Do you return a MM to each person who gives

Chayalle

Tue, Feb 27 2018, 10:46 am

amother wrote:

Yes, you have to focus on giving, but it would be foolish to think no one is sensitive.

Realistically, many or most people are sensitive.

Im sure feelings are hurt every Purim because of not getting back MM, after giving.

If youre going on the premise that no one is sensitive, why not just give MM to the people you really like?

Because that's not the point of Purim.

When we were wrapping mm last night, DD (almost 10) told me she's not giving Rina, because they had a fight. I told her we will most certainly be going to Rina, and she has time to make up with her until Purim, and if not, then Purim is the perfect opportunity to reinstate their friendship. Purim is not about giving to whom we like - it's about being "Marbeh Reus" - spreading friendship and unity in Klal Yisrael.

But there's just so many ours in the day. And so much traffic. And crying kids. And other mitzvos that have to be done, and some of us have to get back in time to have a Purim Seuda heated and ready to serve. Some of us have 45 people coming to our Purim meal, and some, much more.

I'm going on the premise that we don't have to interpret our sensitivities negatively. We can be understanding and know that we are important to other people, but some years we make it over, and some years we don't.

It's important to me that my kids enjoy their Purim, and go to their teachers...some years, I make it to the friends that live near their teachers.

And some years, people show up that I wasn't expecting, and I give them my prepared mm, and at a certain point, I run out of extras. So the people coming after that are not people I don't care about; but I ran out of mm, and thought more of them than that they would think our friendship is based on a small basket of goodies.

amother

Beige

Tue, Feb 27 2018, 10:49 am

amother wrote:

Can we be honest here?

When someone comes and brings MM your mind processes what to do next.

If youre Machshiv the person and your relationship with them, you will either give them a MM or apologize profusely that you ran out of MM.

If youre not Machshiv the person and your relationship with them, youll say "Thank You".

You cant gauge the feelings people have for you if they return a MM, but you can gauge the feelings they have for you if they dont return one and dont apologize profusely, and dont give you first the following year.

Actually not. I don't want to get to that stage where I have the pressure to make hundreds. So I make for all the people I feel we need and want to give and when others give me I give a guenuine thank you, because I do appreciate it! If I'd give everyone I'm just aquaintances with it'll cost me a pretty penny.

amother

Lavender

Tue, Feb 27 2018, 11:33 am

amother wrote:

If I'd give everyone I'm just aquaintances with it'll cost me a pretty penny.

Usually just plain acquaintances dont bring you MM, unless youre a "community person".

If plain acquaintances come, theyre looking to be friendly, more than just "plain acquaintances ".

What I said earlier about being sensitive to others' sensitivities doesnt apply if youre a Rabbi with hundreds of people coming to you or a very highly social person who has hundreds going to them. Im talking about the Average Joe who doesnt have a hundred people coming to them.

I think if someone isnt returning a Mishloach Manos, after getting one, they should at least apologize that they dont have one to return.

amother

Blonde

Tue, Feb 27 2018, 12:44 pm

Oh man.. this discussion is making me very nervous! This is the first year that my family is hosting a huge party! Since we spent a good amount of $$$ on food, drinks, activities we decided to just give our 2 MM. So no returning for us Sad

although if someone stops by the house I will be offering them to come in for beer, nuts, popcorn. Now I'm nervous ppl will be disappointed when my kids walk around the community with nothing to give back! I'm a little shocked at how most ppl feel about this!!!

amother

Lavender

Tue, Feb 27 2018, 1:01 pm

amother wrote:

Whats wrong with politely explaining why you didnt put your energies into MM, so no one thinks youre only leaving them out...

"This is the first year that my family is hosting a huge party! ...."

amother

Royalblue

Tue, Feb 27 2018, 2:50 pm

We were on the wrong end of that one once and it was quite uncomfortable. We had moved out of town and lived in our house for 6 months. Come Purim, you of course plan to give neighbors on the block. One neighbor was an older couple, maybe in their 60s, and my husband was very friendly with the Mr. Purim morning we went over and the wife opened the door and didn’t even try not to look surprised. She rummaged in her cabinet and literally gave us an old pack of Lollys she found. No pretending, no apologies, nothing to make us feel comfortable.
We were so uncomfortable. They knew we had somewhat recently moved to the neighborhood, we lived directly across the street from them, and we had some shaychus...
After that you can bet we felt out of place with them.

naturalmom5

Tue, Feb 27 2018, 3:38 pm

amother wrote:

I HATE PURIM. Due to the nature of both my husbands and my own job, we can hundreds of elaborate nishiach Manos which I have nothing to do with . I buy bags and spend hours reassembling for people that show up as I can't regift these elaborate pieces. At some point I lock my door and let them leave it at the door and don't reciprocate at that point pretending not to be home. I just can't keep up. This year I think I'm checking out and going to in-laws out of town.

We go to Monsey every year. My husband's Rosh Yeshiva's family insists we come and would be angry if we didn't. But I always think bh, I couldn't handle the SM insanity.

Its pragmatic and sad at the same time.When I was little, things were so simple. The few bags with a hamentashen and home-made noent ( sort of like peanut brittle). The shul's Purim carnival and masqurade party. Megilla and a little seuda and thats it .. .My husband and I have such fond childhood memories.

Now things have become so insane and chaotic... Its a nitemare

Iymnok

Tue, Feb 27 2018, 4:01 pm

The halacha is to spend more on Matanos L'evyonimthsn Misloach Manos.

If you don’t plan on giving everyone who knocks, answer the door with a big smile, "thank you, (this is beautiful) have a freilichen Purim!"

Don’t give one if you weren’t planning on it. There is no chiyuv. Just self inflicted guilt trips.

MrsDash

Tue, Feb 27 2018, 4:02 pm

doctorima wrote:

We also prepare extras for this purpose. If somebody went out of their way to bring me one, I feel it's rude not to reciprocate. They don't have to know that they weren't on my original "list," but they shouldn't leave feeling like I don't want to give them even after they made the effort to come.

This^^^100%

shanie5

Sat, Mar 03 2018, 9:39 pm

We prepare 100 (simple) ones. Give to everyone in town. And we pray that not everyone gives back. We were actually thrilled this year that we have a lot less junk left after purim than usual!

People look forward to our MM because of our theme-costumes, mm, and poem. We don't want to disappoint by missing anyone.

We LOVE purim.