I don't like my baby

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Mar 21 2018, 11:03 am

I'm hiding in the corner writing this. I feel so unappreciative and guilty and ashamed for writing this. I am so resentful of my youngest child. She wasn't planned and this stage is KILLING me. I actually wrote this same post about my middle but she outgrew the stage so I know this is temporary. She is 22 months old. She chases me around the house screaming and making messes. I feel like she rarely has redeeming qualities and just takes and takes. She communicates but still can't talk. I literally feel like a prisoner to her needs. "chips chips" and then dumps the whole bag. Screams for water and then spills it. I work full time, I have two older kids. My husband helps. I hate that I don't love her. Kvetch...kvetch...kvetch.. To be honest it takes everything I have to not scream and hit her. I don't hit her EVER but I just look at her and feel my blood boil. It feels enraging. I actually don't even yell at her cause the rational side of me knows she is a baby. I know people loose children so I feel ashamed I'm writing something so petty. I am appreciative I have her but right now with Pesach coming...I just CAN'T deal!!!

momnaturally

Wed, Mar 21 2018, 11:18 am

She probably senses your lack of love and affection and she is reacting to that.
Try to dress her cute and cuddle her the best you can. The more you do the easier she will get. Basically preempt her attention seeking.
If you really just can't, try to find someone to help you like a mothers helper even a young girl like 6 or 7 years old. The more attention she gets the calmer and happier she will be and less demanding.

enneamom

Wed, Mar 21 2018, 11:39 am

You don't have to give in to everything she asks for. You're her mother and you know her schedule and what's good for her. Spend a little time when you're calm just playing with her on the floor, no other pressures. Try to feed her healthy food every few hours, and that's it. You don't have to give her chips every time she asks for them. If she's being way too cranky, it's time for a nap in the crib. She might cry when you put her in, but that's what toddlers do when they're overtired. Love is important, but so are boundaries and structure.

amother

Ginger

Wed, Mar 21 2018, 12:32 pm

This is so painful for me to read. Shame on you. I don’t care what kind of mental illness you have because if you are able to write this coming into imamother then you can also go get help for your state of mind to learn to love your child. My baby was also not planned. I have the hardest pregnancy ever. Yet we excepted her with all our love and heart. I have never seen my dh cry so hard until he had to stop to catch his breath....yes our baby was born full term but passed away and reading what you wrote stirred up the needle in my heart. I am not being judgmental maybe I didn’t understand your post due to my personal pain but to me it’s seem what you saying is that because she was not planned you see it as nuisance to your life. Please forgive me. I don’t type on his much but this I had to say. How can you not love a 22 month old. I have toddler and love him so much and yes he makes mess, bothers my Pesach cleaning, taps me and gets angry at me. Why don’t you see life through your child’s view... hey my mom ignores me, doesn’t kiss me, hates me.....

I am sorry If I rubbed on u wrong way.

amother

Maroon

Wed, Mar 21 2018, 12:40 pm

amother wrote:

I'm sorry for what you went through.

She didn't say she didn't love her baby - she said she doesn't like her. That is not shameful - that's reality. (the back story that the baby wasn't planned isn't relevant really - not liking a difficult children is rather common).

Editing to add - I think the difficult times may be easier to manage when you have a planned for, davended for, baby - because despite the hardships you have the mantra in your mind "I asked for this". Sometimes that message is so strong, you don't even realize how difficult the situation is.

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Mar 21 2018, 12:53 pm

amother wrote:

I am sorry my post hurt you and exactly why I mentioned how irrational my feelings were. I am truly sorry for your pain. I think I wrote this post here cause to verbalize it publicly would be too shameful and this place seemed safe. I do love her. I read in a previous post that when she kvetches is when she needs o be hugged. I took that advice in the past and it r really does help but I am not always available to her ie when I am with the older kids. I guess it is the hardest when she is screaming and it's just too much. It feels when she is calling me that I can't please her. Shabbos morning, no stress, and it's great. It's usually mid week when I'm just exhausted and she just seems unpleaseable.

amother

Ginger

Wed, Mar 21 2018, 1:07 pm

amother wrote:

Thankyou for clarity but I reread OP post and she states “I hate that I don’t love her”. That’s painful for me to read. How, why, Of course I sometimes don’t like my kids behavior or hutzpadik talk We all have feelings but to expect so much from 22 months old is too much. At such young age Love is giving without expecting anything in return.
Op needs therapy. If she in Brooklyn I can recommend someone amazing calm nice lady

simcha2

Wed, Mar 21 2018, 1:23 pm

Every parent has stages that are harder to deal with. Some mothers love the newborn stage, others find it exhausting and difficult. Same with the toddler stage, and school age, and teenagers.

There is nothing wrong in saying I find this stage difficult and not fulfilling. The good thing is that, PG, they grow up and get to the next stage, which hopefully you'll find easier to enjoy. גם זה יעבר

amother

Denim

Wed, Mar 21 2018, 1:38 pm

amother wrote:

I'm sorry for your pain. But what you went through has nothing to do with the suffering of this amother. Having a child that wasn't planned can cause ppd. And that's probably the reason she doesn't like her kid and not b/c she wasn't planned. I mean really how can someone not like a little kid. I would like any kid even not my own. Only not when I'm depressed.
Again I'm sorry your pain Hug

. But it's a different type of situation. I don't think we should judge her

elisheva25

Wed, Mar 21 2018, 1:43 pm

I think be patient with yourself . We online can’t know if you are depressed or not. It could very well be, that you are just not a babies person. In that case you need to just pull through till she turns 4. A lot of moms don’t love babies. Doesn’t mean we don’t love our kids. Don’t be ashamed. Recognize your strengths. Do make sure you have time for yourself, this way you will be tolerant with your toddler. Chances are she just wants a mommy who will hold her. Just giving her attention that’s undivided few times a day. Hug her. Maybe she will tantrum less. Look bottom line is 22 months can be a hard age . But you will be ok Smile

)))

3mitzvos

Wed, Mar 21 2018, 2:10 pm

I can't believe people are bashing on the OP... How could you write "shame on you"? The OP is experiencing real feelings and you can't blame a person for how she feels! You can only blame someone for the actions they take as a result of those feelings. In this case, the OP realizes that there is a problem here and clearly wants to be a good mother who loves her child. (BTW, I'm pretty sure that OP loves her child and is just experiencing a difficult time with a challenging kid... OP already said that she does love her child.) OP has every right to express her feelings and reach out for some support and suggestions. Her pain is a different pain from the pain of a mother who has lost a child, obviously, and we are not comparing the two. To blame her for feeling this way is just wrong! Baruch Hashem that you don't have a child who is so difficult for you that you sometimes question your love or feel like you're going to explode and Baruch Hashem that you don't suffer from a mental illness that darkens your life experience.

OP - I think there are some good suggestions here. I definitely think putting her in school would help. Also, an extra pair of hands might be great. Maybe there's a teenage girl who can come by in the afternoons to occupy your daughter and/or help you around the house or with the other kids. About therapy - if you feel really stressed out, feel that the child's behavior is not warranting your reactions and feelings, and feel like you can't cope with the stress, then that sounds like a good idea. There are also parenting books and classes that might help you out.