My daughter's post: I had a miserable childhood

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 5:34 am

I can see my daughter posting this five years from now. It's been a scene I've been picturing for over ten years. Constantly trying to fix. I've gone for therapy, gone with my husband for therapy, have sent my (not so willing) daughter for therapy. Still the same patterns come up time and time again.
She's amazing! Fun, talented musically and artistically and is very giving. She is also super lazy, very messy and not so reliable.
She's been off from school for a while now and every day calls and texts me at work multiple times to give her jobs (that's the sweet and sincere part of her). She'll tell me that she needs a looooong list because she's bored and really wants to help. I'll send her one job (wipe down the cabinets). She'll then call and or text "that's all?!?! Give me more jobs!" I'll tell her sweetly (even though I'm in the middle of a meeting) "You're amazing! Thanks for all your help! Start with that and when your finished let me know!" (score 1 point for me for staying calm!) I come home hours later and get to work. She'll join me at some point asking for a job. I'll ask what she got up to. She'll tell me she did one cabinet but will finish the rest soon. But what else can she do. When I (calmly) tell her that when she's finished the cabinets we'll move on, she usually gets insulted "why do you talk to me like I'm a two year old? You treat me like I'm a baby?" Then go off in a huff!
She's upset with me now because I won't let her take over the cooking for you tov. (It's bad enough when she cooks regularly. I don't need water under my covered counters and piles of dirty bowls in the sinks now. )
There's always an excuse. "I was going to clean up but this little one asked me to out her to sleep..."
This happens with everything. Everything!
DD: "Can I get this dress?"
Me: "Your closet is very full!"
DD: "I know! But just this one dress and then I'm dine shopping for Tom tov!"
Me: "Done???"
DD: "yes!!!"
She buys the dress. Two days later it starts again.
DD: "Ma, my friend just got this stunning dress! It only costs _____ dollars! Can I get it"?
Me: "Didn't you tell me that after that last dress we are finished shopping?"
DD: "But it only costs ____ dollars and its struuuuning!"
Me: "Didn't you tell me that the last dress was the last dress for Tom tov?" (Another point for staying calm)
Than the texting and all calling begins. "Just one more??? Then nothing more! For real! I really really need it! It looks like I have tons of clothes but I decided to wear longer skirts now so I don't have that much that I can wear"(that might even be true - she happens to be growth oriented in those ways).
At that point I retreat to SMS (save my sanity). I try to avoid her. Will give vague answers (we'll talk about it later).
Then it gets ugly.
DD: "You treat me like a baby!"
Me: "I'm sorry you feel that way. You told me after the last dress that you were finished shopping. I want to be able to trust what you are saying."
DD: "What are you talking about?!?! Trust what I'm saying?!?! You never listen to me! You don't understand me!" Stamp away.
Yes. She has ADD. We have sent her for treatment. However, she doesn't believe she has ADD so treatment hasn't been that effective.
She's polite and good in school. (Though she does very little school work and barely passes.) She has friends because she is so much fun but her friends are constantly rotating because in a way it's hard to be friends with her. (The girls will get very close to her, pull back when it gets to be too much and then go back after some time because she is after all a blast to be with.)
Ok. This post is insanely long but had to get this all off my chest.
The above examples repeat themselves in dozens of forms every day.
She's doing me in and if I'm honest with myself I know that she's had a miserable childhood because we are almost always in a constant state of agitation.
To give into her means that my life turns to chaos. Physical, emotional, mental chaos.
To parent her means constant resentment.
I'm so sad.

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 5:49 am

I am the love and logic queen! My other children have benefited greatly from it! Completely and totally not effective with her! I even worked with a L&L mentor at one point to make sure I was doing the program properly. The mentor finally told me that this path might not be right for this child. And so we moved onward. But have not found anything effective yet.
I have tried so much!
I am sure people looking in from the outside wish their teen DDs were more like her!
Last year I didn't want to have the clothing power struggle. I gave her a nice amount of money to use as a clothing allowance for the season. I figured that way it's all in her hands. Once it was spent we had the same "discussions that turn into accusations/arguments causing me to retreat emotionally causing her to lash out and be very hurt" reaction.

amother

Aquamarine

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 5:58 am

Ok, some practical insight. People with ADHD get very overwhelmed by unscheduled/unstructured time. They also do much better when there is some form of time pressure involved. So your daughter is likely asking for what she needs to stay focused and motivated, by asking for a lot of jobs in advance. She is a lot happier knowing beforehand what her day will look like as well. This could be a very good learning opportunity to learn how to guage time and manage time as well. If you give her a long list and sit down with her and ask her to estimate the amount of time each is likely to take, sequence when the jobs should be done, and then allow her to work through them and will likely accomplish much more and the added volume of the work will provide the pressure needed to activate the motivation part of her brain. Have her work off a visual guide such a checklist or other way of mapping out the work.

When she is given only one job, it is easier to get distracted and off track because in her mind she's got the whole day to finish and that's when procrastination kicks in.

mummiedearest

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 6:04 am

she's asking for more jobs, give them to her. don't expect them to be done. if you give her a list of chores to do, she may wipe down a cabinet, line one shelf, sweep one floor, put in one load of laundry. it's still a help, though. the particulars of your conversation with her are exactly what you would say to a little kid, so that's a legitimate complaint on her part. her ability to follow through is an issue and will remain an issue, but giving her a longer list will make her feel better and will likely get more done, even if nothing gets completely done.

cooking: I suggest you let her do some. unless she is so much messier than you are, the end cleanup will need to be done anyway. might as well have her do some of the cooking. it sounds like she enjoys it, and it's important for teens to enjoy something they do well. this is especially true if they struggle in certain areas.

shopping for clothing: you'll just have to stand your ground on this one. I like the budget for the season idea. if she wants to buy more than your budget, allow her to get a job after school. this may give her some very useful skills. until she does that, though, continue with your budget idea and have a paper hanging in her room or a hallway with her purchases listed. when her money runs out, have her write on the paper that there is no more money for clothing until a certain date. when she begs for another dress, remind her to consult her paper. this will remind her how many items she has bought recently AND that she stated the money was used up. this will hopefully give her a bigger sense of responsibility, which is what she seems to be begging for.

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 6:42 am

Thank you mummidearest and everyone! These are good suggestions and helps with refocusing.

mummiedearest wrote:

cooking: I suggest you let her do some. unless she is so much messier than you are, the end cleanup will need to be done anyway. might as well have her do some of the cooking. it sounds like she enjoys it, and it's important for teens to enjoy something they do well. this is especially true if they struggle in certain areas.
.

You cannot imagine what the kitchen will look like after she's been in it. There will be batter under the taped countertops. Just organized for pesach cabinets that are topsy turvy. It's not just the pile of dirty dishes in the sink. And most of the food will be inedible. She will want to make things that appeal to her at that moment but that don't really make sense for what we need for yon tov. I can redirect her and show her my menu and ask her to knock something off that list. But there is a good chance she will leave an ingredient or step out ruining the dish.
I have tried writing out recipes for her very clearly. But then we go right into the "why are you treating me like a two year old" pattern.
I know I have to give a little and let things fly a bit in order to keep the peace but as much as its a challenge all year round this time of year it's much more challenging.

ValleyMom

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 7:02 am

Hmmm... First of all you are remarkable. You hold your tongue and are very patient. I am not sure I would have handled those situations as graciously.

I do have some suggestions...

In regard to cooking show her your master list of Yom Tov menus and have her pick a dish or two FROM THE MENU that she can cook while being "supervised. YOU act as assistant chef and that way you can clean as she begins to get messy. With her attention span I'm fairly certain she won't last more than 15 minutes at most and she will slink away while you finish. You can still announce at the yom to table that the delicious dish was made by <insert> She will receive the accolades she craves.

In regard to chores... create a master list of 50 or so sorted job you need done and tell her to check off any job that she completes.

I'm hoping as she goes through adolescence her attitude will shift as her hormones settle down. I'm far from being a doctor but I am a hopeful mommy!

mummiedearest

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 7:07 am

amother wrote:

Thank you mummidearest and everyone! These are good suggestions and helps with refocusing.

You cannot imagine what the kitchen will look like after she's been in it. There will be batter under the taped countertops. Just organized for pesach cabinets that are topsy turvy. It's not just the pile of dirty dishes in the sink. And most of the food will be inedible. She will want to make things that appeal to her at that moment but that don't really make sense for what we need for yon tov. I can redirect her and show her my menu and ask her to knock something off that list. But there is a good chance she will leave an ingredient or step out ruining the dish.
I have tried writing out recipes for her very clearly. But then we go right into the "why are you treating me like a two year old" pattern.
I know I have to give a little and let things fly a bit in order to keep the peace but as much as its a challenge all year round this time of year it's much more challenging.

she can boil eggs for seder, make salt water, charoset, prep veggies in a food processor. these are important things, not just busy work. emphasize that. consider having her invite a friend over to bake one or two cakes. having a friend there will hopefully focus her and prevent disastrous results. a friend keeping her on track will not leave her feeling like a little kid. peers are good for things like this. you may want to offer in incentive for the cleanup. have her take a picture of the kitchen before she starts cooking. tell her if she can produce two pesach cakes and return the kitchen to its original state with the help of her friend, you'll pay them something per cake.

thunderstorm

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 7:09 am

OP I think you are a great mother...you are trying so hard and doing your best. Your daughter sounds like a good "shidduch" for my son Very Happy

. He just told me the same thing today. Make sure to give me a lot of jobs cuz otherwise I'll be bored. But he also starts and never completes his job...he lacks motivation. And only completes the things he likes to do. I've noticed though that incentives work with him.
Sunday he kvetched and kvetched but cleaned and lined my entire fridge.He stopped multiple times in the middle. Went to play music. Went to read a chapter in a book but eventually completed it . Because my DH told him that the only way he would be able to help him deliver Tomche Shabbos was if he finished the fridge. And surprisingly he finished! I was so proud of him I told him I need to take a picture of him next to the beautiful fridge, and I took that picture so he'll remember how much of a help he was.
I dread for him to do certain tasks because I know that he'll make a huge mess, but I've learned to "let go" a little and though he'll make the mess and leave me with double the work in the long run, I think it's worth it for him to see that he can help and do things.
Some people say that he may have ADHD,but many disagree...I never evaluated him, but we were considering it. Teenagers are altogether difficult, but I think you are doing the best that you can and you should not beat yourself up for it. Every mother tries hard and many children resent their parents (including me) but you have to know that YOU are doing YOUR best and you should not worry about how your child will react in the future unless you truly didnt care about her or neglected her etc..

FranticFrummie

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 8:44 am

Your title grabbed my attention.

I just want to say that EVERY child has a "miserable childhood" in one way or another. Growing up is hard work! You're constantly frustrated by one thing or another, no matter what your challenges are. I don't know a single person who can say that their childhood was 100% bliss every single moment.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent, and no such thing as a child who doesn't struggle on the road to adulthood. Do you really think that no child has ever thrown a tantrum, ever? Or a teen who always felt perfectly secure in their changing body? Give yourself a break!

It sounds to me like you're doing an amazing job. Your daughter is going through a very rough patch right now, so hang in there and keep up the good work.

Stay strong in your boundaries, while staying positive in your attitude. Try to overlook her mess ups, and quietly go behind her and fix things when she's not looking. If she thinks she can't do anything right, she'll quit trying, and that's the last thing either of you want.

Don't be afraid to say "no" to new purchases. Empathize with her, and say "Yes, it would be lovely to have a closet full of gorgeous clothes. There's a lot of things I would like to have too, but it's not in our budget this year." Stand firm!