12yo DS takes long showers

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amother

Tan

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 3:05 pm

DH has started a new rule that my 12yo DS can take 3 minute showers. He is convinced that he's doing inappropriate stuff in there and every time my son goes in the shower he gets upset and tells me exactly what he thinks DS is doing. He's probably right ggiiven that the showers are really really long sometimes and when we tell him to hurry his voice sounds weird. But personally I don't want to think about except to make sure he keeps the time reasonable..

Anyone have experience with this? We haven't yet had any kind of sx education talk with him. What should we do?

amother

Rose

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 3:08 pm

That is not going to stop him from doing it elsewhere if he is. At 12 he's practically a teen, trying to control at that age will backfire. It's his decision, as parents we can only guide and hope they follow, but if you try to control it doesn't work. Unless he's taking so long that it's interfering with other people taking showers, I would let him be. And yes the s-x talk should have happened already.

crust

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 3:10 pm

#1 Have sx education talk.
#2 Rule out OCD
#3 Get your husband's education in order. Your son won't be killed emotionaly from touching self but he will be killed emotionaly from a father being suspicious of his every move.

simba

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 3:28 pm

I can't shower in 3 minutes.
Why shouldn't he pleasure himself if you have not told him otherwise? It's natural to do things that feel good. I eat ice cream all the time!
Turn off your disciplinary tone and start teaching your child. Build confidence and not fear.
Best of luck!

amother

Olive

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 3:42 pm

Stop shaming and controlling your son. You are setting him up for serious psychological problems in life with how he is being treated. I also think the overreaction and obsession on your husband's part is concerning and outside the boundaries of normal.

amother

Teal

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 3:53 pm

I love relaxing and taking hot long showers and no I don't do anything inappropriate in there . Why can't you let your son take a nice long shower?

amother

Babypink

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 4:13 pm

***parents are never happy***
Most complain about teenage boys NOT showering enough. Here's one who does and they are still complaining.
Your job is to work with your DH to get him to stop bugging him. Get outside help if necessary and leave the poor kid alone.

mommy3b2c

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 4:13 pm

As others have said, you are setting your son up for serious emotional issues....

pause

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 4:20 pm

You need an open and honest non-judgmental talk with your ds. Limiting time in shower is putting a band-aid. You want to deal with the source of the issue. Whatever it may be.

thunderstorm

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 4:24 pm

When my boys take showers that seem to take forever he gets upset because they are wasting water not because of what they might be doing in there. Lol.

amother

Green

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 4:44 pm

pause wrote:

You need an open and honest non-judgmental talk with your ds. Limiting time in shower is putting a band-aid. You want to deal with the source of the issue. Whatever it may be.

You don't want to talk with your ds about what he is doing in the shower! That is a serious infringement on his privacy!
Let him be. You can limit showers because other people are waiting or because it's a waste of water. Even so, three minutes is really much too short.
I think the real problem here is your dh and not your ds. Dh is way too obsessed with your son's very private matters. Very unhealthy. Does dh show other troubling intrusive behaviours?
And yes, you should already have discussed the birds and the bees with your son. But at this stage there is no way you should directly question him as to what he does in the shower. Would you want to be directly questioned as to what you do in bed?
You can pass over your values and tell him it's best to try and abstain without ever suggesting that you suspect he is doing xyz at a certain time.
Your dh needs help though. What a nightmare for your son.

amother

Mint

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 4:57 pm

Three minutes?! Are you kidding me?!
Send dh to a therapist asap. And let ds have his showers. It's just not right to talk to him when he's showering, and then say his voice sounds weird. Let him shower in peace.
And then imagine being your son. What would you want from your parents ? I would be highly resentful if my shower time was limited.

SixOfWands

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 5:04 pm

Time your husband’s showers. At the 3 minute mark, demand he come out, then harangue him about the fact that he must be touching self if he takes more than 3 minutes.

Teens sometimes like long showers. If others are waiting, tell him to move it. Otherwise leave him be.

And do talk to him about his changing body. He’s entitled.

allthingsblue

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 5:09 pm

I think your dh's obsession/ concern is a reflection of his own struggles.
Leave your son alone.
But yes, do give him some s-x ed.

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 5:43 pm

IRL I like to ask advice of those older and wiser that have children which turned out the way I hope mine will. My aunt is one of them... I asked her about all my sezual concerns w my boys. She said she ignored and let them do whatever they want so long as it's not in public. It's a normal part of growing up. I trust her. Her boys are all happy healthy and terrific husbands. Ur dh needs some classes b4 teaching his son. He's clearly w issues of his own

notshanarishona

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 5:51 pm

Many people take long showers. As a teacher of boys many boys smell like they take to short showers or not often enough . Be glad your son likes to be clean.
11 is old enough for "the talk" but don't jump on him and assume he is doing wrong. You can and should talk to him in general about the torahs view on self pleasure but unless there is something missing her no one should be monitoring how many seconds he is in the shower.

amother

Mint

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 5:52 pm

Let me guess: dh is not pleasant to live with and he and you have many conflicts about how to parent the children .
Maybe some couple's counseling can help?

crust

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 5:54 pm

amother wrote:

Let me guess: dh is not pleasant to live with and he and you have many conflicts about how to parent the children .
Maybe some couple's counseling can help?

This mustn't be the case at all.

thunderstorm

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 5:55 pm

amother wrote:

Let me guess: dh is not pleasant to live with and he and you have many conflicts about how to parent the children .
Maybe some couple's counseling can help?

I don't think that is necessarily true. Why would you say so?

amother

Mint

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 5:58 pm

I would be cautious about talking to him about zex ed while the wire is hot. He will pick up on the energy and it won't do him any good. What would you tell him anyway? That it's forbidden to touch himself? No.

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