How do I guide my post-seminary daughter?

dancingqueen

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 11:05 am

amother wrote:

In my city (in the US) we have a shelter system where anyone needing a warm safe bed can come to sleep overnight. Many people, even families, sleep in shelters while they wait on a long list for cheap subsidized housing.

The shelters close shortly after breakfast, and open again after dinnertime. People are expected to get out and work, or go school, the library, or a park.

Because of our excellent shelter system I've met a number of homeless people who are involved in continuing eduction, exercising at the Y, volunteering, and their religious or civic community. They are active because the shelters require them to get out. They are participating in life. By the time they get to the top of the housing list they have had a lot of practice making decisions, and have learned many skills. They are wonderful neighbors.

You are not doing your daughter any favors by letting her hang around all day. Establish rules, and require her to get out of the house every day. Tell her you will be charging her rent in one month, at least $150/month, and if she won't pay, she's out. Follow through.

This is very tough “love”. I don’t know any Jewish parents who would force their child to live in a homeless shelter.

Op, she does sound depressed. Keep encouraging her to get help, that there is nothing wrong with getting some help if you need it. I also think getting out of the house more often would be good - volunteering, classes, work. I would not recommend online classes.

oliveoil

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 12:29 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

As I read it, she's not saying to send the kid to a homeless shelter. She's advising the parents adopt the shelter's policy of having to be out and about during working hours.

Optimystic

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 3:00 pm

Your daughter sounds like me in my early twenties. I didn't realize I was depressed at the time until years after the fact. In my case, I think it was disappointment with the options. My parents had college degrees and got jobs that paid them well enough to save money and move forward in life, and so I expected the same thing.

I had a college degree and nothing. I couldn't even work in retail or be a pharmacy tech because everywhere, even banks, required Saturday hours. When my parents pushed me, it was maybe 10% helpful sometimes, and 90% depressing and discouraging always.

I think all you can really do is to continue to love her, and make sure she knows you love her no matter what.

In my case, it took me about two years to finally move out with a job that wasn't commission-only sales. (I got a break because a grocery store read my 8 PM to 1 AM Saturday availability on the application as 8 AM to 1 PM. I was still almost terminated my first week for not being able to work Saturday mornings.)

As for things my parents didn't try that in hindsight might have helped a lot:

(1) Therapy
(2) Doing things for me like picking up applications or networking to find me a starter job as hitting all the dead ends all by myself made it hard to keep going.
(3) Skipping college as none of the available jobs valued a degree, and I lost four years on saving money and gaining job experience. (And I went on scholarship. I still have friends paying (or not paying) student loans for degrees and certifications that contributed zero to their job prospects and $0.00 to their current take-home pay.)

dancingqueen

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 8:12 pm

oliveoil wrote:

As I read it, she's not saying to send the kid to a homeless shelter. She's advising the parents adopt the shelter's policy of having to be out and about during working hours.

In principle I agree with that but it sounds now like ops dd needs professional help.

laer

Wed, Jul 18 2018, 5:00 am

She sounds like a really easy going girl.
Perfect wife! Our daughter loved puttering around the house as well. Came home from sem and took classes in baking and cooking. She now has an amazing business! Never thought she would be supporting a hubby and her brother as well!!
Positive encouragement goes a long way. Let her choose any course she enjoys! A job during the day would be great.