I slapped my best friends son

imasinger

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 8:18 pm

When? In the moment he was spitting? Not threaten to hit him. 1) try to distract him (how old is he?), 2) ask him nicely to stop, 3) tell his mother you want this to stop right now, 4) tell friend that you need to leave, because you do not sit there and let someone spit at you, 5) leave (or, if it is your house, ask them to leave).

Now, after the fact? Apologize to friend, ask her how she plans on handling a situation like this in the future. Neither one of you behaved ideally. While you should never hit someone else's kid (and I am of the school that says don't hit your own kid either), neither should a mother allow her child to spit at someone. Eww.

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 8:25 pm

Maya wrote:

The only thing you can do is apologize and see how she wants to continue with you. Next time you're in a similar situation, just walk away before this happens again.

Slapping aside, why wasn't your friend stopping her son from spitting at you, if she was standing right there?

I don't know about OPs situation, but if her friend is anything like my friend, whose son is the same as OP described, then she probably laughed and said what should I do, I can't control him, he doesn't listen to me.
OP, I am still extremely close to my friend though we don't get together with the children anymore and haven't done so in years. I can't handle it.

debsey

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 10:26 pm

amother wrote:

I feel bad about it because he is not my child and that belongs to a parent. I warned him that if he didn't stop spitting at me I'd slap him and so he was obviously asking for it. My friend was right there. It didn't hurt him. She was obviously upset, but understood that I made a mistake. I still feel bad. Wwyd?

What was her expectation for how the situation would go? If you feel things got out of hand, apologize for that, and ask her for her guidance in the future. It sounds like it was one of those situations where everything happens so fast, you can't really think things through. I'm curious, though, what she is saying to you now that she and you have had a chance to cool down.

sv9506

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 10:55 pm

If your friend was right there, then what was she doing to stop her son from spitting at you? How old is this kid? I do not know if I would have slapped a kid in the same situation as you but I don't think that you were terribly in the wrong.

Sometimes when I go to the park on Shabbos in the summer, I see other Jewish frum kids acting horribly, with their parents right near them and seeing what they are doing but doing nothing to stop them. I have also heard them saying something to the effect that their kids won't listen anyway. Seriously! If your kids are not listening to you and you are not parenting them properly (including disciplining them) then how can you expect them to behave like a mentsch. It is disturbing.

moonbeam

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 11:27 pm

Rutabaga

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 11:33 pm

I can't believe how many of you are focusing on the spitting aspect of this story rather than the main point. No, spitting is not ok, but hitting a child is far worse.

It is not ok to hit a child in anger, no matter what the provocation. And OP certainly had no right to lay a finger on someone else's child. There were far better ways to handle the situation.

OP, you owe both the child and his mother an apology. The child should apologize for spitting, but you are an adult and should know better. Maybe for the near future you should only get together with your friend by yourselves without any children present.

cnc

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 11:40 pm

I would be fuming if anyone besides my husband or myself touched my child.
No one knows my children well enough to make the decision as to whether they deserve to be slapped.

The spitting is a separate issue that your friend needs to deal with. I can imagine one of my (young) children doing the same thing to adults. He/ she looks fine but has certain issues that make her /him act inappropriately and not developmentally age appropriate. Typical disciplining wouldn't work in this situation and a smack would just backfire tremendously and cause more damage.

I would have removed the child from the situation but as I said no one has the right to touch my kid.

pickle321

Thu, Feb 18 2016, 4:28 am

The spitting is so irrelevant here. This woman slapped someone else's child that is so wrong. It wasn't even a in the moment without thinking happened before you knew it situation, she threatened him before doing it meaning she planned do slap him if he didn't stop. There is no excuse for that.

(Obviously I think the mother should have done something to stop her child but I don't think that justifies this woman slapping the child in anyway and I would definitely end the friendship if someone slapped my child though I can't imagine any of my friends doing that. Honestly what is wrong with you that you would slap someone else's child??? You are an adult he is the child.

shevi82

Thu, Feb 18 2016, 5:38 am

[quote="eemachana"]Ok, I read this thread and then walked away because I seem to be in a minority here, but I just couldn't leave it alone.

I cannot believe that you slapped someone else's child. I don't care what they were doing to you, you're an adult, you should be able to control yourself. I get it was a frustrating situation, but there are other ways it could have been handled.

You should have left, you should have walked away. Or asked your friend to get her kid to stop spitting on you.

Speaking for myself, if someone ever, and I mean EVER hit my kid that would be the end of the friendship right there. I wouldn't feel comfortable around them any more.

Don't be so strong on the EVER there are some situations that life brings when things we thought would NEVER EVER do -happen.
I had a family over for a Friday night seudah, the 2 kids were so wild , pulling throwing things , spitting food. The five year old didn't want the soup so just spilled the bowl all over. They knocked a painting off the wall. Broke toys, ripped books, hit my kids....you get the picture. The parents just sat there saying "dovi..stop." or come here cutie" I did not slap them , but at one point when the 3 year old was kicking my 11 year old dd who was shocked and didn't know what to do I took his arm and led him away. And then his mother said "He doesn't mean it, he wants to be her friend....
I have a bunch of kids and many guests but never anything like this. Don't think it's the right thing to do but I could imagine someone giving a kid like this a slap.

notshanarishona

Thu, Feb 18 2016, 7:24 am

amother wrote:

You should have asked the friend to intervene.
You were both wrong - her wrong in letting him spit and not discipling and you wrong in slapping. I would send over an apology note to the son and show him that you realize you did something wrong.

The Happy Wife

Thu, Feb 18 2016, 8:09 am

I think we all agree that it's not ok to slap or hit someone else's child. Other people have offered good suggestions for how to handle something like this in the future.

For now, just apologize. And maybe try motto hang out with this friend when her kid is there.

I'm really concerned about this mother, though. The mother was right there? She saw her son spitting on you and did nothing, and did she also hear you threaten to slap him and still do nothing? Sounds like she could have stopped you but didn't.

pickle321

Thu, Feb 18 2016, 8:17 am

[quote="shevi82"]

eemachana wrote:

Ok, I read this thread and then walked away because I seem to be in a minority here, but I just couldn't leave it alone.

I cannot believe that you slapped someone else's child. I don't care what they were doing to you, you're an adult, you should be able to control yourself. I get it was a frustrating situation, but there are other ways it could have been handled.

You should have left, you should have walked away. Or asked your friend to get her kid to stop spitting on you.

Speaking for myself, if someone ever, and I mean EVER hit my kid that would be the end of the friendship right there. I wouldn't feel comfortable around them any more.

Don't be so strong on the EVER there are some situations that life brings when things we thought would NEVER EVER do -happen.
I had a family over for a Friday night seudah, the 2 kids were so wild , pulling throwing things , spitting food. The five year old didn't want the soup so just spilled the bowl all over. They knocked a painting off the wall. Broke toys, ripped books, hit my kids....you get the picture. The parents just sat there saying "dovi..stop." or come here cutie" I did not slap them , but at one point when the 3 year old was kicking my 11 year old dd who was shocked and didn't know what to do I took his arm and led him away. And then his mother said "He doesn't mean it, he wants to be her friend....
I have a bunch of kids and many guests but never anything like this. Don't think it's the right thing to do but I could imagine someone giving a kid like this a slap.

Leading a child away is so different than slapping him and the situation you described seems a lot worse than the one op was in. Slapping him was like stooping to his level and fighting back. I teach my kids not to slap just like I teach them not to spit, what is slapping them back teaching them?