S/O to ‘Good enough parenting’

amother

Burgundy

Wed, May 02 2018, 8:46 am

Some suggestions really useful, some of them not really good, some outright bad/dangerous or bordering on child neglect.

Between the lines one could see a subtle or not so subtle message of ‘let me get some rest/get them out of my hair/I don’t have patience/I”forget” to remind and similar.

Some of these posters have at least a couple of children or more and some of them give the impression of having quite a few within a short time frame (20 month child and then a baby after that as an example)

Parenting is extremely hard. And no parent is perfect. But if you see that you clearly can’t cope to do adequate parenting with the work load that you have already, then why pushing for a another one and yet another? Why this mad rush to have as many children as possible within the shortest possible time frame at all costs even if you at breaking point.

Anon or I risk to be burned at the stake before sundown.

simba

Wed, May 02 2018, 9:08 am

Stakes come out after sundown tonight so you are safe for a bit!
Listen, everyone had their own values. If eating healthy is important to you you would sacrifice for that and if connection to your spouse is of utmost value to you the sacrifices would be different. For those that see child bearing/raising as the most valuable gift in the world they will make shortcuts (danger aside) to make that possible. It's all in your priorities and no one expects you to have the same ones as they do.

elisheva25

Wed, May 02 2018, 9:08 am

Oh no !
People will not like your comment
Sounds extremely judgemental
I didn’t real that thread in detail at all, but who cares if mothers with few small kids take short cuts to make their life easier now ? What’s it to you if she serves frozen pizza too many times or kids don’t always brush their teeth ? Yeah ok house will look a little too hectic but Iy”H those things those don’t matter in the long run . If someone could have many children there is definitely a beauty there and much nachas in the olden years
There was an amazing true story article that you should read in this weeks past Ami. The character felt that she was the perfect parent, always there for her kids, bedtime story every night, husband in Kollel and she the martyr . Through the years she always judged her Neighboor for too lax of attitude in raising kids, and she was sure if her kids go OTD it’s because that mother isn’t doing it right. Lo and behold, at the end it’s her own son who was a star ⭐️ in yeshiva, goes OTD and divorces his wife as a young adult
Lesson learned on her part.

SuperWify

Wed, May 02 2018, 9:10 am

Parenting is a full time job and it’s definitely ok to take a shortcut now and then. For example, not do home work once a week, or sandwiches Thursday night or skip baths one night. but yes, some things I read on the thread were very disturbing.

Unfortunately, while not everyone is cut out to be a parent of multiple children- or even of one child- we were raised to believe that the ultimate goal of a Jewish woman is to be a super mom of lots and lots of offspring.

giselle

Wed, May 02 2018, 9:26 am

elisheva25 wrote:

Read the thread...

amother

Wine

Wed, May 02 2018, 9:34 am

You sound like my sil. Her house is perfect, can lick off her floors, laundry folded perfectly in the drawer the second it cones out of the dryer, 3 course meal every night......... Except that shes a judgmental b**** of a women and a mother. So yup you sound just like her

elisheva25

Wed, May 02 2018, 9:35 am

giselle wrote:

Read the thread...

Ok I read that thread and this is what I see. There are some young mothers who are just not so aware of some safety issues. It’s def not bad parenting neither is it neglect. I am older now, my kids are older and I could say now I wouldn’t do some things menthioned in that thread in regards to safety, but it wasn’t because I am a bad parent , I just didn’t think so much into it ... didn’t know any better . Life is a learning experience. There was one post that was alarming. It was either a fake post or one mother who needs help. But overall, I think we as Jewish mothers are amazing, and should love ourself and each other and the work that we are doing is for generations to come .

Chayalle

Wed, May 02 2018, 9:37 am

Maybe we need a spinoff for "not good enough" parenting. A couple of examples of parenting that is not good enough, in my book:

*leaving a toddler unsupervised in the bath

*never cleaning up the house to some sort of decent level of cleanliness

*total lack of cooperation/shared responsibility of child's education between parents and school (I said total lack; not, h.w. didn't happen due to an emergency or need for a once-in-a-while break; age and maturity of child, and their ability to perform on their own, factor in here.)

*not offering enough food/meals to children; allowing them to totally subsist on junk

*lack of available clean clothing for them to wear

SuperWify

Wed, May 02 2018, 9:39 am

Chayalle wrote:

Good list but you forgot to mention bathing the children once a week only.

keym

Wed, May 02 2018, 9:43 am

I started that thread to be able to share good enough techniques.
Sandwiches or pizza once a week for supper, washing not folding laundry, screen time sometimes, no baths EVERY night, white bread for the tuna instead of whole wheat, snacking during car rides, whatever.
The tips that regular families, not disfunctional ones need to get through the day.
I was a bit personally horrified at some of the shortcuts.
So yes I agree in theory OP somewhat.
If a mother has her act together mostly but doesnt fold the clean laundry, it wouldnt horrify me if she has another kid. But some of the other examples- no homework, no real cooking, never cleaning would bother me if she chose to keep having more kids in that situation.

Chayalle

Wed, May 02 2018, 9:46 am

amother wrote:

I don't think bathing just one a week is negligence. for me that's minimum, less is negligence. I've done it and my kids don't get sick more often then other kids.

It's not about getting sick; it's about being clean.

Chayalle

Wed, May 02 2018, 9:47 am

SuperWify wrote:

Good list but you forgot to mention bathing the children once a week only.

My list is not all inclusive. I totally agree with you that that would be not good enough!

thunderstorm

Wed, May 02 2018, 9:48 am

I honestly believe that the "neglect" , especially in terms of safety, that we often read on here comes from a laid back attitude . It's not coming from not being able to manage .
I am more of a high strung , anxious kind of person , so safety is very big on my list. Some people think I "over do it" in the safety department. I honestly can't stand at a school bus stop and watch other people's kids unsupervised running across the street to go on the bus. It makes me tense and worried.
I sometimes wish I wasn't such a careful , worrier. But I am, and that's me.
Other people trust their kids more, and are also just more at ease in general. They don't see danger lurking everywhere . They allow their toddlers to walk along alone while I'm gripping my kids hand tightly. It's a nature of a person.
I think it's wrong to blame a mother for not being capable of taking care of her kids. She just needs to learn that being laid back can't happen with a toddler.

***sorry thought this was a spinoff on my toddler ran into the street thread, disregard***

Last edited by thunderstorm on Wed, May 02 2018, 9:52 am; edited 1 time in total

keym

Wed, May 02 2018, 9:49 am

SuperWify wrote:

Good list but you forgot to mention bathing the children once a week only.

We have had this argument before. Ages and cultural.
Personally my goal is 4 baths/week under 9, 5-6 over 9. If we miss one a week no big deal.
But I shower just about every night.
But some people dont, werent raised as such etc.
So bathing cant be objective.
But I agree with Chayalla's list. 100%.
Basic feeding clothing cleaning etc should be basic.

zohar

Wed, May 02 2018, 9:49 am

I read the thread. Only two comments were problematic. One where the mother is probably a wonderful mother but was/is unaware she was don't something dangerous. The other one was problematic not because of one specific thing she does, but it seems like there is no structure in the house and it's at least mildly disfunctional. The rest all fall under "good enough" parenting. Even if it's not something you personally would be ok with. Everyone has their own priorities.

amother

Bronze

Wed, May 02 2018, 10:01 am

if it makes you feel better we do twice a week now Wink

and have for some time. My kids wear clean clothing, brush and floss their teeth, brush their hair and yes it's been discussed before on imamother. Signing off to go back to my job as a mommy Wink

SuperWify

Wed, May 02 2018, 10:08 am

keym wrote:

4 baths a week make sense. I’m not judging you. (Except I think younger children need more then older, but that’s my opinion.) I’m talking about those that bathe young children Thursday night or Friday only.
I’m not saying it’s dangerous- in different cultures as you mentioned or the olden says, they barely bathed- I’m saying it’s off. When a child comes to school every day with a dirty face and sticky hair and a strange odor you wonder where his parents are.

amother

Jade

Wed, May 02 2018, 10:11 am

amother wrote:

I don't think bathing just one a week is negligence. for me that's minimum, less is negligence. I've done it and my kids don't get sick more often then other kids.

It has absolutely nothing to do with sickness.

These are human beings. Human beings feel absolutely disgusting -- and smell disgusting too! -- if they bathe only once a week.

And if you are that mother that posted about having the kids fall asleep in front of TV with no pjs, well then, let me suggest that you seek help. I grew up in such a home -- didn't own PJs until I got married! -- and now that I am older and removed from the situation, WOW! that home was dysfunctional! Only difference is that it was actually CLEAN.

Don't do this to your kids. If you are depressed, abused, or just not mentally well, seek help. Kids don't deserve this treatment.

keym

Wed, May 02 2018, 10:18 am

SuperWify wrote:

4 baths a week make sense. I’m not judging you. (Except I think younger children neemore then older, but that’s my opinion.) I’m talking about those that bathe young children Thursday night or Friday only.
I’m not saying it’s dangerous- in different cultures as you mentioned or the olden says, they barely bathed- I’m saying it’s off. When a child comes to school every day with a dirty face and sticky hair and a strange odor you wonder where his parents are.

True. And I wonder what other peoples reality is. But to me nonbath nights still need hands and faces washed and hair combed.
And 4 night sounds little until I say Sun, Mon, Wed, and Fri. Thats actually frequently.
The reason over 9 bathes more is because its a long term habbit to develop and it doesnt require my participation or even supervision on my part.