Help! Need to get 10 yr olds out of my bed!

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Post  Tue, Dec 27 2016, 12:22 pm
I have twin girls that are turning 10 shortly, and they got into the habit of coming into mine or my husband's beds at night. They say they are scared, or had a nightmare, but I can't imagine that it happens every night....I think they are just used to it by now, but I really can't sleep. I do have a large bed, but when they both come, I end up leaving, and then one of them usually ends up following me...Then I have a 4 yr old that also asks me sometimes to come to her bed...

I am at my wits end. I am ready to lock the door on them, but they are scared. Can you please share your experiences on how you have dealt with this? I have tried in the past, and it seems that they stop coming to my bed, but instead ask me to come lay down with them when they are "scared", so I end up not sleeping well in any case....

Thanks in advance! Smile
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Post  Tue, Dec 27 2016, 12:43 pm
Charts with some kind of trip/special treat at the end? Or some kind of point system?
If they do come to you, at least walk them back to their beds and make them go back to sleep there. If you won't sleep well either way, better to spend them retraining them to go back to sleep in their beds. (Don't actually sleep with them though or they'll get used to that!)
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Post  Tue, Dec 27 2016, 12:56 pm
I have done charts and they go right back as soon as the chart is over....Can you give me some ideas on how to respond if they say they are scared? Or consequences to give if they do come to my bed (sometimes I wake up and find them there)?
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Post  Tue, Dec 27 2016, 12:58 pm
I have a number lock on my master bedroom door. Only very young kids that are sick come to my bed. If they are scared they should say shema it's a segula to not have nightmares. Put down your foot and don't allow this. It's not healthy what your doing. Not judging you, just saying it's not good for them they need to have a measure if boundaries at this point and learn to self sooth already. Give them a night light so they can see more in the dark.

Has there been a trauma recently? How long is this going on?

They might protest in the beginning don't give in. Saying very gently that everyone stays in their own bed. They can have a night light. They can say a Perez of tehillim if that helps them and let them grow up. This should work. If things are in the normal range if there are more issues then....
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Post  Tue, Dec 27 2016, 12:59 pm
I would lock the door. If they are scared they can knock on the door and you can go to their room for a few minutes. At this age..... They don't belong on your bed anymore. Mama needs her sleep!
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Post  Tue, Dec 27 2016, 1:00 pm
Please teach them privacy. Lock your door at night.
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Post  Tue, Dec 27 2016, 1:30 pm
I have an 8 year old that shows up nearly every night. It's so ridiculous. She's not even claiming nightmares or any particular fears. She just wants to be with us. If we move her back to her room once she falls asleep she just shows up again later. We tried locking our door but she just sat in the hallways crying until we opened up and ended up waking up the other kids. We set up a reward system that she got something special if she went a whole week without coming in. Worked for 3 weeks. We figured we broke the habit. As soon as no reward was on the table she's back again. Hoping she just grows out of it.
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Post  Tue, Dec 27 2016, 1:58 pm
When my ten yr old wakes up and is afraid, I offer her a funny book and turn on her lamp.
On some occasions I go into her room toll she falls back asleep.
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Post  Tue, Dec 27 2016, 2:09 pm
On the very rare occasion that I ever had a nightmare or something as a child, my mom would let me sleep on the floor next to her bed, but NEVER in her bed.
As others have said, I would institute some sort of "star chart" and at the end of a few weeks of the child breaking the behavior, give a reward.
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Post  Tue, Dec 27 2016, 2:12 pm
A few ideas:

1. Practice and insist on everyone knocking and waiting for your permission before they come into your room. Every time. Day and night, whenever the door is closed. If they forget, make them go back, knock, and wait.

2. At almost 10, they should be old enough to brainstorm some strategies for dealing with night fears. Here are some thoughts for them to consider. Will a noise machine help? Buying a special new stuffed animal or blanket that they choose, that you can call out "hold your new thing", and then let them learn how to self soothe? A night light? A comforting book? Learning some relaxation exercises? Having a parent sit in a chair outside their door for a short time?

3. How do they fall asleep? Do you lie down with them? How good are they at falling asleep independently? Does the lighting or noise level change from bedtime to midnight waking?

4. It takes 3 months to build a habit. The prize chart should extend that long, with the challenge growing. Small prize for one week, larger prize for the following 2 weeks, etc. Consider a special "graduation" celebration at the end of 3 successful months, so as to impress on them that this is the new norm.

5. If there is backsliding after this, escort them firmly back to bed, remind them that they can do this, and lock your door without concern.
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Post  Tue, Dec 27 2016, 5:50 pm
Oh my, BTDT! My DD has a lot of anxiety, and was in my bed until she was 12. Constantly trying to get her out of my bed was causing us both a lot of meltdowns and misery, so I just gave up the battle and let her grow out of it.

When she finally got her own laptop, she started using it in her room because she wanted to play music. She started associating her room with a fun place to be, a place she could chill out in, and next thing I knew, she started sleeping there all on her own.

Now, when she wakes up and is scared, she can go on her computer and watch videos of something cute, like kittens playing with string. She's gotten so much better at self soothing, but it was a LONG time coming.

I wish I had something more helpful to say, but for us, time was the ONLY cure.
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Post  Tue, Jan 03 2017, 1:40 am
Do you have space to put a mattress on the floor in your room. When they come they lie down their. Two can even share a mattress, head to toe.
That's my solution - unless it's privacy you're looking for. Then this solution doesn't help. but if it's just that it's uncomfortable in your bed with them, it works.
Eventually they'll grow out of it.
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Post  Tue, Jan 03 2017, 6:57 am
I've let kids sleep on the floor in our room when they were really young, or on the floor in the hallway outside our bedroom door (we have carpet) when they are older. DS6 often sleeps in the hallway, I find it particularly convenient when he is being noisy in his room and disturbing the others. Eventually they get old enough to prefer their own beds over the hallway.
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