Unhappy (middle) child, always complaining. How to help him?

amother

cornflower

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 8:46 am

So my 9 year old son is always complaining, getting upset. He happens to be the middle child, not sure if that makes a difference. Hes also Bothering his siblings a lot, speaking disrespectfully sometimes... feels everyone is out to get him. I wish he would realize that his behavior is the cause of it! I want to help him be happier. His relationship with dh is also Getting shaky. He gives dh a hard time about everything and comes to me crying and looking for sympathy.
He loves contests and prizes so I sat down with him last night and tried to get him to come up with a few reasons why he's lucky, happy... thought we could do it every day for a prize. didn't want to hear of it.
We did come up with a deal that every day he doesn't get upset or complain a lot he will get $1 and if I feel he was trying to be extra happy he can get $1.50. At end of the week dh will take him to buy something special. (Giving them positive time together) not sure how long this will last...

Any other tips to help my son help himself be happier?

amother

Goldenrod

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 10:26 am

Op, I have a lot of experience with this "middle child syndrome.". Please read carefully as this is crucial: your son is suffering from a lack of feeling important to you. He is behaving like this to compete for your attention, and he's in a habit that he doesnt know how to break free from. Don't blame yourself, I'm sure you are doing a great job because you're working on this, bit prizes and contests won't work because they don't address the underlying cause of the problem.

Here is what works: you and dh need to make time in your schedules once a week, each separately, to spend " special time" with this child. "Special time" means doing something with him that is positively and loving and completely separate from his siblings. You can have him plan your dates with you, you can give him a choice of activities, or you can do the same thing each time. This doesn't need to be expensive or glamorous, things like playing a favorite board game, reading aloud to him from a book he'd love, going for a slurped, watching a DVD together, baking together, etc. You can still correct and discipline him for negative behavior, but you must fill his love tank for any correction to work. At first, when he starts receiving the love he needs, his negative behavior will likely escalate, as he tests your love for him. But if you and your dh each make time for a weekly date together with your son, I"yH you will eventually see a decrease in his negative, competitive behavior. And this extra love will fortify him and shape him for life!

Hatzlacha from a mom with the same dynamic in her home.

amother

cornflower

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 10:50 am

Thanks for your post! It's interesting you say this because I have special time with each of my kids for 10 min before they go to bed. Of all my kids he is the most into it. If I ever need to miss it because I'm not home and someone else is getting him to bed, he is the most dissapoonted.

tichellady

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 10:55 am

I am not a parenting expert so feel free to take this with a grain so salt but I would try not to reward someone for a lack of complaining. I understand why it it's annoying to have a complaining child but I feel like if he has to hide how he feels from his parents, he may have emotional regulation issues later on and a feeling that he can't share how true feelings with his parents. Maybe you can have him start a gratitude journal or practice, but not tell him that he can't complain. I think the advice of private time with mom and dad in the schedule, not as a reward that needs to be earned, is good.