Uninvited Passengers

amother

Maroon

Sun, Jun 05 2016, 1:44 pm

I'm in a true dilemma. We have plans to travel an eight hour drive to be with family for shevuous. My nephew heard of this and he wants to join us in the car with his wife so that he does not need to pay for transportation. He doesn't own a car. He is going to his parents. We told him we might sleep over somewhere and he still thinks it's cheaper or more convenient to join us. My whole trip is going upside down not as I planned which I already came to terms with. Now this.
I am obviously more comfortable without him and his wife but I do not know if it is ok for me to make him spend money he doesn't have so that I can be more comfortable .
Thoughts?

amother

Pewter

Sun, Jun 05 2016, 1:47 pm

Would it be nice if you offered him a ride? Absolutely. Is it a must? Absolutely not. If it doesn't work for you that's all that matters. His finances are his business.

farina

Sun, Jun 05 2016, 1:59 pm

My husband works out if town and when we travel somewhere even if it's a wedding an hour and a half away I cherish the time we have together in the car and dint want passengers. I just tell relatives who ask for rides that it won't work or were stopping in way for errands. I heard from a choshuve women she says I'm going w my husband and there is no room for others. Your family time comes first. I hear your delimma bc now a big expense is involved for your nephew. Hatzlocha

HonesttoGod

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 8:20 am

This is a tough one.
The thing is like others said above, I usually like to travel alone with my dh. Even if it means taking additional cars to others headed in the same direction, its my car, I get to sit up front and spend quality quiet time with my dh.
Can you tell him you are making a mini vacation out of it and will be stopping in various places along the way for trips and overnight?

mummiedearest

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 8:40 am

he already planned to go to his parents before hearing you were traveling that way, correct? that means he planned to spend money to get there. you are not obligated to save that money for him. if having them makes you uncomfortable (totally understandable), just say no.

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 9:18 am

I have a similar problem
My mother asked if I could take my younger sister (17 ) with us for yt ( 4 hour journey )
She was planning on going anyways and now that were going she wants to come with us
I was really looking forward to having private time with my husband and now with my sister that won't be possible
Can I say that she can't come with?

cnc

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 9:24 am

amother wrote:

Does she have an alternative way to get there and she just wants to come with you for the company?

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 9:26 am

Yes she was booked in to go a different way and my parents even offered to pay for the journey because she wants to come with us

cnc

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 9:29 am

amother wrote:

Yes she was booked in to go a different way and my parents even offered to pay for the journey because she wants to come with us

Can you tell your mother that you prefer to spend private time with your husband. It's not like your leaving her stranded...

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 9:31 am

I wish but she doesn't understand such things and will be mad at me
(If she would understand she wouldn't have asked me in the first place if she can come with us )

Blessing1

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 9:39 am

I wouldn't take extra passengers on long journeys because I like the private time with DH & want to be able to make myself comfortable in my car without having to worry about what the others think.
It's all right to say no.

doctorima

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 9:44 am

Can you say that something came up recently that you need to discuss with DH and you're counting on using the car ride to discuss this important topic (AKA Shalom Bayis Smile

privately?

Rachel Shira

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 9:50 am

I also say no to people on longer car trips. Someone asked for our 8 hour Shavuos drive too but I didn't feel bad saying no - we wouldn't be able to talk, I wouldn't be able to sing, and even if they paid for it, some things aren't worth the money. Our quality time is worth more than that to me.
If you don't mind, it's obviously a very nice thing to do. But don't feel obligated especially if they have another way to get there.

mummiedearest

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 9:51 am

amother wrote:

I wish but she doesn't understand such things and will be mad at me
(If she would understand she wouldn't have asked me in the first place if she can come with us )

she doesn't have to understand. just say no.

5mom

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 9:59 am

As much as I understand the need for privacy, I think this is a case where we ought to make an effort. Giving a ride is a modern version of hachnassas orchim. We are taking in someone who would otherwise be alone on a journey. (And if it helps to think this way, carpooling saves gas.)

Now, I do think that people should think twice or even three times before imposing. But if someone would have to deal with major inconvenience and asks for a lift, giving a ride is a chessed.

This does not apply to moochers who consistently refuse to get their acts together. But otherwise, it's so nice to have a mitzvah opportunity dropped in your lap. Why pass on a chance to do good?

mummiedearest

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 10:00 am

5mom wrote:

because sometimes you have to do something good for your marriage instead of something good for someone who could do this one his/her own.

sped

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 10:01 am

Many people say no based on this reason. I have been told no like this many times and completely understood. They say things like, "I am sorry. This is private time with my dh. We don't take passengers as a policy."

tichellady

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 10:06 am

I would probably take a sibling but not anyone else. I think it's important not to make siblings feel isolated from you once you get married. Obviously if I really felt we needed alone time I would say no to a sibling but only if I felt it was really really important.