Disturbing Guest | Imamother

MMEC123

Fri, Aug 10 2007, 1:06 pm

We have an older single man who often joins us for shabbos meals. He is a very picky eater (and always tells me what he likes/what I should've made/what he won't eat) and I am always very accomodating even when he is rude about it. Lately his conversation topics have gotten more and more inappropriate. He is old enough to be mine & DH's parent yet discusses private, intimate and other inappropriate things at the table. It makes me very uncomfortable.

On the one hand he's a real nebach and doesn't cook so he always eats out, on the other hand how much of his behavior do I put up with? If my baby was older and understood the conversation I FOR SURE would NOT have him but now- is it rude to just stop agreeing to have him (he invites himself over all the time, btw)?

TammyTammy

Fri, Aug 10 2007, 1:10 pm

It's your home and you (and your husband) set the rules.

The next time he brings up inappropriate subject matter, ask him to please not bring it up again. If he's rude to you, then you (or your husband) should politely object.

If he continues in his behavior, then don't invite him back. The fact that he is a nebach does not give him a right to make you uncomfortable in your own home.

Tammy

TammyTammy

Fri, Aug 10 2007, 1:11 pm

One more point that I missed before...

The fact that he invites himself all the time shows that he has come to take it for granted that he is welcome in your home. Show him that this is not the case. You have to reassert that you (and your husband) are the owners of the home.

In short, he'll continue to take advantage of you as long as you allow him to.

Tammy

chen

Fri, Aug 10 2007, 1:41 pm

TammyTammy wrote:

Ditto to that, and if he asks you why you don't invite him any more, tell him exactly why.

SingALong

Sat, Aug 11 2007, 11:23 pm

my neighbor has the same situation, has a single older guy over all the time and he says inappropriate things at the table. she never complained to me but I once ate there when he was there too and since then I just avoid her house when he's around. she and her hubby are so nice to him, have him every shabbos. he has nowhere else to go.
anyways, I once asked her what she does when he says certain things in fornt of ther kids and she said that her and her hubby told him that certain topics aren't to be discussed when the kids can hear, very matter of fact. maybe ur hubby can gently change the subject/ redirect conversation when that happens.
if he doesn't get the hint, then I would use a more direct approach...
good luck!

happymom

Sun, Aug 12 2007, 1:51 pm

if I were u I would have him ONCE ina WHILE but NOT all the time. only when u are abkle to handle him. also, theres nothing wrong with telling him u dont appreciate that kind of talk at your shabbos table.

Cinderella

Sun, Aug 12 2007, 4:02 pm

I would say to nip in the bud, nicely ofcourse! And if it doesn't help or change to either drastically cut down on his invitations or not inivite him over all together. NO ONE has a right to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home Twisted Evil

mummiedearest

Sun, Aug 12 2007, 10:48 pm

set him up with an equally disturbing woman-- then hope they don't want to eat at the shadchan's all the time!

actually, I would tell him that if he doesn't shape up he can ship out. this behavior is in no way acceptable, and if he has a place to live, he has a place to be for shabbos. it is not your responsibility to make his shabbos beautiful if he ruins yours. he is an adult and can take care of himself. if he doesn't cook he can take out. by allowing him to do this, you;re allowing him to remain a nebach.

greenfire

Sun, Aug 12 2007, 11:11 pm

although you are absolutely correct as a host ... I am disturbed at the thought that you are inviting this "poor nebechal" over ... cause why ... you feel what - bad or something ... the worst thing anyone wants to feel is that somebody invites them over - yet doesn't really want them there ...

to have guests over it is important to actually enjoy having guests cause it defeats the whole hachnosas orchim idea - no matter how difficult their life seems to you ... all the moreso they probably need it more than just any friend ...

mumoo

Mon, Aug 13 2007, 12:27 am

msycms wrote:

she and her hubby are so nice to him, have him every shabbos. he has nowhere else to go.

because no one else wants their Shabbos spoiled. Do him a real chesed and tell him straight out. Maybe if he gets the message he'll get more invitations

GAMZu

Mon, Aug 13 2007, 12:40 am

If he's tactless enough to bring up these subjects, you don't have to feel uncomfortable telling him straight out what you think- since he won't realize if what you are saying is appropriate or not.

EXAMPLE- if you say, "Please, I don't like where this conversation is going. So, how was your week?"
It's a bit tactless to say that straight out to a guest, but he won't realize that.