S/o Do you and your husband go through each others phones?

little neshamala

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 8:20 pm

Looks like I'm the odd one out. All the time, but not to "check up" on each other. It's not a trust thing. More like a entertainment/fill each other in on our day type of thing. But we do ask each other if there's anything we shouldn't open, in case there's private texts or whatever. Very normal to find either of us randomly scrolling each other's phone over a cup of tea , like reading the newspaper. But this also has to do with the type of relationship you have-we are the type that tell each other everything and are constantly filling each other in about every single thing that's going on. I know many couples aren't like that.

amother

cornflower

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 8:46 pm

little neshamala wrote:

Same

clowny

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 8:49 pm

little neshamala wrote:

Exactly this. I’m glad to see another odd one here Very Happy

Call me crazy, but if dh would tell me not to look through a certain text or email because it’s private and I’m not allowed to see it, I would be extremely bothered by it. We have the type of relationship that we don’t hide anything from each other including an interesting conversation either of us had with a friend.
So yeah, if you want to share something with me please know that I will share it with dh too.

amother

Khaki

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 9:23 pm

I look at his photos as he's the unofficial photographer of the family. My photos are lame.

I will also grab his phone to look up the weather, etc.

Though once I grabbed his phone to read NYT while I went to the bathroom (gross, I know) and found a secret email account he'd used for years, booking escorts and emailing with women from websites. You better believe that I then "went through" it all once I saw that.

This was two years ago. I don't think I will ever trust him again.

amother

Azure

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 10:04 pm

little neshamala wrote:

This!!!

amother

Coral

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 10:14 pm

I was speaking to a very smart rav right before I got married. He said to me then that there is one piece of advice he has for me: your phone and your husbands phone are NOT private. There is no such thing as secrets.
Coming from a place where I have a close family member who's dh cheated on her, I am unfortunately too aware of the possibility. She discovered it through emails and mysterious texts that didn't make sense.

Yes, you are entitled to a level of privacy where your things are yours and you don't have to yenta all your friends deep dark secrets to your dh, but IMHO you need to be able to scroll through each other's phones whenever you want. That doesn't mean you SHOULD spend all your free time looking at your dhs phone and vice versa. But there has to be the option. A Loshon Hara question came up shortly after I got married about my dh s friend. Asked a shaila, was told there is no such thing as a secret between spouses in today's day and age. There are things I tell my friends that are very personal, and I am very well aware that it is their choice and option to tell their dh or not. And that's the way it should be. Cuz I trust my friend, I trust that her dh will trust her opinion of who I am and therefore I am comfortable telling her these things.
Women are at men's fingertips these days. A couple of buttons and they can be getting nudes from some stripper. It is very necessary to have access to each other's phones completely.
I don't necessarily volunteer information but if DH sees something or asks me I tell him everything he wants to know.

Boca00

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 10:14 pm

amother wrote:

I'm so sorry for your pain.

I'm surprised he let you look through his phone.

amother

Cerise

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 10:22 pm

I respect his personal space and do not check his phone. Although, he used to check mine and it would get me nervous bc he was scrolling through my whatsapp group conversations, I'm always scared people are going to by mistake comment or like something so I prefer he doesn't go to my personal pages. Just to go on YouTube... check news sites etc. I totally couldn't care less. However when I go on his phone (rarely) to check a news site, he says I need my phone back. It makes him so uncomfortable which makes me suspicious that he has what to hide

Boca00

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 10:29 pm

clowny wrote:

Exactly this. I’m glad to see another odd one here Very Happy

Good to know! Guess I won't be texting you anymore. Wink

amother

Babypink

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 10:41 pm

Yes, because years ago a marriage counselor we went to said it was a good idea to do from time to time, not in a sneaky way, but in front of each other.

It's also protection from ourselves. He works in a job with a fair amount of temptations. Knowing that I have all his passwords helps protect himself from himself. Since I stay home with our kids I have fewer temptations but I give him my phone all the time knowing he could scroll through because it's only fair.

We also have each other's Facebook passwords, email passwords, etc.

We don't read each other's stuff all the time, but it's important to have it understood that it could be read. And obviously, I use common sense. If I pick up his phone and say I'm going to read your messages I don't read the ones from his mother or something because I respect him and that's not the point of doing it.

amother

Amethyst

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 11:14 pm

I'm honestly shocked that majority of women think it's bizarre or a breach of privacy to check each other's phones.

If DH wouldn't allow me to see his phone, I'd never be able to trust him.
Isn't a man obviously hiding if he minds if you look?

I don't check up on him, but I do like to read his messages from time to time, just for interest, to see how his day went, or with whom he communicated etc.

He does the same with mine. We discuss our conversations.

amother

Copper

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 11:25 pm

Im the same as little neshamale. We constantly look at each other's phones, and I joke that if I wouldn't I would have no idea what's going on in his life.
It's also helpful to my husband to see all conversations I have with my children's educators and dr's.
We have a completely trusting marriage and we're great friends- thank g-d.

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 11:30 pm

amother wrote:

He isn't hiding anything from me. Perhaps we are older than many on Imamother (I always come around to this eventually in these phone-themed discussions) but we seem to have a different understand of normal expectations of communication and privacy than I hear about here.

I would never open his personal correspondence, whether paper or electronic. I do not expect him to open mine, or to want to. There are no secrets between us, but there is trust and respect.

He uses his phone primarily for work, so I doubt anything on it is of great interest. Our social media accounts are intended for others to see and are totally pareve.

We communicate with each other when we see each other in the evening. We do not expect constant access to one another throughout the day, and are not jealous of one another's communication with friends and colleagues.

amother

Coral

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 11:33 pm

Boca00 wrote:

Good to know! Guess I won't be texting you anymore. Wink

I spoke to a therapist about this particular subject. What she kept on saying is that in a healthy relationship, dh should trust his wife's opinion of her friend. Ex. my dh best friend suffers from anxiety. I trust my dh opinion of this guy and therefore don't judge him at all. I conform to how my dh perceives him. (Happens to be I also suffer from anxiety so understand it but you get the gist)

papermageling

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 11:42 pm

Never in a "going through looking for problems" sort of way. But if I've got a question like "hey, my mom messaged you her plans for next week, do you remember what they are?", he'll hand me his phone to search for the text. And I use it for entertainment on long car rides and such.