Am I a bad mom? | Imamother

Tehilla

Sun, Sep 23 2007, 12:07 pm

I have a whole gamut of experiences with my DDs so far.
Everyone has not so great days...obviously. Some things I found to be enjoyable, are having my 3 yr old stand by the milchig sink and 'wash' the dishes while I wash the fleishigs. Give both of them paper, crayons, glitter glue (ooh such a fave), etc. While I'm in the whole putting the baby to bed process, my 3 yr old and I color together. We sing and dance all the time together.

I sit down on the floor with my long robe on and put them between my legs all of us sitting in a row, and scoot backwards/forwards across the floor (the Mommy train complete with noises). They love it! And so on and so forth. I just have to remind myself on the harder days, more tired days, need more cleaning days..it's ok to pop in a Rebbe video and let them watch it while I veg or clean or whatever.

And, yes, I do send my kids out for a few hours once they are past 18 months. Both they and I need the space. I have babysitting in the home until that age, and I still go out for a couple of hours. I work and still spend a lot of time with my kids. And I have B"H compliments on how happy and confident they are. So, I think it's more than fine to give your children some out of home experience.

Last edited by Tehilla on Sun, Sep 23 2007, 12:17 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Sun, Sep 23 2007, 12:11 pm

Quote:

Do you have experience with that kind of thing? I would love to hear what's going on in a place like that. Maybe I WILL rethink after you educate me.

yes. My sister in law worked in a playgroup so id go sometimes with my daughter and STAY with her so she can play with the other kids. and when my daughter turned two I went playgroup searching and really didnt like what I saw, so I decided to wait till she turneed two and a half, which is this year so she can go to a really good groupo with a great postivive teacher.

before two, sometimes three (depoending on the child) a child is not ready to share everything. a child is basically learning about the world himself... when they are put in a situation where they are forced to act negative at times, like grab (cuz they want everything at that age..) and hit, since they cant talk yet (most cant really communicate thier needs) Unless the teacher is EXTREMELY POSITIVE and isnt the pusnishing sit in the corner , yelling type teacher (which unfortunately most from the playgroups ive checked out arent the most positive possible) the child is set up for negativity.

why put him through that and frustrate him? YES kids like being around other kids and going out, WITH THE PARENT! once a child is old enough to communicate all his needs through speech, and there is an amazing program with POSITIVE teachers not in a huge setting, its a very good thing! but most playgroups have way to many kids, and teachers or ppl doing it in thier homes just to make money, not because they LOVE the kids. especially when they have thier own, noone loves other kkids like thier own.

I watched a friebnds son for a week, they same age as my daughter and boy was I glad noone was watching MY kid! I didnt care as much for him as my own daughter! so if my daughter was tired, I can give her a nap right away, but him id wait cuz his mother was xcoming in a half hour so he wasnt always happy.... I dunno theres lots and lots of reasons..... but I think the BEST option is for YOU to be the one to make sure ure son has fun, gets out, and has a good tiem and isnt bored. after all these years pass soooooooo fast!

mimivan

Sun, Sep 23 2007, 12:14 pm

momtomor wrote:

I would like to send my son to playgroup after Succos, when he'll be about 21 months. I am doing it because he is bored out of his mind, and desperately cries for company all day long. My husband and I think that this is the right thing to do now.

Since I am not working and do not have another child, I am being bashed by friends and family for doing it. But I really have only the baby's interest in mind, not myself.

I will probably still send him anyway, I am just wondering if anyone also thinks that it's a bad thing.

Maybe you should make aliyah to E.Y. The mentality is the OPPOSITE here (but with equal and opposite mussar)

Long story, but my 2 year old was not in gan for a few months. Whenever I was with him in the park, etc... people would come up to me "Why isn't this child in gan??" Neighbors, strangers etc! I felt they were going to sick a truant officer after me, and I was thinking "Wow, if I were in the U.S. people would give me a guilt trip for sending my kid to gan."

Well, guess I was right. Just keep in mind that everything is relative, subjective, and don't let people bug you!

Hope your child enjoys gan!

suomynona

Sun, Sep 23 2007, 2:07 pm

amother wrote:

Quote:

Anyway playgroup is more exciting than a play date with one other child.

I disagree. I think being with other kids WITH THE PARENT at that age is way better then play group. I think if some mothers would go sit in a playgrouop for 18 - 20 month olds, they would rethink sending thier kids! Exclamation

Like I started off my post, you have to know your kid. I was referring to my son.

Quote:

Not all playgroups are bad. Do your research. Also if you feel the hours are too long you can pick your child up early. And yes, some children do need the stimulation. My daughter is definitely more active and more social than other kids. My SIL did not send her child out until 3 1/2 but her kid would sit in the corner with a book for hours my daughter was not like that. You have to know your child. My daughter would cry for school on Sunday.

I agree with this. Ditto for my son. My mother didn't send her kids out until 3 or 4 but none of them were even remotely as active as my son. I was just at the Dr's office and there was a woman there in the waiting room with a son that looked about my son's age who was sitting quietly on her lap the whole time. My son wouldn't sit still on my lap for 1/2 a second. Some of these suggestions make me laugh. Coloring - my son bangs the crayon down a few times on the paper and then throws the crayons all over the place. Wash the dishes - my son climbs onto the chair and onto the counter and will try to turn on the oven or stove...
In fact I had a choice to keep my son at a babysitter (where he was with a few kids younger than him) or send him to playgroup which actually messed up my whole schedule, but I felt that he needed the playgroup.
It's not practical to take your kid on a trip every day to a zoo or indoor playground, and even that only lasts a couple of hours. As for story hour or a museum, all I could say is if a 2 year old has the "zitzfleish" for that, he has a totally different personality than mine.

amother

Sun, Sep 23 2007, 2:38 pm

How about babysitting for another child in your house?

I had the same issue. My child was younger but he needed some social interaction, so I decided to take in a child about the same age as my child, for a few hours a day, and its working out beautifully! Just the right amount of company for him. Children this age dont need a class of 20 kids every day, thats way too much stimulation!

And as a bonus, some extra pocket money!

Tamiri

Sun, Sep 23 2007, 2:38 pm

Suomynona: you aren't going to agree but perhaps your "type" of child is the one who needs his mommy the most...... (to the poster directly above me, your message slipped in between my response to Suo who was directly above me before you :-) )
A child who is "very active" and not able to respond well to his mother... why will he do better in a large group with a stranger educating him? I would really like to understand the reasoning behind this. How do you think the educator handles him smashing crayons and climbing where he doesn't need to be. Or, does he change totally when he is away from Mom? Please clarify.
I am reading: since I can't give him direction at home as he won't cooperate, I will send him out and that will solve the issue. I will have a quiet time and he will be busy. Is that right? Am I understanding correctly?

Last edited by Tamiri on Sun, Sep 23 2007, 2:55 pm; edited 2 times in total

suomynona

Sun, Sep 23 2007, 3:18 pm

Tamiri wrote:

Suomynona: you aren't going to agree but perhaps your "type" of child is the one who needs his mommy the most......

B"h he gets plenty of Mommy (and Abba too), he goes out for a few hours a day

Quote:

A child who is "very active" and not able to respond well to his mother...

not sure where you got the part about not responding well to his mother

Quote:

why will he do better in a large group with a stranger educating him? I would really like to understand the reasoning behind this. How do you think the educator handles him smashing crayons and climbing where he doesn't need to be. Or, does he change totally when he is away from Mom? Please clarify.

Basically, when there are other people around besides Mommy and Abba, he is not bored. That's all.

Quote:

I am reading: since I can't give him direction at home as he won't cooperate, I will send him out and that will solve the issue. I will have a quiet time and he will be busy. Is that right? Am I understanding correctly?

Nope, you're not Smile

I don't think it's called not having direction and not cooperating to do these things at that young age. He's just a very active kid. So he needs the entertainment during the day because he would be too bored at home, and I'm just saying that crayons and washing dishes will not make him unbored for too long. As far as me having quiet time when he's gone, I work at the computer the whole time he is gone and when he's sleeping at night (I have flexible hours) so I can spend as much time as possible with him when he's awake and home. Housework and other stuff barely fit into the picture. We go to the park almost every afternoon.
I don't know why you're reading into this that a not-yet 2 year old has a problem because he doesn't have patience to sit during story hour, and to sit and color. There are all different personalities, and the solutions that people are offering here may work for some kids, but not for others. Which was the point I was trying to make all along.

Last edited by suomynona on Sun, Sep 23 2007, 3:23 pm; edited 1 time in total

Tehilla

Sun, Sep 23 2007, 3:23 pm

Quote:

So he needs the entertainment during the day because he would be too bored at home, and I'm just saying that crayons and washing dishes will not make him unbored for too long.

I agree! My DDs are so active sometimes I'm falling over from exhaustion. My activities were suggestions of different things, but they don't last too long.

I also send my kids out for a little while, well one of them is in school already a full day...but at any rate, they need it and I need it. And everyone is happier and balanced.

Each person finds what's right. You know in the depths of your heart whether you're a good mother or not. I have friends who maybe need to be apart from their kids 2x a week, and nothing more. I need more than that. Does that chas v'shalom make me a bad mom? NO! It makes me a great mom for knowing that, acting upon it, and being a better mom than a beleagured mom... Smile

gryp

Sun, Sep 23 2007, 7:22 pm

suomynona wrote:

GR wrote:

What does it mean "really needed it" as in playgroup?

Really needs a schedule?
Really needs others interacting with him besides his family?
Really needs.... what??

I guess the answer would be different for everyone. In my case, I would say he needs the entertainment.

It's just that I always hear people saying that their child "really needs it." It struck me suddenly that I have no idea what they're all talking about.

Maya

Sun, Sep 23 2007, 7:34 pm

GR wrote:

What does it mean "really needed it" as in playgroup?

Really needs a schedule?
Really needs others interacting with him besides his family?
Really needs.... what??

Yes, the child really needs the entertainment and social life that sitting at home with his mother can't provide for him. My mother didn't send her kids to school before they were 4 years old, but they were content to sit on the floor and watch her sew a skirt. My son is not.

To the amother who suggested I babysit another kid; that's not a job for me. I can barely handle my own kid, and I don't relate well to other people's children.

Thanks to all those encouraging posts.

Tamiri: A child who is active doesn't mean that he is not responding well to his mother; it just means that his mother is not entertaining enough, and he wants more.

gryp

Sun, Sep 23 2007, 8:05 pm

Quote:

My kids stay home until 3 yrs old, but they don't sit and watch me do anything all day. If I'm doing laundry, they help me with the laundry. If I'm eating a snack, they share my snack. If I'm washing dishes, they bring a toy into the kitchen.
I don't know how much free time you have, what your daily schedule is like, and what your baby's schedule is like. You can think of one activity your child would enjoy that might take up let's say, 20 minutes. You can "daven" with him by saying Shema and Torah Tziva and Alef-Beis. Go out for a short walk, and add that in to his eating and nap schedule and the day is practically gone. Add something new the next day, an easy song with fun hand motions.
This is not something that takes a lot of creativity or effort or planning ahead. But it's something I think is important.