S/o How do we know?

amother

Wheat

Wed, Aug 03 2016, 7:55 am

As a s/o to the abuse thread.

I'm assuming most of the kids that were abused never spoke about the abuse or shared what was happening with their parents.

My children are in a Satmar cheder and BH I have never heard of any abuse nor have my kids ever come hope with complaints. All the threads about systemic abuse in chadarim have me on constant alert and I keep waiting for the horrors to be uncovered, so to speak, but it all seems okay. There was one English teacher that hit and he was soon fired.

Can it be that there is abuse going on without ANY signs? Is it possible for children who have an open relationship with their parents to hide it all?

amother

Pearl

Wed, Aug 03 2016, 8:27 am

amother wrote:

Fortunately the bar is very high in the frum world. When we say there is an abuse problen and often a coverup it does not mean that its so prevalent that we can expect it to happen in our yeshivos that we send our children to. There must be thousands of rebbeim in all yeshivos combined and I doubt its more then a handful of bad ones that would resort to these terrible things. Thankfully the problem isn't anywhere near the point where we can ask, if the problem is so bad, why don't I see it in my sons yeshiva.

amother

Orange

Wed, Aug 03 2016, 8:40 am

Normal molestation usually has symptoms. It is not necessarily accidents and nightmares--it might just be more aggression or suddenly not wanting to go to school, or even saying that they think their teacher is weird. Often children give "hints" to see how you respond before opening up further. If you shut them down at the hint stage, they learn to keep quiet. If you notice and show compassion and probe for understanding, they feel comfortable to open up.

The problem is when the abuse is "systematic" "daily" "sadistic," etc. This causes complex trauma (as opposed to simple trauma, as molestation would be). Children use dissociation as a coping mechanism in order to "cut off" from the unbearable, hopeless situation. In short, dissociation means when a person's mind subconsciously decides that what is happening to them is not happening to them, but rather to some other "part" of their brain. When they are not in that "part," they cannot feel or remember the pain of the trauma, and they will therefore present NO symptoms. The more severe and constant the abuse, the stronger the dissociation becomes. Parents might only find out about the abuse when they see actual scars or the child sleep talks or other un-intentional hints.

The good news is that therapy is very promising for children who get good help from a young age (I forget the statistic, but I think under 4 year olds have 95% recovery rate and under 9 year olds have 80).

Your job is to educate your children, keep your eyes WIDE open, regularly have your finger on the pulse of your children's emotional nuances, and daven for safety. No, you can never be 100% sure this won't happen to your children, even if you do all of those things. Ultimately, Hashem will not allow something to happen to a child "by mistake." You do your hishtadlus and accept that you are a humble, small person in the scheme of Hashem's plan for history.

Maya

Wed, Aug 03 2016, 8:48 am

amother wrote:

.

Can it be that there is abuse going on without ANY signs? Is it possible for children who have an open relationship with their parents to hide it all?

Yes, it is possible.

A friend of mine who considers herself an excellent mother who has very open relationships with her children and was sure they tell her everything, found out her child was being bullied on the bus for MONTHS before he told her anything about it.
I've heard more similar stories.

Also, another component to consider is whether they are witnessing other children being physically or emotionally attacked.