Explaining that we don't eat the kashrut at an event

amother

Lavender

Wed, Feb 28 2018, 1:02 pm

So I have a work event where the families are invited. The food there will be some basic level of kosher, but not mehadrin, and we are very strict on this. There will be other religious coworkers and their families eating the food, so I can't just say it isn't kosher. How do I explain to my 5 year old that she can't eat the food because of the kashrut, in a way that she can understand but that won't offend anyone else (the people at work who took care of the kosher food, and the other religious people who will eat it) if she repeats it or if I have to repeat it to her there. I especially don't want to create any ill will with my coworkers.

Thanks!

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Feb 28 2018, 1:21 pm

I tell my kids that we don’t eat that hechsher. It’s really simple. My daughter is five. She asked if we eat Cholov Stam. I said no. Doesn’t seem like it’s more complicated than that.

Some people eat it, some people don’t. We don’t.

heidi

Wed, Feb 28 2018, 1:24 pm

You need to distinguish between not mehadrin and not kosher. There's a world of difference. And you need to ask a rav if it's worth taking a chance of insulting well meaning co workers who you seem to care about. Five year olds repeat what they've been told. That's just the way it is. I'm guessing a competent rav would tell you to let the kid eat the kosher food and not risk insulting people.

BH5745

Wed, Feb 28 2018, 2:12 pm

heidi wrote:

I respect your opinion. Nonetheless I have an issue with your statement that "I'm guessing a competent rav would tell you to let the kid eat the kosher food and not risk insulting people." Have you ever consulted a Rov who holds by mehadrin standards of kashrus whether he would advise those who hold by such standards whether they can drop mehadrin temporarily so as not to risk offending others? I've been told by a Rov the situation is the opposite; we may only eat food cooked in kitchens that maintain our kashrus standards. You probably didn't intend to do so, but your statement can be taken as an insinuation that a Rov isn't competent if he doesn't advise lowering one's kashrus standards to accommodate the feelings of others.

Miri7

Wed, Feb 28 2018, 7:48 pm

BH5745 wrote:

One can also read it as saying “even a competent Rav”. Meaning not just any “Joe Schmo”

Different rabbeim will pasken differently on this - I have friends who’ve been told to let the young kids eat kosher food that isn’t to the standard maintained generally by the family.

So - ask your LOR

If you don’t ask, and don’t let your kids eat it, just explain that the food will be kosher and not mehadrin and that you eat mehadrin. That way they won’t say the food is Treif.

amother

Floralwhite

Wed, Feb 28 2018, 7:55 pm

My kids dont eat meat out of the house because we dnt. We instill pride and respect. They understand there is nothing wrong with other ppl for eating the other meat but we prefer to be extra careful and only use one butcher. As far as one or two candys that we heard is questionable-they know if they receive it and give it to us we'll replace it w something else. My kids would never say anything to anyone as they understand it is rude... I think it's all in ur approach. Be respectful!!

amother

Floralwhite

Wed, Feb 28 2018, 10:26 pm

heidi wrote:

Respect goes both ways...why do I need to respect your standards and have my child eat something that makes me uncomfortable but you dont have to respect my standards and allow me that privilege. If I was allergic it's ok but since you think I'm offending your kashrut standards it becomes a problem. I'm confident of the foods I choose to put in my mouth and I hope you are too. Noone should drop standards and no reason for ppl to take offense.

amother

Mint

Thu, Mar 01 2018, 12:18 am

Eating mehadrin doesn't mean there won't be anything to eat. You'll almost certainly be able to eat bread and pasta, non leafy vegetables, tuna, eggs, and drinks. It's actually hard to find those in non-mehadrin versions. So really it's meat or dairy (whichever is being served) and leafy vegetables that are your issue. I'd check in with the caterer and with a Rav.

heidi

Thu, Mar 01 2018, 12:23 am

amother wrote:

Ummm, I'm not going to be there. This is not my party. I am not OP's co worker. Why in the world would you make this personal?

weasley

Thu, Mar 01 2018, 12:07 pm

If it won't hurt anyone's feelings that's one thing. If it will IMO it is a question to ask a rav.

A family member once took us out to eat in a place where the hechshar was questionable. Dh called his rav who said just eat, dont say anything but don't go back there to eat.

Not hurting someone is in the Torah. In most cases it comes before additional standards that we like to uphold.

rivkam

Thu, Mar 01 2018, 12:38 pm

amother wrote:

I really like your idea of replacing anything questionable for your kids. Therefore they don't need to feel left out and they'll be happy to hold the kashrut standards you hold. It's important to explain it to children and walk through the scenario so they know what to expect.

Kids do make mistakes though and say things we would prefer they wouldn't say. It's important to not be hard on them for making a mistake but rather to explain later on how better to say things.

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, Mar 01 2018, 1:46 pm

I don’t see the whole thing as a big deal at all. We once landed up by someone for a shabbos meal and realized the kashrut wasn’t up to our standard. So we just stayed away from the foods that were problematic. We didn’t embarrass them - we ate, but we chose not to eat certain things. There’s also a way to be nonchalant about saying, “oh, we don’t eat that” as if it’s no big deal. Because really, it’s no big deal.

momX4

Thu, Mar 01 2018, 1:59 pm

I grew up going to many family parties where we didn't eat the food. We ate before we went. When we got there we we're told what we are allowed to eat.

My kids know they only eat our hechsher. We aren't that strict in hechsherim, it doesn't come up often. When we shop they are amazing at spotting the hechsher on the packaging.

SixOfWands

Thu, Mar 01 2018, 2:07 pm

Miri7 wrote:

This.

People here argue that you should consult your rabbi before you name your child. But somehow, its shocking to suggest that you ask your rabbi a real live halachic question -- at a public event, may my children eat food prepared under a hecksher that is generally considered reliable, but not one that we use? And, if so, may the adults also consume the food?

There are a lot of reasons that a competent rabbi (and I use the term advisedly) may permit it. Or not. But you never know until you ask.

amother

Salmon

Thu, Mar 01 2018, 5:20 pm

If this is in Israel, there is usually a (chareidi) mashgiach around. We ask them what is ok to eat. For example, in a hotel breakfast, bread, yogurts, other stuff I can't remember was fine. Eggs were a problem since they were being cooked by a non Jew so we could only eat if we somehow participated in the cooking, and we didn't want to do that.

At a wedding, again we asked and chicken was mehadrin while meat wasn't. (or maybe vice versa)

I go to a ton of events where we don't eat certain things. (we live OOT) My kids know to ask. Its funny when we go to my siblings simcha and my kids come up to me and ask me loudly if they are allowed to eat all the food.