DS resents being in school when his sisters aren't

amother

Brown

Mon, Jun 26 2017, 10:20 am

I have one son and a few daughters. DS really resents that he has to go to school on his Sundays when his sisters are having a good time. Today my daughters are starting day camp while he still has school (and day camp in place of secular studies) for another month.To make matters worse his sisters were always telling him that he is only in school because girls are on a higher madregah and so much better so they don't need to. Even though I made them stop saying it the damage was already done .This is really causing problems. What should I do?

Chayalle

Mon, Jun 26 2017, 10:26 am

Tell your son that actually, he is in school because as a man he will have a mitzvah of "Vhaisah Bo Yomam Valaylah" and "Gadol Hametzuvah V'ose" - a person who is commanded and does the mitzvah is greater. Tell him how special he is and that because Torah is so important, and he is charged to learn it, he has more school than the girls. Back up your words about his specialness with some extra treats and prizes; consider taking just him to icecream to have this conversation; build him up about this extra school, and help him feel good about himself.

I know lots of people who give their son special snack every Sunday for school.

saw50st8

Mon, Jun 26 2017, 10:40 am

Chayalle wrote:

Doesn't this just give in to the sibling rivalry and the superiority they are all trying to feel?

shevi82

Mon, Jun 26 2017, 10:48 am

He needs you to acknowledge that it is a challange for him. " I know it is hard when the girls have off and you still have to go to school"
Then tell him what a special thing he is doing, by learning torah, the most valuble thing in the world. And then you can spoil him a bit. Take him out by himself for ice cream, buy him a new toy or book he will apreciate.

Chayalle

Mon, Jun 26 2017, 10:50 am

saw50st8 wrote:

Doesn't this just give in to the sibling rivalry and the superiority they are all trying to feel?

Good question. I think it depends how it's done. Ideally, boys and girls should know that they each have their own important role to play in this world. That's why Hashem made both boys and girls.

It seems that the OP's son is feeling put down here. He needs to be built up to know that he is important, and he has a purpose in life too.

mha3484

Mon, Jun 26 2017, 10:58 am

During the school year I like to talk up school on Sundays. How much he loves his rebbe, his friends etc. I use the mornings to do things like cleaning and errands or activities geared towards his much younger brothers that he would complain is babyish so hes not missing anything exciting.

ETA I removed my last sentence because I read the OP too quickly.

amother

Brown

Mon, Jun 26 2017, 11:06 am

Chayalle wrote:

It seems that the OP's son is feeling put down here. He needs to be built up to know that he is important, and he has a purpose in life too.

OP here It is a mixture of both. His sisters have done a wonderful job at making him not value learning or any other Mitvos Asey Shzman Gromoh. He says that if it is only so I should act as good as them I can do it without school. And in general he resents being in school when they aren't because it is unfair.

leah233

Mon, Jun 26 2017, 3:36 pm

amother wrote:

If the bolded is true then you have an issue with your daughters that has to be dealt with too.

amother

Powderblue

Mon, Jun 26 2017, 10:38 pm

DS had this problem one summer. (His older brothers were out of the house & it was just him & a bunch of girls on vacation.) I had recently read a Mrs. Honig story, IIRC, about this issue so I told him that every day that he learns Torah (& I think I said doesn't kvetch about it) we're going to go out for ice cream because we're so happy that he's learning.

I think he got a bit chubby that summer, but it did sweeten his attitude. Plus provided bonding time with Mom. Occasionally I may have sent him to a nearby grocery but mostly I took him out.

But, OP, I would definitely work on your girls teasing him. Not very nice. Is he perhaps the spoiled prince?

devorah1231

Mon, Jun 26 2017, 10:48 pm

We had some similar complaints growing up. But ultimately, our parents made it clear, and we accepted that boys and girls are different. Definitely yo need to correct what his sisters taught him, maybe have someone else like grandfather/respected uncle or rebbi doubly confirm.

Girls:
Have to help more at home, babysit, cook, laundry etc (not that boys don't, but much less)
Have more homework
Have to go to college straight out of sem/high school
Have their own mitzvos to worry about, like tznius

Boys:
Have school on Sunday and learn in camp
Have to go to shul
Have less homework
Help out less

We girls complained about having to set the table, and were told the boys have to get up to go to shul and that is why they were exempt, etc

imeinu

Mon, Jun 26 2017, 11:43 pm

I let my son take the leftover cake from shabbos to school on Sunday. Also, maybe clue his Rebbe into the situation and maybe he can do a lesson or 2 on Sundays about the value of learning and how special it is to be a boy.
My son hates shopping and we tend to do a lot of errands on Sunday. And I make sure not to do anything majorly exciting on Sunday mornings.
The one time we did have to do something exciting on Sunday that that he was really disappointed to miss, we explained to him that "ain mevatlin tinokos shel bais rabban afilu l'binyan bais hamikdash"
Try telling that to his sisters!!

sequoia

Mon, Jun 26 2017, 11:45 pm

devorah1231 wrote:

amother

Beige

Tue, Jun 27 2017, 12:18 am

My boys complain it's not fair their sisters don't have Sunday school, and my girls complain that it's not fair that their brothers have Sunday school but they don't, because they love school so much. (I know this won't last forever)

sequoia

Tue, Jun 27 2017, 12:49 am

amother wrote:

Why? Some people believe in equity not equality.

Man working, woman doing housework is equity.

Man learning, woman doing *everything* is not.

And the above teaches kids - teenagers - impressionable boys and girls - exactly the latter, not the former. Girls have to do housework, cook clean sew iron, take care of siblings, go to college right after sem (to train for a career), etc etc. Boys have to... daven and learn.

shevi82

Tue, Jun 27 2017, 3:33 am

devorah1231 wrote:

Sorry but this is very bad chinuch. I also have my boys in the system were they only have off Bein Hazmanim. I would never tell my dd you have to set the table bec boys go to minyan. It is just the wrong way to present it and will not be good for future shalom Bayis.
Rather, I try to teach my children that sometimes we have to do things even when we are not in the mood. I am also not so excited to go to work every day, but that's life so I do it.In our school the boys now have school, so they will go.
Young boys can get some extras, but even a boy who has to go to minyan 3 times a day can sweep the floor or babysit.