts and Halacha, wed all be living more peaceful, less stressful lives, and as an extra bonus wed have less OTD kids turned off by hypochrisy.

Many frum people are negatively affected by the bad behavior of outwardly very Toradig people with huge focus on Chumros and "growing spiritually", often defined as taking on stronger Hashkafos, but living day to day with very poor Midos towards other frum people. This leads to all problems from Shalom Bayis issues to the OTD epidemic, we are all suffering from.

Im well aware that students in school are mussared about Midos, but sadly, I think focus on and discussion of Midos ends at school age. After that its Halacha and Halacha and again Halacha, important, but only as important as Midos.

Midos, and concern for others feelings, which you would think is common sense and decency, but somehow doesnt get stressed enough, has to be stressed by those on the very top, when they address adults.

Sadly, it shouldnt only be Rechnitz's topic of speech.

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 7:01 am

I agree that middos are not stressed enough at all. How many times have I seen people struggling to carry things or shlep up carriages and young men walk by quickly give a glance and walk away.

I once had a non Jewish person offer to help me after he saw two young frum people who are my neighbors pass me by. I was so mortified that he had to witness that.

Just the other day an older man fell in the snow. There were two boys around age fourteen right near him and neither one of them offered to help him up.

amother

Emerald

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 7:02 am

I think his speech was very well said and was needed to be said. About stressing midos in the boys schools I agree that its totaly lacking. My daughters come home with beautiful hashkafos from school but in my boys school the main stress is how much ground was covered in chumash/mishnyos/gemorah.... How much was memorised...nothing on hashkafa ....nothing on midos... nothing on
Hash ems love for yidden....

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 7:08 am

Chayalle wrote:

Honestly, I think middos begins at home. Schools can preach all day - and they do - about middos. If you don't discuss proper behavior with your children, and talk about middos, they will not pick it up at school.

It's parental responsibility - teach your kids mentchlichkeit. No one else will.

I one hundred percent agree with this. However, if the majority of time that they are awake is in school then yes the school needs to stress it as well.

And yes the girls schools do stress it but the boys do not.

amother

Emerald

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 7:10 am

**DONT LEAVE YOUR CHILD WHOLE EDUCATION UP TO THE SCHOOLS**

I definately dont. I would just love my sons to be in such an environment all day. Tey are in school most of their waking hours. Why cant the boy schools put in the love for yiddishkeit. Why is everything cold and text based. My daughters school seem to manage it. Its the whole essence of the school. Everything else is besides the point. Dont get me wrong the girls learn alot

naturalmom5

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 7:11 am

amother wrote:

I am over 50, struggling to get car out of driveway and shoveling. My next door neighbor,
" BH I'm still in collel". " my children go to shargas aryeh", too frum to say good shabbos to me, but still able to ask if mail man came. Sees I'm struggling but is totally oblivious

None of my neighbors offer to help all week
And this is the best block I lived on since I got married
My secular mother was right. Its all garbage

amother

Beige

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 7:12 am

OP here.

Yes Midos definitely have to be taught at home, but constant reminders from the top (Rabbis/Rebbes/Roshe Yeshiva) for the adult public to hear and be reminded, will show what THEIR priorities are and focus is. The Metzuyanim in Halacha/Bkiyus or the Metzuyanim in Midos?

Lets be reminded more often FROM THE TOP, at gatherings for adults, that Torah without Midos is meaningless.

amother

Emerald

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 7:18 am

naturalmom5 wrote:

Im so sorry . I agree its a vary big lack of awareness. My children shoveled out a non jewish old lady neighbor over the storm. Take comfort in knowing that not every one is oblivious

amother

Beige

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 7:21 am

naturalmom5 wrote:

Torah is good. More a problem of our weak leadership. Our leaders dont say what has to be said, possibly because they assume its common sense, or for fear of alienating Askonim and Gvirim, or it doesnt help them any or who knows...

Heyaaa

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 7:21 am

You send your kids to school to have an education. Ie learn math, science and Chumash. School is not a replacement for child rearing. It is on the PARENTS, not the school, to teach the kids about middos.

Besides, morals/middos are a sign of maturity. A person can be 6 years old and be mature in this aspect and a person can be 60 and be immature.

Why should the leaders be expected to teach about not having gaiva? I think most, if not all, are guilty of the same.

Heyaaa

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 7:26 am

naturalmom5 wrote:

Maybe they didn't think about it. No one realizes what you feel inside. A lot of times I'll see someone struggling and I never know if I should help them because there's always the risk that you'll offend them by showing that you noticed them in a state of weakness. Some people are very independent and want help and some people don't want help. Maybe next time you could try asking them and see what happens. If they refuse or do help but begrudgingly, then you have a case.

Heyaaa

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 7:40 am

amother wrote:

Lol if you think that's what their priorities are. No Rosh yeshiva would let their kid go out with your kid any sooner than they would eat a juicy hamburger. You see it's not kavod Torah!! Unless their kid has problems. But if your kid gets engaged to their kid, everyone will know that the kid with yichus has problems because why else would their parents consider such a boring family like yours.

Metzuyanim in middos don't count. It won't get you a good Shidduch.

As long as there's a mizrach vant (there is none where dh davens so don't worry I'm not bitter) they can pretend that it's all about kavod hatorah and not about their egos.

The frummer the community, the higher the stress is on conformity. The more structured the conformity, the more kavod for the leaders. If you think it doesn't get to their head....

amother

Beige

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 7:40 am

Another point brought up in the speech that bothers me greatly is parents telling the Hanhala "If you take that child, Im taking my child out". Parents who talk like that are despicable. BUT if the Hanhala falls into these traps, and allows snobs to pull strings and let this happen, theyre more despicable! Threatening like that would be useless if Hanhalas didnt cower and live in fear of the big shots.

We need shaking up about Midos from the top down.

amother

Cobalt

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 7:43 am

From my DH's point of view. he cannot do everything.
He was outside for over 8 hours on Sunday digging people out - 2 young widows with little children, he dug out their walkways and car. Then 2 elderly people he dug them walkways. at that point he was too exhausted to do their cars. He felt horrible. One of them eventually hired someone - it took them 4 hours. My DH just couldn't do it.
Another neighbor with husband who is unwell asked if my husband can come help. DH said yes and went, but I think at that point it was dangerous for him to still be digging. He isn't the most fit person. I wasn't sure at what point he should start saying no because these people couldn't do it alone.

My boys definitely helped people as much as they could. They helped an older neighbor dig out his car, and every time another elderly neighbor tried to go out I pushed my boys to go out with him, just so he shouldn't work so hard or be alone in the snow, even though they are too little to lift the heavy snow. My boys were also up at 6:00 am and when they saw him walking in the snow to shul got dressed and held his hand and walked him there.

I think you can definitely instill middos in your kids even if schools aren't doing it. For example I take my boys every shabbos to visit someone home bound. Every one has benefited from it, but especially my kids.

At work my DH pushed numerous non-jewish people when they got stuck, and it wasn't because they were in his way, just because it is the correct thing to do.

I think there are a lot of fine people out there with excellent middos, not just my DH and to paint them all with a broad brush is wrong.

At the end of the day most posters here are saying I have great middos but others don't (maybe specifically from a specific town). But at the end of the day I think most people have excellent middos, and there are a few individuals who do not.

amother

Beige

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 7:49 am

Heyaaa wrote:

Lol if you think that's what their priorities are. No Rosh yeshiva would let their kid go out with your kid any sooner than they would eat a juicy hamburger.

I couldnt care less who the Roshei Yeshiva are meshadech with. I can understand that they want to be meshadech with other Roshei Yeshiva. What matters is are they inspiring their followers in Ahavas Yisroel and reminding the ADULTS day to day, of the equal importance of Ahavas Yisroel to all the Torah they teach, and the worthlessness of Torah without Ahavas Yisroel?

amother

Cobalt

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 7:51 am

amother wrote:

My son is in a school in town where the owner probably has the most lashon hara spoken about him.

In my son's class there is a child whose living situation contains a relationship that is outright assur and public.

People have threatened the owner over and over again that they will pull their kids unless he kicks out the kids. The owner will not punish the kids for what is going on at home and they are all still in school. I don't think people are fully aware of what goes on behind the scenes.

(And as a parent of a classmate I have no problem, the boy is a nice boy, why should he be punished?)