S/o bas mitzva present for girl that has everything

amother

Seashell

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 11:46 am

amother wrote:

Do the parents of kids that have everything realize what kind of life they are setting up for their kids? Do kids really need everything materialistic to be happy in life? IMHO these kids can't even be happy. There's always more to want. To me it seems like the parents are substituting their presence and time with stuff.

You know - I grew up with a girl - oldest of three, had everything. Parents were busy professionals.

She is now married with 4 children, very happy successful professional herself.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 11:54 am

I absolutely agree.

For many years, DD had a friend who lived around the corner from us. The friend had very wealthy parents who both worked, and the girl had everything you could imagine. She lived in a big, gorgeous Victorian house.

We were quite poor, but B'H had what we needed. We had a tiny, run down cottage house. I was (and still am) chronically ill, so I was always home when DD needed me.

One day, the wealthy friend came over, and told me and DD that she was jealous of us. DD asked her why, and the girl said "You always have your mom, and you do lots of art stuff and have fun. You get to cook together and everything, and I just get thrown out of the kitchen."

The friend didn't care that she had every American Girl doll ever made, complete with all accessories, or that she got weekly horse riding lessons. She wanted a mom!

amother

Violet

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 12:12 pm

I am the mom that kids would say they wished I was theirs. Also, my kids have much more than their peers. It is not mutually exclusive.

My kids don't want more and more. It doesn't work like that. I don't substitute love for things. They are loved, and they have things. Things do not mean they are loved.

My kids were never given a gift because another one got. That is where entitled brats come from. And adults that whine they want their in-laws' money. My kids were encouraged to share at a young age.

My kids have a regular chore list. They must help out in the house additionally as needed. They also must keep their room clean and organized even though we a cleaning lady.

They are kind and generous. They volunteer their time without me promoting. I regularly hear compliments about their midis.

amother

Purple

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 12:57 pm

I agree that u don't have to be poor to be a good parent. However I think op is saying something else also, that super spoiled kids kind of have their life "ruined" for them. There are levels to this but I'm currently working in a very very wealthy community. The amount of ppl who are having affairs and doing drugs is heartbreaking and astonishing. But I totally see it as stemming from this. Nothing in life has meaning, nothing is thrilling, nothing is hard earned and cherished. I'm talking literally 100s of thousands on vacations at the drop of a hat, the latest xyz the day it's available, full time help... These are lovely people! But nothing has meaning.
And it's so sad.

amother

Scarlet

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 1:01 pm

amother wrote:

This.

I understand the need to assume that because my kids are materially well taken care of it must mean they are lacking in some other area. My kids are well taken care of emotionally too and we place a very high emphasis on middot. Both dh and I volunteer our time in community organizations. Our kids see that and also regularly volunteer their help (babysitting, setting up that kiddush in shul, being a group leader on Shabbat morning).

Our children know you don't get everything you want just because you want it. They know they are expected to go to college and earn a parnassa. They know everything comes from Hashem.

I understand the need to put others down. But no, my kids having lots of "things" doesn't mean they are entitled, doesn't mean they are emotionally neglected, doesn't mean they have bad middot and doesn't mean they don't have yirat Shamayim. It just means I can afford to buy them a cool new game, or a bike, or fancy bedroom furniture. No more, and no less.

(Incidentally, we don't spend on designer clothing, fancy cars, strollers etc. We pay full tuition (and donate to the schools) and have never received money for buying a house)

amother

Violet

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 1:40 pm

amother wrote:

DH and I were talking about this today. There was an article about drug use in modern orthodox communities. We don't have this here, only among dropouts.

There is something to be said for not exposing children.

This is why I like living in a sheltered community.

salt

Tue, Apr 24 2018, 3:50 am

amother wrote:

The MO community also considers people who turn to drugs drop-outs.
Every community has it's dropouts, unfortunately.

amother

Violet

Tue, Apr 24 2018, 6:00 am

salt wrote:

The MO community also considers people who turn to drugs drop-outs.
Every community has it's dropouts, unfortunately.

Drugs are more prevalent in the MO community. We looked at an MO school for DC and was confidentially told by a Rebbe there that my kid was a good kid - don't send there because there were too many drugs there. 14 kids were expelled last May some right before graduation. That's more than some random dropouts.

Unfortunately, the more widespread exposure leads to imitation. When you are never exposed, rarely is this figured out on your own.

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Apr 24 2018, 6:13 am

Stereotype much? I was "the girl who had everything" and no, I didn't grow up spoiled and entitled. My parents did work long hours but we still had plenty of quality time together and I did not feel neglected at all and never confused my nanny for a parent (though I loved her very much- we're still in touch). My mom has been president of the Sisterhood at her shul for 20 years (seriously, she's so good at it she keeps being re-elected) and my father has been part of the shul board for many years as well, and is always one of the guys setting up the Kiddush). So I always had a great example of of serving the community. My parents had high expectations of me, I didn't get away with bad behavior. They said no when they felt it necessary. My parents did get divorced when I was young which was of course sad for me, but it didn't get nasty at at all (even though there was so much money involved). I did choose a more toned down sort of life for myself and my family (even though I didn't have to) because I'm more down to earth and not fancy at all. But I don't think my upbringing messed me and my priorities up at all.