12yo DS takes long showers

pause

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 8:26 pm

amother wrote:

You don't want to talk with your ds about what he is doing in the shower! That is a serious infringement on his privacy!
Let him be. You can limit showers because other people are waiting or because it's a waste of water. Even so, three minutes is really much too short.
I think the real problem here is your dh and not your ds. Dh is way too obsessed with your son's very private matters. Very unhealthy. Does dh show other troubling intrusive behaviours?
And yes, you should already have discussed the birds and the bees with your son. But at this stage there is no way you should directly question him as to what he does in the shower. Would you want to be directly questioned as to what you do in bed?
You can pass over your values and tell him it's best to try and abstain without ever suggesting that you suspect he is doing xyz at a certain time.
Your dh needs help though. What a nightmare for your son.

I didn't say she should talk about what he's doing in the shower! She just needs to talk to him. She may find him willing to talk about it or not. She should reassure him of what's normal for kids his age, and be open to the fact that this behavior might be only a part of a bigger picture. (I might be going out on a limb here, but it's worth keeping in mind that her son might need help whether because he's constantly struggling with this to an abnormal degree or whether he is a victim or bully of s-xual behavior. She needs to let him know that she won't punish him for sharing anything with her.)

Please! I hope people have more brains than direct questions regarding any kind of s-xual behavior.

Besides which, she may find out he simply enjoys long showers because they are relaxing...

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 8:56 pm

It can do horrible psychological damage for parents to be on top of whether their children touch self. It is best to turn a blind eye. Even if it is discussed it should be explained that it is an ideal to strive for not doing it, but that it is normal to not always overcome and the feelings are part of a gift from Hashem. . Rav Wolbe has a nice psychologically healthy approach in his Sefer which also explains puberty as a positive time when men can feel good that their body will later be able to have kids. All current mainstream Rabanim advise on non guilt inducing approach, even though boys should strive towards not doing it. Creating unhealthy guilt or a sense of being watched s-xually is likely to create shame around s-xuality and more mastirbation and s-xual issues - not less. Over- control and shaming always backfires. As an aside, long showers can occasionally be due to OCD as well, but often are just a way to relax. I love relaxing in hot water! But even if it is something else- he should not feel his parents are keeping track to him. That is just going to crate friction with his parents about being controlled and possible s-xual issues.

rivkam

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 5:31 am

amother wrote:

I love relaxing and taking hot long showers and no I don't do anything inappropriate in there . Why can't you let your son take a nice long shower?

Very true! Nowadays I don't have the time for it but as a teenager I would regularly shower for 30 mins to an hour. I found it so relaxing.

Zeleze

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 5:36 am

Small asvise. He should be spoken to by a close Rabbi or Yiddish teacher that his close to

Parents might "not" be in place to do so always, or the love or manner it will be said can do more harm then good.

A person experianced in Chinuch will do it correct and in a gentle manner.

A little Tehilim might also help, but give it also some time for him to grow a little older and things will sort it self out, many boys are the same. (from a family of many boys)

amother

Mint

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 5:50 am

Zeleze wrote:

Oy. I am inclined to be wary of such advice. Maybe because I dont trust that ppl who speak yidish or are in chinuch can do a good job of this.

imasoftov

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 10:37 am

Zeleze wrote:

Small asvise. He should be spoken to by a close Rabbi or Yiddish teacher that his close to

Had I gotten the relations talk from a rabbi or teacher, I would have become a runaway.

But I'm curious why a Yiddish language teacher would be the right person for the job, unless "Yiddish teacher" means "limmudei kodesh teacher", but then back to my first point.