Child who comes after a SN child

amother

Turquoise

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 4:33 pm

How did this work out for you?
how was the chinnuch of this child? same or different than previous children?
Do you have any tips of raising a typical child after a severely cognitively impaired child?

amother

Ecru

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 4:50 pm

I was one of those kids. The child above me had learning and emotional difficulties. I had to mature faster than peers which hurt my social skills. I felt like I wasn't praised enough as it would make my sibling angry and jealous . my sibling wasn't extremely cognitively delayed to not know this but almost had a ceiling of "maximum age of maturity/ development"- so couldn't think critically, do math beyond basics or solve word problems, but had and could express their feelings... Maybe 4th or 5th grade max?
I felt stunted at times as I was treated as the older sibling but couldn't be praised.
Make sense?

yOungM0mmy

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 6:59 pm

My aunt has a developmentally delayed child, and another one 11 months later. In the beginning they were pretty much treated the same, and it was the best thing that could have happened for the delayed child. As the younger one started to seriously outstrip the older one they moved the older one to a special school. I cant tell you from his perspective, but the younger one is super responsible, but honestly such a mench. They're a big family kah so he didn't have to take all the responsibility, and they're all pretty nice people, but there's definitely something special about this one.

amother

Pearl

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 7:16 pm

My sister was the oldest and had special needs, and I was born 19 months after. My mom was careful to make sure we were put into different groups if we ever went to the same activity together, e.g drama club, so that I would get a chance to be myself and not feel I had to look after her. Nevertheless, I did feel this way much of the time, and was always aware of how other kids were treating her. However, I think this built me as a person and made me more sensitive to others with disabilities.

One other thing: I was very bright and did well in school. I subconsciously carried around the thought that I had "stolen" my gifts from my sister or taken more than my fair share. I worked through these feelings of guilt when I was older. I can't remember my parents having anything to do with me feeling this way but I guess my advice would be to make sure your next child (and your SN child) knows that we each have a special job to do in this world and Hashem creates us with exactly what we need to get it done.

amother

Ecru

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 10:51 pm

I wanted to add to my previous post. My parents were pretty amazing about treating me as "the oldest" in terms of perks and privately told me how proud they were. I did crave the public praise (and felt terrible when other classmates got it when I felt I deserved it) that I didn't get and even today I want to be told that I am appreciated. But I really appreciate the way my parents handled it. Its a tough situation for them (and I never told them my wishes and feel ridiculous saying it now). When you have a disabled child, the next in line feels caught- oldest? Youngest child? I knew I had to be good and it did push me to make them proud, have a child who got the great grades, didn't get in trouble at school etc. So I am grateful to have had that impetus. It has taught me a lot about who I am, how to be helpful, to care about others, be non judgemental, not see things in such black and white terms and see the human behind the illness/ disability.

Like everything in life, there are good parts and results and ugly sides.

amother

Hotpink

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 2:18 pm

I have a 4yo with down syndrome and now a baby. My daughter with DS loves her baby sister and is very much a big sister to her. Because of the age difference I expect her to be in the big sister role for a while. I was afraid of having another baby after my child with DS (I had her at 39 and the next child at 43). Other parents in this situation told me it was the best thing that happened. I'm glad to hear the perspective of the younger siblings and we will watch for these things as they grow up. I think my baby is lucky to have such a loving and caring big sister above her.