Dc playing w/cousin who was exposed to stuff online?

amother

Khaki

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 12:57 pm

Disclaimer: my family -dh, I and kids- is frum on right end of spectrum, living in one of the frummer, non-chassidish communities.

Having said that, we both work online; have all non-frum family members. Raising kids age-appropriately, rather sheltered, meaning we explain things as they become relevant or kids are able to understand them, on their level. no tv, no secular literature except some kiddy books, yes Jewish videos.

I've been told that my kids' non-frum cousin who has unsupervised unfiltered internet access has recently been exposed to some facts of life, along with specific hip movements, by older schoolmates, and went online to search for "relations" info, found something inappropriate.

This kid has some impulsivity, self-control etc issues, in some ways acting way younger than his age.

In the past, he was teaching my then 5-6yo some foul words that he had picked up elsewhere. In the lecture format, like oh you know the difference btw b*ch and b*tch something like that.

I'm concerned that he may tell about some real garbage to my younger kids, who don't yet have seichel or self-control not to pass it on to their friends.

Said cousin comes to visit from out of town every few weeks with my mother who babysits him on hwr day off.
It complicates the matters that mother is attached to him almost physically and has been bringing him along for several years.
We don't normally visit her because trip is very hard on little babies. My parents and other relatives coming to visit us is a mutually agreed upon arrangement.
As it is, when I had to minimize his visits because of the wrecking effect they had on my kids and me, I was giving up partially on my relationship with my mother.

My mother doesn't know about his escapades online; otherwise being a very modest person, she'd understand my concern.

It's also a problem that this kid is presently out of school, has zero friends and is looking to my kids as his only friends more or less.

What would you do?

Ps please don't tell me who cares your kids will learn it sooner or later. Problem here is that "sooner" isn't age appropriate; and the fact that kid saw some unacceptable visual content, not just learnt facts of life, has poor self control, talks like there is no tomorrow etc; and my kids schools are quite conservative in terms of tv and stuff.

amother

Khaki

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 1:06 pm

tichellady wrote:

Do the kids play alone or with you and your mother around? Who told you about this boy’s behavior if it wasn’t your mother?

Kids are the age that they play by themselves, me being within hearing range. We live in a house with back yard so kids are all over the place.

The kid's mother actually told me about it, all of a sudden. She was raving about how bad his school was, what other kids taught him etc.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 1:33 pm

Your mother is very close to this grandchild and doesn't know about his issues???? Something is off here. She sure knows but looks away.

You don't need to expose your kids to this. You need to be open with your mother if you want your children not to have exposure to this. I would not expose my kids to unfiltered internet. That is a red flag. This kids out of school? Why? So many things wrong, don't give yourself problems you will regret. I think you see it yourself and you are scared to do the right thinng for fear of family reaction. Do what you think is right to your kids. It's the results you will have to deal with if you don't stop now.

amother

Khaki

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 1:47 pm

amother wrote:

Nothing is off, it's quite simple.

My sister lets kid go online on her computer, in their home. She realized from browsing history
or in a similar way what he had been looking for and seen.

My mother lives in her own place. Grandchild didn't do it in her presence, nor did he tell her about it. He didn't exactly volunteer this info to his mom either.

This is how mom knows and grandma doesn't.

I'm lucky sister told me, I don't even know what possessed her that she told me. She of course relies on her kid not to share this info with others. She generally lives in a la-la-land regarding her kid.

The thing is *I* can't rely on him.

And she said "oh, but of course please don't tell mom or anyone."

What should I do?? Ban the kid for 5 years?

Ftr, my relationship with my sister is supremely dysfunctional, and there is usually a fallout for me and my mother, as it is.

amother

Khaki

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 2:00 pm

amother wrote:

I'd stay far away. U should not give up on ur standards

I'd love to. How though?

"Oh mom by the way, no, I prefer that you please come again without my nephew. Right, he hasn't seen cousins in a month. Yea, and he really misses them. And they're his only friends in the whole world.
No, I don't know what you should tell him that again, you're coming to visit us without him. No, I cant tell you why. Just please trust me. No I'm not a total witch or nutcase."

ETA: I'm accepting hugs on this thread.

amother

Ruby

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 2:26 pm

This isn't about the internet, this is about a troubled child who is not being handled well. I would supervise closely. I know they're of an age where they don't need so much supervision but it seems like your only option here. When they get together, you are simply going to have to be more on top of things than you typically are. If you see things heading downhill, you nip it in the bud either by distraction or separation. But yeah, you cannot allow your kids to play with him unsupervised.

tichellady

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 3:14 pm

amother wrote:

I think I agree with this based on what the op wrote. It sounds like this is her best option

amother

Khaki

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 3:55 pm

amother wrote:

.

how to do it practically?

I can't literally physically follow them everywhere so I always hear the conversation.

Just as an aside question, why is it not about internet?
Are ppl ok letting their elementary-age kids play, with preteens who use internet without supervision?

amother

Ruby

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 4:54 pm

amother wrote:

You might have to do just that. Think of it like when you bring your toddlers to a home that isn't childproof. You have to spend the visit following the toddlers around in a way you don't need to do in your own home. It's exhausting, but it's what you need to do.

Aside from the fact that I don't actually know anyone who lets their kids use internet completely unsupervised (unfiltered yes, but not unsupervised), this isn't an internet issue. A kid could have unfettered access to the internet but have the discretion not to share everything they come across. Likewise, you could have a sheltered kid who blurts out every inappropriate thing the chance across. This is a behavior issue that has nothing to do with the internet, though the fact that his parents don't seem to have any control over his internet usage does seem to be part of a larger problem. But the point is, his behavior is a problem and you will need to watch your kids closely when interacting with him.

amother

Khaki

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 5:02 pm

amother wrote:

I hear you ruby, thank you for taking time to answer.

Thats why I don't like going out to other people's houses much with my babies and toddlers, that's hard.

I don't think it's possible to follow 7, 10yolds around though, it's more realistic to physically put them on a leash than be the *literal* helicopter mother who roamed around with he boys and plays with them together at all times, that's just nuts.

amother

Ruby

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 5:10 pm

amother wrote:

I also limit my visits to people when I have toddlers. But it can't always be avoided. You just go in expecting that it's going to be extra work for you. I think the best you could do here is always be in the same room as them. You can try to do that surreptitiously (like sit on the couch reading a book or something). At the end of the day, you really only have three possible options: let things continue as they are and expect them to pick up things you don't want them to; stop getting together entirely; "supervised visitation" as it were. None of them are very good, but I do think option c is your best bet.

amother

Khaki

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 5:20 pm

Boca00 wrote:

OP, maybe you can take the kids out somewhere or buy some activities or games you could all play together. This way you can be more hands-on.

Thank you, Boca. going out is a solution if I really must have them come. Though honestly, it's really hard, not pleasant and expensive. We did it a few times and he's really difficult to watch. Plus I'm at the stage when I prefer to stay home with little ones; and even cool hamoed or vacation sometimes husband takes big kids out and leaves me home, it's just so much easier for everyone.

Generally, They always come for several hours to visit in the house, approx. 12-4.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 6:12 pm

Op, you do know that this will not end well. Having your child exposed to stuff that any frum child is not exposed to as well as many secular parents is a huge red flag. You say so yourself, and you don't have the best relationship with your sister, and he's not frum how is this gonna be good for your child? Why are you subjecting your children to such a severe issue where you yourself know this is not good, I wish your school knew this, I would be horrified if I knew kids in my kids school are exposed to this!

I know this sounds extreme to many. But it's the truth for you, and I know this is hard but you need to watch out for your kids, sadly I hope your children don't already know stuff they will carry onto their classmates and bring this garbage to school.

Now I know why schools screen the parents so much. To vet this type of stuff out.

Now now, I am not saying they are not deserving of respect and that I would look down at them at all

All I'm saying is there are boundaries for our children and they are there for a reason.

A parent that's not frum needs to go to the communities that they fit in.

It clashes for everyone to do this. He probably is asking why he's not frum and his cousins are.

And your child is being exposed to this. I think it's irresponsible and you should let the school know this. It's unfair to do this to everyone!

You know it's wrong what your doing yet your looking for excuses