Am I a bad mom? | Imamother

Nikki

Fri, Sep 21 2007, 2:57 pm

When I sent my daughter out at two it was the best thing I did. Her two teachers were amazing. I would come to pick her up and she was sitting on their lap while the teacher was reading. They did projects with glue and giltter. I would bring her late and she the teacher with each kid helping them use glitter, the kids love it. It is not a whole day, it is three and a half hours. What is wrong if the kid needs it? I think that you have to research and send your child to a warm, caring and responsible place.
You are the mother and you have to do what you think is best for your child.

greenfire

Fri, Sep 21 2007, 4:41 pm

I tried it with my first 2 kids ... thought it was right ... they really needed home ... so I stopped (they followed morah and cried all day - a sign of no thanks)

if you feel he needs social interaction I understand ... however it can be more beneficial to find dif activities as someone above said - library story time ... mommy & me exercise classes ... go to the neighbor and have neighbor come to you ... this way he gets it all ...

the thing I personally would be most concerned about is the long day ... everyday ... for such a young kid ...

good luck with your decision ...

suomynona

Sat, Sep 22 2007, 3:38 pm

You have to know your kid.
My son is almost 2 and playgroup is the best thing for him. He loves it. At home he gets bored very fast.
It happens to be that I work, but I don't think he would like being home if I didn't. I could take him to the park but I can't spend 5 hours a day there. And I don't know too many people around here, so daily playdates isn't really an option. Anyway playgroup is more exciting than a play date with one other child.

Tamiri

Sat, Sep 22 2007, 4:03 pm

It's hard for first time parents to know what the kid really NEEDS. How can anyone say that such a pitzkel NEEDS socialization, if he's never been exposed to it? He may need to be more occupied, more stimulated which mom can or cannot do, depending on mom. A child of 21 months needs his mother (or other primary caretaker) the most: to read his needs, tell him what is right and what is wrong etc. He won't get that in a large group of tiny tots thrown together for SIX hours/day. This is preschool, not playgroup. And what about nap-time. Doesn't he still nap at home during the day?
As a long time mom I would say: check into something with few hours maybe 2-3 times a week and try to get busy with him the other days when there is nothing going on. You are fortunate to be in the position of being home and available.
I understand there are moms who work for whom there is no choice to leave the kid as many hours as possible, yet this mom is at home. You need to LEARN how to mother, maybe by getting together with other moms who are at home, including veterans. The time of toddlerhood passes by so quickly and it's such a special time. Why should he be away from you during this time of immense growth and learning and developing?
I have a son who will be 3 in Dec. whom I opted not to send to preschool for the reason that there is only a 6 day week 8-1pm option, with 35 other kids in the class and just 2 caretakers. This is the Israeli way. I am not mainstream in my decision, there are very few kids who get the privilege of staying home past the age of 1, usually younger. I do take him to a real playgroup (moms rotating) a few mornings a week, whatever works out, and he's fine. He is VERY busy around the house but that is what a budding mind does: finds things to do, B'H.

Maya

Sun, Sep 23 2007, 12:25 am

amother wrote:

Quote:

Anyway playgroup is more exciting than a play date with one other child.

I disagree. I think being with other kids WITH THE PARENT at that age is way better then play group. I think if some mothers would go sit in a playgrouop for 18 - 20 month olds, they would rethink sending thier kids! Exclamation

Do you have experience with that kind of thing? I would love to hear what's going on in a place like that. Maybe I WILL rethink after you educate me.

Tamiri

Sun, Sep 23 2007, 12:46 am

Please, OP, go and see a few hours of "playgroup" where there are more than 3-4 babies being tended by someone earning MINIMUM wage, in most cases. You may love it, you may feel the opposite. There is nothing taught there that they won't pick up 1-2-3 at the age of 3 or 4 or 5.
A baby of 21 months does not need mass socialization. If you send him to a place where there are many kids like himself, he may "enjoy" it while he is there but the overstimulation may come out elsewhere. 21 months is a baby. It's hard to believe that, but it's true. Boys are babies until around 1st or 2nd grade, in my opinion. Which is not to say you keep them home until they are 7, but to give you a perspective. When you have your first you don't realize it what a baby he really is.
When he kvetches to go to the neighbors, it could be he likes the kids there and it could be he likes their games/sofa/dog/bird. Who knows. Going to the neighbor is a far cry from being in preschool 5 days a week for 6 whole hours.
I wish I could tell you about all the mothers here who "must" put their kids in group care at an early age and then see some of the results. We have a bunch of guilt-ridden moms walking around. Since you have the choice, please be very diligent in making your decision. Read some serious books (I suggest John Rosemond) about child raising. Few, if any, will suggest putting a kid in a mass social environment.
Good luck

Nikki

Sun, Sep 23 2007, 1:01 am

Before I had kids I always said that I never would send them out until four, that's what my mother did. When I had my second I sent my first out and it was the best decision. My daughter was the same way. If I took her outside to play with the neighbors she would never want to come in and I would have to take her crying. Sometimes I had to go in for nursing and I wasn't going to leave a two year old out alone. Once I sent her to playgroup she was a different child. She would let me take her out and come in normally and she was so happy. I knew one of the teachers form before and the first few days after I dropped her off I would watch from the window for fifteen minutes. She loved it. The playgroup was also doing me a favor, they didn't want more kids so if she wasn't good they would have kicked her out.

Not all playgroups are bad. Do your research. Also if you feel the hours are too long you can pick your child up early. And yes, some children do need the stimulation. My daughter is definitely more active and more social than other kids. My SIL did not send her child out until 3 1/2 but her kid would sit in the corner with a book for hours my daughter was not like that. You have to know your child. My daughter would cry for school on Sunday.

Also, why is it better for your child to be with you all the time while you are doing your errands? Is it good for a child in the winter to be shlepped around while you do your grocery shopping? If a mother is going to stay home all day and teach the child I hear, but to shlep a kid in the winter on your errands is not good for the child either.

Tamiri

Sun, Sep 23 2007, 1:14 am

If you live in a nice area there is the library (story hour), zoo, park, science center/museum/indoor park etc. to do with the child so that he is "stimulated". Honestly though, that is pop psychology. A normal child does not need forced stimulation, a curious inquisitive mind will produce it's own. Research is now trying to figure out whether some of the hyperactiveness and LD that are afflicting so many kids can be a result of over-stimulation at a very young age, not allowing the immature mind to develop at it's own pace.
Plenty of kids with "thrive" in a mass social environment, until you figure out that they are acting out at home because of this. Or maybe clingy, or sick a lot.
Be careful with your decision. You are not a bad mother ever. Just do your homework and don't be influence by the constraints (working mom) of others. You are lucky to have options.

gryp

Sun, Sep 23 2007, 8:35 am

momtomor wrote:

I would like to send my son to playgroup after Succos, when he'll be about 21 months. I am doing it because he is bored out of his mind, and desperately cries for company all day long. My husband and I think that this is the right thing to do now.

Since I am not working and do not have another child, I am being bashed by friends and family for doing it. But I really have only the baby's interest in mind, not myself.

I will probably still send him anyway, I am just wondering if anyone also thinks that it's a bad thing.

Depends how you see things.
Personally, I think that when a baby/young toddler has his mother there all day every day to feed him breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks, and when she's there to put him for naps in his own crib, when he is surrounded long-term with his familiar environment, it provides a sense of security like no other.
Secondly, learning to trust a new adult to take care of you at a young age can be tough on a child. Plus learning to deal with a roomful of peers.
Thirdly, I like to keep my kids home until they have a firm impression planted in them of the way we behave and act. I don't want them learning bad habits from other kids, nor do I want someone else impressioning my children at such a young age when I'm not around.
Fourthly, I think that kids are in school long enough. There are just so many years of school ahead of him.

May I ask, why is he bored out of his mind? What is his daily schedule like? How do you know he is crying for company? Maybe he's just crying to do something different.
I noted that you do call him a baby still. Wink

Others have given great suggestions of places to get out to.

I absolutely agree with the amother who said to take your children on errands with you. Yes, it's a shlep, but they learn and pickup on real- world skills.

You are lucky that you have a choice with this.

Tamiri

Sun, Sep 23 2007, 9:00 am

I agree with everything the poster above wrote. Here are some suggestions, in addition to those I wrote before:

What to do with your child, who is still a baby at 21 months, every day: you wake up. Change his diaper. Give him breakfast. Sing davening songs. Do the dishes and let him get a stool and stand next to you. He can play with the water, the bubbles, whatever. Get both of you dressed and go out to the park. Notice the beautiful trees, flowers, whatever. You can work on texture (smooth tree bark, rough tree bark) colors (green grass, red car, blue sky), nature (clouds, birds, rain, sun, leaves falling crunch crunch crunch). At the park let him interact with other kids, if there are any. Bring a ball. Bring a sandwich. Bring a drink. Go home. Let him play by himself a bit. Lunch. Nap. Afternoons invite those famous neighbors over. Get him on a riding toy, or a bike you can push him on (he's too young to peddle). Put on music. Learn finger play. Sing to him, read to him. Get age-appropriate games, not junk: pegs, shapes, puzzles that a BABY can do. Give him a crayon with a piece of paper. Do baby exercises (head on the floor, look through your legs and peek-a-boo). Shpritz shaving cream on the kitchen table and let him "finger paint", as long as he doesn't eat it. Do bubbles. Play doh. And there goes the day. Try and do this with one other mom. I think the issue is if you are alone with your kid YOU get bored - try and prevent that. Put up a notice for a playgroup, maybe shul is a good place. A REAL playgroup where there are moms and maybe 2-3 kids his age.
Take him to the store. Talk to him. ROUND oranges. Long bananas. What color (he won't know, tell him over and over the colors). Sweet melon, sour pickle. His mind is a sponge waiting to absorb. You can nourish it very easily.
While he is at home with you he is safer and more secure than in any other environment. His needs are met by the one who cares for him the most. He is not mixed up by "morahs" coming and going (there is high turnover with the baby aged kids in preschool). He can nap in his own bed, when he's tired and not wait for it to "be time". He will likely stay healthier - kids in preschool get sick a LOT, why load that upon a baby immune system. He won't get lice, most likely.
If you make yourself happy mothering (you have to learn to do it, it doesn't come naturally anymore, if it ever did) then he will be a happy and lucky child as well.

Tamiri

Sun, Sep 23 2007, 9:19 am

you start a little at a time, introducing new concepts and textures gradually. Not everything I wrote is to be done in one day... I was just suggesting how to make the day go by. I specifically mentioned that he won't catch on the everything right away - what child does?
I will give you an example: I hang my laundry on an upper-floor balcony in my home. I taught my baby to come up the stairs with me. Great exercise. Then I taught him to go down. Then up on the balcony, which is open, we saw SKY and CLOUDS. So early on he learned those terms. Then we got to BIRDS flying in the SKY. On the balcony you can find ants and bugs... another nature lesson! All while I am doing the tedious task of hanging laundry! Everything is an adventure. Use your own sechel to enrich his.
If you are reticent about doing this 1-on-1 with your baby, how can you imagine sending him to a group? Get up in the morning and open your eyes. Step back and look at how he's occupying/entertaining himself, and take it from there. Don't interfere, take his lead. Put out the crayon and paper and show him how to scribble. It's really quite easy, and the way children were brought up for ages (not talking about those who worked in factories and were abused). The child will let you know what he needs... just try it with an open mind. You may be amazed. Important to note that they don't have a long attention span, 30 seconds with a crayon may be enough for him before he goes on to find something else to occupy himself. THIS IS NORMAL. Children of this age do not need to be sitting in circles for any length of time nor do they need to concentrate for longer than a few moment. This period of growth passes so quickly. Before you know it he'll be 2.5 and ready for stickers, longer books, filling in your sentences with familiar stories, ready for challa dough... it's amazing.
When it's your first child you don't know how to appreciate it (my experience). Ask moms what they do/did with their kids at home. It's just a very recent development that kids are not at home with mommy, where they belong.

greenfire

Sun, Sep 23 2007, 10:36 am

by the way ... in this hectic day and age kids are all too often forced to play sports, become pianists - or excel in some form of music, really they need to be able to relax and home and learn from being content with his things at home ... yes you can entertain him ... buy puzzels storybooks coloring books building blocks so many stimulative and learning toys out there ... teach him alef bais ... and make the play dates too ... go out with him ... love him nurture him ... they grow all too quickly ... this way he has you to turn to ... and home to be his comfort zone ...

Tamiri

Sun, Sep 23 2007, 11:18 am

You don't even have to buy so much, as we found out with #1. Overload is no good. Something good to build with, some puzzles, peg board, books, stickers, crayons and paints etc are great to start with.
In my house we have a great "horse" (step-stool) which the 3 yo loves to ride (he sees his brothers at actual lessons) and a roll of twine makes a great dog on a leash to play with (he holds the end of the string and the ball follows him around). He makes "pancakes" with soap and water in the kitchen sink. He "oils" his tricycle with pretend oil. When he was younger, the best toys were the plastic Rubbermaid and Tupperware which were at his level in the cabinet. He loves helping me squeegee the floor. He likes tents made out of blankets draped over chairs. So easy. He can throw dirty laundry into the washer.
I wish young women took over their G-d given right to be mothers and didn't slip into the current trend of have 'em and farm 'em out. Children are precious, to be taught and shaped and nurtured. Who better than the one who bore them?