How can a school really know

amother

Beige

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 6:09 pm

I keep hearing and reading about kids that fell through the cracks in school. They were good and didn't attract attention but were in pain.

I myself felt that way all through school, and I wasn't even able to articulate the extent of my situation when I reached out finally in 11th grade, and so did not get the proper help. (Besides for the fact that the teacher was kinda ignorant.)

*at one point I spoke to my principal at a later time so that she might help my sister and she said she can only if my sister goes over to her to talk. Well thanks for the help.

So how should a school know? The parents are not saying anything. The girl is not saying anything.

Amothers who went to school where there was a guidance counselor, does that do the trick?

amother

Maroon

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 8:44 pm

As a teenager, I definitely felt like I "fell through the cracks."

Things were really rough at home, everyone knew there had been a massive change in my family structure, it shouldn't have been rocket science to figure out that the change in my behavior and academics was due to that.

I went from being a never-in-trouble, well-behaved, respectful, A++ student, to getting Cs (and not caring about it) and getting into trouble often multiple times a week. In fact, once during that first year when things really plummeted and I changed so drastically, one of the principals did call me in and ask what was going on. I started crying (because deep down I was still that girl who was so scared of getting into trouble that she always behaved perfectly) and blurted out something about my mother getting re-married. She gave me a tissue and sent me back to class and that was that. Another teacher who had taught me several times previously also noticed and commented on the drastic change, but never seemed to consider it was a result of other things in my life.

After that year of failing and being in trouble, I was able to pull things together, got myself back to doing well and behaving, but I was miserable. My life hadn't changed, things were getting worse, and when I submitted an (excellent, if I may say so) suicide poem for an English assignment, the only comment the teacher made was "Excellent! Let's put it in the year book." LOL (in my school a year book was a collection of excellent pieces of work the students had done over the year).

I definitely felt (and still do feel) that because I was so bright, such a good student, and naturally mature and well behaved (aside from the one year, after which I went back to my regular ways), that contributed to my being overlooked. I was one of the easy kids. I kept to myself. The teachers had their hands full with the harder kids.

As an adult, I see things differently. I ask myself, what should they have done anyway? This was not a CPS situation. And I would not have been remotely interested or willing to meet with the school counselor. How could they have helped me anyway? It's not so clear cut.

amother

Pewter

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 8:53 pm

As a teacher, it is painful to watch kids struggle, try to articulate their pain, but then hold themselves back for a million reasons. One kid is jaded because she used to get professional help but her parents pulled her out, perhaps when they got close to uncomfortable truths about their parenting. Her suffering screams from her every gesture, but what more could I do than reach out to her and show that I care? "The school" knows, but now what?

In another case where I was involved, a girl was pressured by the school to get help, the parents insisted on her seeing an unlicensed family friend, and then blamed the school when it all blew up.

There are no magic solutions. I think step one would be to talk more openly, remove some of the stigma, and normalize professional help.

sequoia

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 9:03 pm

I'm going to describe what happened to me. This may be uncomfortable to read.

As you know, my father is an abusive psycho.

In tenth grade, in the late nineties, we read Toni Morrison's "The Bluest Eye." It is about a girl who is raped by her drunk father, gets pregnant, loses the baby, and disconnects from reality.

After one class, I burst into tears and told my English teacher (a man in his sixties) that it was triggering for me because my own father was beating and s-xually abusing me. I told him directly that this was currently happening at home.

He replied, "are you done crying? because I want to go get coffee."

We had two guidance counselors and a nurse on premises. No one was informed.

Reesa

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 9:11 pm

sequoia wrote:

This was more than uncomfortable to read. I'm really sorry you went through that and had your cry for help ignored. I hope we can expect better from this newer generation of better trained teachers.

amother

Maroon

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 10:38 pm

sequoia wrote:

I have no words.

Did u ever go back to him down the line?

I sometimes think about doing that. To know genuinely what they were thinking.

Btw, your story reminded me of one of my teachers who assigned us to write an autobiographical piece. As she was giving the instructions she said, "it has to be true but don't get too personal, girls. Last year one girl wrote about her father abusing her! It's true! Don't tell me that, girls. I don't want to know."

amother

Mauve

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 2:16 am

amother wrote:

As a teen I thought my school was ignoring me. Really, the healthier teachers ignored my bad behaviors and showed me love in whichever ways they could. I was a star, but couldn't appreciate it.

I had teachers who thought they could fix the world. They hurt me in the end.

The others just playfully picked on me, or complained that I wasn't in their class, or in their own way tried to get through to me from a distance. They, in retrospect, were the smart ones.

Just some food for thought

amother

Ecru

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 4:10 am

When I was in 10th grade, my dad got sick. Then I was raped by someone I thought was a friend. The school obviously knew about my dad and not the other thing. I kept up my 4.0 GPA and my extracurriculars, so it was assumed I was coping. In the meantime, I was barely eating and also cutting myself. It was my non-Jewish English teacher who noticed the cuts. He asked me what was going on. I wouldn't say anything, so he responded that he knew I had given myself those cuts and that he had no choice but to tell the guidance counselor. The guidance counselor told my parents. My parents didn't didn't push me, they assumed it had everything to do with my dad's illness (and that was partially true) so they got me therapy and left me to my privacy. They realized that I hadn't come to them with my issues, so as long as I was getting help, they left me alone.

imasinger

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 4:17 am

OP, while there are limits to what a school can do or know, I want to brag on our local BY.

Part of this is because the menahel is an unbelievable tzaddik and educator. Some is because there are only about 60 girls in the entire school.

But the staff meets every other week, and discusses every single girl. Reviews the educational, social, emotional status of each one. Brainstorms about how to help each one succeed. Follows up by setting aside meeting times for each girl, inviting them to talk. Follows up with parents. Listens to their input as well.

It's a huge amount of work for the staff. But they make nissim happen every day. Even though, over the years, there have occasionally been girls who didn't thrive there, it wasn't for lack of effort.

amother

Green

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 4:30 am

When I was in elementary school, I wrote a masterpiece for creative writing class.

It was a suicide letter.

My teacher used to return writings with her favorites on top. This time, my writing was on top of the pile.

Not only did she praise it effusively and give me an A++, she read it to the entire class because she was so impressed. She showed it to my principal too, and my principal complimented me too on my creative, well written piece.

I don't understand what they were thinking. I was miserable then and didn't even conceal it, but I was quiet and withdrawn so I was left to my own self-harming devices.

amother

Green

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 4:45 am

amother wrote:

I do think that the previous generation of teachers was taught to let the kids sort things out on their own. I look back many times and wonder why teachers didn't speak up during bullying and worse.

In Israel where some kids are 35 in a class, how can a teacher really know? How can a principal know?

I think that the truly gifted and G-d-inspired teachers have a 6th sense and know how to reach out and to whom.

Unfortunately, there are still many teachers who are like this. Most of my former teachers are still teaching. In Bais Yaakovs where no degrees are required, young adults with no training for intervention and warning signs, are given teaching positions alongside teachers who have been teaching for decades and have never updated their methods. Proactive teachers are few and far in between.

amother

Khaki

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 5:01 am

sequoia wrote:

He was an abuser himself. I bet.