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-> Parenting our children
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amother
Chartreuse
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 Wed, May 02 2018, 1:21 pm
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Ok yes I hear you. I try not to do that more than twice a week although in my case it's more bec I can only fight with them so many times. Also Chayalle thanks for making me feel better about pizza bagels!
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Chayalle
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Wed, May 02 2018, 1:25 pm
| amother wrote: | | Ok yes I hear you. I try not to do that more than twice a week although in my case it's more bec I can only fight with them so many times. Also Chayalle thanks for making me feel better about pizza bagels! |
Supplement with some cut fresh veggies, and you're more than good enough!
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das
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Wed, May 02 2018, 1:32 pm
The importance of being clean and neat and combed and fresh clothing every day and fresh pjs and baths and warm dinners as a family for a child's emotional health cannot be overstressed. Oh, and living in clean quarters.
When a child goes to sleep at night in clean pyjamas in a neat room with his/her briefcase in order, and it's quiet...well, how does he/she feel compared to a kid who slides into an unmade bed having not bathed in days, possibly still in clothing, with the house in a disarray.
It's not just about physically being clean but the effect on a child's emotional well being as well.
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saw50st8
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Wed, May 02 2018, 1:44 pm
We wear wrinkles. I just got a steamer so that when my kids actually care, they can steam their clothing if they want.
I only serve my kids snacks for dinner on rare occasion. Yesterday, we were traveling all day and the kids only wanted snacks, not sandwiches. So dinner was pirate booty and cashews. They'll live :-)
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Bnei Berak 10
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Wed, May 02 2018, 1:59 pm
| das wrote: | The importance of being clean and neat and combed and fresh clothing every day and fresh pjs and baths and warm dinners as a family for a child's emotional health cannot be overstressed. Oh, and living in clean quarters.
When a child goes to sleep at night in clean pyjamas in a neat room with his/her briefcase in order, and it's quiet...well, how does he/she feel compared to a kid who slides into an unmade bed having not bathed in days, possibly still in clothing, with the house in a disarray.
It's not just about physically being clean but the effect on a child's emotional well being as well. |
I think a lot of teachers will agree with you. Those children who have set schedules after school with proper food at home, going to sleep on time, and in general a stable environment are doing better in school and have better results. Children from dysfunctional homes, teachers can see it.
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moonmama
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Wed, May 02 2018, 3:16 pm
I think the point of the original thread was to help mothers feel better about whatever shortcuts they use. Whilst I would agree some of them bordered on the disfunctional, I don’t know if it is fair, as the original poster of this thread may have suggested, to imply that “ too many kids” when it leads to benign neglect in certain areas is a reason to have less kids.
Personally I have 8 kids k”ah. It is just not possible to be so geshikt in every area. If you are clean, super organized, picture perfect home and kids etc, chances are you are neglecting something else, maybe kid time, maybe “me time”.
I serve a homecooked healthy supper most nights, mostly keep on top of the laundry, get the house basically clean and organized, make a point of interacting positively with my kids, give attention, etc.
I also neglect a lot of things, for my sanity, that other mothers might balk at. This is good for all of us in my family. If it is not adversely affecting the children physically or socially, not harming shalom bayis, then I think the original thread was all about helping mothers drop the guilt, drop the image that we all have to be superwomen who do it all. It was simply celebrating the idea if mom is calmer then everyone will be better for it.
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amother
Firebrick
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Wed, May 02 2018, 3:19 pm
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excuse my ignorance but what is tradition soup? I hope it is not traditional chicken soup- I always concidered that healthy (and my kids LOVE it and eat it almost every other night). my freezer is stocked with liters and liters of chicken soup and I just add veggis, pasta, brown rice, knaydlach or kreplach...its usually their first course (IF second dish is fleishigs or parve)
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amother
Mauve
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Wed, May 02 2018, 3:23 pm
| amother wrote: | | excuse my ignorance but what is tradition soup? I hope it is not traditional chicken soup- I always concidered that healthy (and my kids LOVE it and eat it almost every other night). my freezer is stocked with liters and liters of chicken soup and I just add veggis, pasta, brown rice, knaydlach or kreplach...its usually their first course (IF second dish is fleishigs or parve) |
also comes in "chicken"
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amother
Sapphire
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Wed, May 02 2018, 4:41 pm
| amother wrote: | | Ok...but they do reccomend bringing children in every six months for checkups And thorough cleaning, etc. do you check for cavities? I’ve also never had a cavity and I’m 32, but my kids do have...And it’s important to catch dentsl problem early before they get worse. |
I know that's what they say, but I'd really like to understand more. It costs $100+ for the dentist to glance in my kid's mouth. Is this really necessary?
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amother
Bronze
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Wed, May 02 2018, 4:43 pm
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can you get dental insurance? it might be worth it if your insurance doesn't come with dental.
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giselle
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Wed, May 02 2018, 4:48 pm
| amother wrote: | | excuse my ignorance but what is tradition soup? I hope it is not traditional chicken soup- I always concidered that healthy (and my kids LOVE it and eat it almost every other night). my freezer is stocked with liters and liters of chicken soup and I just add veggis, pasta, brown rice, knaydlach or kreplach...its usually their first course (IF second dish is fleishigs or parve) |
Ha 
See above photo
Your soup sounds super healthy!
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pause
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Wed, May 02 2018, 5:22 pm
| das wrote: | The importance of being clean and neat and combed and fresh clothing every day and fresh pjs and baths and warm dinners as a family for a child's emotional health cannot be overstressed. Oh, and living in clean quarters.
When a child goes to sleep at night in clean pyjamas in a neat room with his/her briefcase in order, and it's quiet...well, how does he/she feel compared to a kid who slides into an unmade bed having not bathed in days, possibly still in clothing, with the house in a disarray.
It's not just about physically being clean but the effect on a child's emotional well being as well. |
I understand your point. Well-run homes with routine, etc.
But
Reading this thread is annoying me.
A- For some people that one more or one less bath is the difference between yelling at the kids or not. It's way more important for the child's emotional health to have a mother who is emotionally and physically available and present. Same is with the clean house and the warm dinners, etc. Not everyone can do everything and feeling pressured to do it all creates exactly the situation we don't want: a stressed home with a neglectful mother who is busy cleaning, bathing, dressing, and cooking.
So we have many women I know who are top-notch homemakers. They don't dare neglect all the physical things of running their home because that's what people see and that's how they'll be judged by the neighbors and family members. So they're busy running around and making sure the kid has just the right color bow to match the dress for the sake of the child's emotional health, but they don't take EMOTIONALLY care of the child.
(Now I know it doesn't have to be an either/or situation but often it's about priorities and where we focus our energies.)
B- I love how some people decide that 4 baths is the minimum while pizza bagel is a good enough supper. Who says? What if *I* say that I'd rather do 3, or 2, baths, and serve something wholesome? To many mothers, pizza bagels for supper is akin to not feeding their child. White flour, sugar-laden ketchup, and fully processed dairy. And to them this is even more horrifying than *only* 3 baths a week!!! And to other people, they'd rather use the time to iron the kids' shirts so that they look "just so".
And unmade beds? I've mentioned it on imamother already: I almost never make beds. (I do it l'kovod shabbas.) I see no point in doing something that takes time out of my hectic morning. When I have extra time, I do it for myself because I like how it looks. Otherwise, I close the door to the room and presto, the house is neat. My kids do not sleep better on the days that their bed is made. They couldn't care less; they wouldn't even notice it. I promise they'd rather I use those extra two minutes to tuck them in at night than to make their bed in the morning once they're out of bed.
My point is, there is no universal definition of "good enough" and we can't pretend to make one.
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amother
Chocolate
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Wed, May 02 2018, 7:01 pm
Just wanted to say that almost all the posts were "hugged" and the feeling is really bad. And sad.
Apart from the dangerous posts, if you don't agree with the posters, it means you didn't understand the topic of that specific thread.
Thanks for being so judgmental 
Anon because I was hugged although I do bath my kids everyday lol.
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dancingqueen
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Wed, May 02 2018, 7:08 pm
| amother wrote: | Some suggestions really useful, some of them not really good, some outright bad/dangerous or bordering on child neglect.
Between the lines one could see a subtle or not so subtle message of ‘let me get some rest/get them out of my hair/I don’t have patience/I”forget” to remind and similar.
Some of these posters have at least a couple of children or more and some of them give the impression of having quite a few within a short time frame (20 month child and then a baby after that as an example)
Parenting is extremely hard. And no parent is perfect. But if you see that you clearly can’t cope to do adequate parenting with the work load that you have already, then why pushing for a another one and yet another? Why this mad rush to have as many children as possible within the shortest possible time frame at all costs even if you at breaking point.
Anon or I risk to be burned at the stake before sundown. |
ITA and was taken aback by some of the posts on that thread and the op of the toddler running into the street thread. And I’m not a supermom and think pizza is a fine dinner, but parents need to teach their kids basic hygiene including teeth brushing and baths. I’m also curious about having so many kids if it’s so hard to manage, but it’s probsbly just because of community norms.
Kids need baths at least 3 times a week because they get sticky and dirty and their tushies and private parts need it.
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amother
Royalblue
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Wed, May 02 2018, 7:15 pm
From the American Academy of Dermatology:
Children ages 6 to 11: Guidelines for bathing
If your child is in this age group, taking a daily bath is fine. Children in this age group, however, may not need a daily bath. Children aged 6 to 11 need a bath:
At least once or twice a week.
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends that babies younger than 1 have a full bath three times a week or less (any more than that can dry out a infant's skin).
Parents magazine recommends giving your baby a sponge bath once or twice a week, especially if they aren’t walking.
...so much of what is considered "neglectful" is just cultural differences and community norms.
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SuperWify
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Wed, May 02 2018, 7:42 pm
Ok ladies. Enough of this bath talk. I’m sorry for bringing this age old argument up.
I don’t care if your child is bathed only in Rosh Chodesh (as long as he isn’t my student). My child will smell clean.
Nuff said. Now, can someone answer OPs question. If you look up thread, I’m the only one who did and I’m not qualified because I have only one kid.
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amother
Bronze
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Wed, May 02 2018, 7:47 pm
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superwifey- your post made me LOL- my dh asked me what was so funny!
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giselle
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Wed, May 02 2018, 8:18 pm
| pause wrote: | I understand your point. Well-run homes with routine, etc.
But
Reading this thread is annoying me.
A- For some people that one more or one less bath is the difference between yelling at the kids or not. It's way more important for the child's emotional health to have a mother who is emotionally and physically available and present. Same is with the clean house and the warm dinners, etc. Not everyone can do everything and feeling pressured to do it all creates exactly the situation we don't want: a stressed home with a neglectful mother who is busy cleaning, bathing, dressing, and cooking.
So we have many women I know who are top-notch homemakers. They don't dare neglect all the physical things of running their home because that's what people see and that's how they'll be judged by the neighbors and family members. So they're busy running around and making sure the kid has just the right color bow to match the dress for the sake of the child's emotional health, but they don't take EMOTIONALLY care of the child.
(Now I know it doesn't have to be an either/or situation but often it's about priorities and where we focus our energies.)
B- I love how some people decide that 4 baths is the minimum while pizza bagel is a good enough supper. Who says? What if *I* say that I'd rather do 3, or 2, baths, and serve something wholesome? To many mothers, pizza bagels for supper is akin to not feeding their child. White flour, sugar-laden ketchup, and fully processed dairy. And to them this is even more horrifying than *only* 3 baths a week!!! And to other people, they'd rather use the time to iron the kids' shirts so that they look "just so".
And unmade beds? I've mentioned it on imamother already: I almost never make beds. (I do it l'kovod shabbas.) I see no point in doing something that takes time out of my hectic morning. When I have extra time, I do it for myself because I like how it looks. Otherwise, I close the door to the room and presto, the house is neat. My kids do not sleep better on the days that their bed is made. They couldn't care less; they wouldn't even notice it. I promise they'd rather I use those extra two minutes to tuck them in at night than to make their bed in the morning once they're out of bed.
My point is, there is no universal definition of "good enough" and we can't pretend to make one. |
I was recently having this discussion. I think norms are definitely cultural (not including danger or real neglect which should never happen). It’s important that children fit in to some extent. For example if a child actually smells due to showering infrequently, that’s not ok. Just one example, not picking on any posters here. But even within cultures, norms vary. For example, I’d never consider tradition soup an ok meal ever. But I don’t doubt that Chayelle is a great parent, based on her posts. And I probably do some things that she would never consider ok. (I think we’re somewhat in the same circles.) Its a complex topic bec where do we draw the line? Houses don’t have to be spotless, but at what point is it unhealthily messy and dysfunctional? Dinner doesn’t have to always be a home cooked meal, but at what point are your children not getting fed properly? If there’s one thing I’ve learned from imamother is how diverse we all are.
I know I’m not addressing the op. It’s too controversial for me to write my opinion on this... 😬
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amother
Emerald
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Wed, May 02 2018, 8:20 pm
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I’ll risk being ousted to answer op and all curious readers. I read this thread this morning and it’s been irking me all day. Here’s my story, hope I can say it all: I’m one of 11 ka”h. I had an amazing childhood and wanted the same for my family. I did grow up with some Sitter-trauma so I resolved to never send my kids to sitters. After #5 was born I just couldn’t do it anymore. It was emotionally and physically more than I could handle. Most of my kids have some form of add and learning issues. My husband was always at work when I needed him, especially during morning and evening routine so I was on survival mode. Hashem blessed me with one more. Did I mention I got pregnant with 3 of them on birth control? Not everything is in our hands. My oldest will be turning 15 this summer and my youngest 3. I am slowly stepping out of survival mode. One thing is certain. Remember that quote-either you have a clean house, a calm mother or yummy dinners? Yup, we always have at least one of those. Baths 1-2 times a week. Fresh yummy healthy dinners every night. That’s my thing. I used to sit and play with my kids for hours. No homework. Don’t believe in it. If the teachers want to know if the kids know their work, let them spend the last 10 min doing it in class. Does that answer for you?
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pause
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Wed, May 02 2018, 9:42 pm
| dancingqueen wrote: | ITA and was taken aback by some of the posts on that thread and the op of the toddler running into the street thread. And I’m not a supermom and think pizza is a fine dinner, but parents need to teach their kids basic hygiene including teeth brushing and baths. I’m also curious about having so many kids if it’s so hard to manage, but it’s probsbly just because of community norms.
Kids need baths at least 3 times a week because they get sticky and dirty and their tushies and private parts need it. |
Says you. You weren't voted in as the one to set THE rules.
You're entitled to think that pizza is a fine dinner and that kids should be bathed at least 3 times a week. But you don't get to decided that this is what all kids must have, and if they get bathed only twice a week then their mother is neglectful.
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