S/o uninvited guests; setting boundaries with relatives resp

amother

Brunette

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 3:47 pm

The thread "uninvited guests" made me think of this issue that we're having now.
We are planning a long awaited family trip to California this summer. My widowed MIL has often expressed that she would very much like to visit California and she has mentioned that if we go, she'll also go.
My concern is that once we inform her about our confirmed plans, she can simply decide to join us. We generally get along well, but the thought of being together for an extended period of time makes me very uncomfortable....
I am too chicken to tell her that she's not wanted because I really don't want to hurt her and because I don't think she'll understand what my problem is. My MIL is a unique type and is not concerned about social norms.
Any advice is really appreciated.

mummiedearest

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 5:23 pm

what are the details of the trip? if she says she's coming with you, does that mean she intends to rent a house with you/go sightseeing with you daily/eat all meals with you/travel to and from with you? or does it mean that you will take a flight together, stay in the same hotel, do some sightseeing together but not all, and take a few meals together?

since she made her interest clear well before you planned your trip, you have two options:

1) tell her that you two are going without her. if the following are feasible and you feel ok doing these, you can let her know that you will plan a trip together with her next time OR that you will sponsor a trip for her alone. if neither of these are doable, don't say anything of the sort. let her know that this trip is for just the two of you (call it a honeymoon or second honeymoon so that it's clearly a couple trip).

2) go with her. arrange for separate lodgings (stay in the same hotel if you trust her not to come knocking constantly. separate hotels if you feel more comfy that way). have an itinerary ready including outings for all three of you AND separate outings. make sure transportation is available for her so that you don't have to be in charge of her trip completely. you might enjoy this kind of trip as long as it's not constant togetherness.

amother

Brunette

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 5:58 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

Thanks for your insight. To clarify, I assume she plans to stay with us in a rented apartment and tour and eat with us because she doesn't know anyone in California
Also, she knows that it's not a honeymoon because we're taking the kids.
Separate lodging would help somewhat, but not much since we would be all she has while we're there together. So I assume that means we would eat and tour together....

mummiedearest

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 6:05 pm

amother wrote:

ok, you can assume, but you can also just arrange things differently. you're taking kids with you, and that makes a difference. here's what I suggest: rent a house, not an apartment. more space is key. have her spend the vacation with you in the house and ask her to babysit so you and dh can go out at night. arrange for her to go to a couple of locations without you. if you truly get along well, a vacation with her along shouldn't be a huge deal as long as you make sure to create some space. you can arrange for her to end the trip earlier than you if you can't handle the full vacation with her.

if you get along well and will be able to go on other family vacations without her in the future, it's worth trying once.

amother

Brunette

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 6:22 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

Details really do make a difference, so I'll add some to make things clearer. Firstly, renting a house is really expensive over there so that's not an option. The only reason I was thinking of a small apartment is because it's cheaper than 2 hotel rooms. MIL will have no problem at all sleeping in the same room as the kids.
Secondly, my kids are old enough not to need a babysitter do I can't use that idea (it's a good one though)
Most of all, I need my space and privacy badly. I wouldn't mind spending a day or 2 with my MIL or any other relatives for that matter, but more time that that makes me feel choked. And that's just the thought of it.

amother

Brunette

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 7:08 pm

tichellady wrote:

What does your husband think? If one day you were in your mil's shoes what would you want from your dil? Not asking that in a judge mental way- this is something I think about all the time with my own mil- not sure I always have the answer.

My husband agrees with me completely... Thank goodness! Otherwise I'd be feeling doubly frustrated. As much as he would love to please his mom, he also feels that this is just too much.
As far as what I would want from my DIL, I can only hope and pray that my husband and I grow old together and that we are physically, mentally and emotionally healthy enough not to have to be dependent on our kids or make difficult demands. That's my prayer.... One of them.

farina

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 8:21 pm

I totally hear your dilemma. We rent a condo in New Hampshire every year and one year my in laws wanted to join us and stay w us and even tho weget along just fine it changes the whole dynamics of family time when they're there. We did not know how we can even say no. At the end they decided nit to come so it worked our for us. Hioe things work out for u too

farina

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 8:22 pm

rowo

Tue, Jun 07 2016, 4:12 am

Raisin wrote:

can you invite her to join you for part of the time?

I was thinking the same thing.
Depending on how long you are going for, can you ask her to come for a few days or a long weekend.
I feel like it also gives you a bit more control of the situation. 'We are planning to spend the summer in California, we know how much you would love to go there, would you like to join us for a weekend. We were thinking XXX or ZZZ, what is good for you?'
Rather than 'we are going to California for the summer'
'Oh lovely, I'll think I'll come too!' - which it sounds like she is liable to say and puts you in an awkward position

amother

Gold

Tue, Jun 07 2016, 5:04 am

If she is interested in going to California maybe find some kind of program or retreat she can go to by herself. The JLI National Jewish Retreat is hosting their event in Palm Springs, California this summer. Maybe she can join or join a similar event where she can socialize and meet other people and also enjoy a nice vacation.

If you'll be in California then also. (Say in LA or a different part) Maybe she can join you for two days after her program.

Good luck!

amother

Brunette

Tue, Jun 07 2016, 9:10 am

farina wrote:

Glad things worked out for you without being put in an uncomfortable position and thanks for the sympathy

amother

Brunette

Tue, Jun 07 2016, 9:15 am

Sadie wrote:

If you decide not to include her, your husband should be the one to tell her. You shouldn't have to say anything. And he should make it clear that he's expressing his own feelings. He can't put the blame on you.

He doesn't either feel comfortable saying no to his mother... that's why we're stuck. We have to come up with a plan of how to send the message indirectly.

amother

Brunette

Tue, Jun 07 2016, 9:21 am

sunnybrook wrote:

How about finding another older woman to share her itinerary, apart from you?

That would be very nice, but unlikely. What are the chances of finding another woman with whom my MIL is friendly, who is willing and able to go exactly where and when we are, and is willing to be alone for some of the time (while my MIL is with us) ... I can't see that working out.