Need help from experienced mothers of teen daughters please!

amother

Denim

Sun, May 06 2018, 8:52 pm

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses! They are so helpful. I feel like I have some good ways to handle the situation and grow from the experience, thank you.

If any experienced mothers have some advice about her new comparing mindset, I would love your help. She is obviously comparing because of a desire to feel accepted and "with it", and highschool can feel so competitive. I so sympathize with that. But she has become resistant to our previously open, warm conversations about peer pressure and friends, and now just insists we dont give her enough and gives passive aggressive comments. I am finding myself constantly triggered, and I am becoming resentful. I used to feel so much warmth flowing between us, but it feels like now she has replaced this good flow with a search for peer approval that makes me never quite good enough... Does that make sense? This skirt incident is about so much more than a skirt, which I would happily buy her...

amother

Yellow

Sun, May 06 2018, 8:57 pm

Op, she sounds like a normal teen who knows what to say to trigger you. OP, you sound like an awesome person!

The truth is that no matter how much money you had, you in all probability would NOT give her unlimited funds, so you would be hearing variations of the same complaint! We can expect some complaining from our teens. That being said, you want to make sure that she does have adequate clothing that you approve of. I agree with the above poster who mentioned that you may need to go along on the shopping trips from now on. Although I HATE shopping with the teens, it is much easier to reject something in the store than once they bring it home.

In addition, once home I usually ask my girls to on the new clothing, ostensibly for them to show off to my husband, and that gives me another opportunity to see what needs to be altered/lengthened/returned. I also try to frequent stores that have a selection of longer length skirts.

School shabbos is very anxiety producing, and she may be letting out her anxiety on you. In this case, I agree with the posters who suggested that you buy a new skirt/outfit for the school shabbos.

Hatzlacha

amother

Gray

Sun, May 06 2018, 9:14 pm

School Shabbos is a very stressful thing for many teens. My dd was so stressed about it, she stayed home. (Then got yelled at by the principal rebetzin).

My advice to you as a fellow mom of teens is to find a way to neutralize your triggers. I don't see another way to de-escalate and for a chance to restore the possibility of warmth you used to have. The warmth can come back, just be patient and dont dump your triggered states onto her. Easier said than done, I know.

Frumwithallergies

Sun, May 06 2018, 9:19 pm

sim wrote:

I'm an experienced mom of teenage girls. My sympathies for what you're going through. Your daughter sounds like a perfectly normal teen, and I'm sorry that you are both upset.
That being said, the right thing to do here is to buy her another skirt, by hook or by crook. School shabbos is a big deal. If things are tight, do it anyway. This is important.
Next: I'm guessing that your mom takes your kids shopping and takes that financial burden from you at times. She sounds nice, but it seems that you might need to rethink or rework that arrangement if she buys things that don't meet your tznius standards. Perhaps you can go along, or establish that you have veto power?
Last: if money is tight and she feels that she more clothing than you can afford, find a calm time to talk to her privately. Establish that you will buy her a certain number/dollar value of clothing, and you will allow her to use $ she earns to buy the rest on her own, subject to your approval.
Good luck!

This sounds like sound, wise advice! I have daughters approaching teenage-hood and will try to keep your advice in my back pocket.

amother

Denim

Sun, May 06 2018, 9:25 pm

amother wrote:

There is wisdom in this simple comment. And understanding. Thank you.

amother

Mustard

Sun, May 06 2018, 9:40 pm

Op while my daughter is not a teen yet, I can definitely relate to u saying how u feel when ur daughter complains that u and dh dont take care of her and dont buy her things and dont give enough afterschool classes etc...

My daughter does the same thing and complains that we cant afford things while constantly comparing herself to her peers. It is hurtful to me bc I work hard to provide for basics....and I do get resentful of her comments. But the truth is that deep down, I know that it is hard for kids especially girls (regarding clothing) to be different. So, your daughter does not really mean for her comments to hurt u. Shes having a hard time adjusting to her not fitting in. My sil will always buy her kids including the boys, the things their classmates have so as to avoid her children feeling bad about themselves being different. How she has the money is something I cant answer which is why I dont follow her advice bc its not realistic if u cant afford it.

So, I understand how u feel and dont have a solution but remember that ur daughter complaining is just her saying that shes having a hard time being different"" and wants to fit in.

rdmom

Sun, May 06 2018, 9:50 pm

Don’t get me started on the 4 inch thing. All I can say is that it killed a lot of people and turned off a lot of kids from yiddishkeit.

I once heard a principal of a Bais yaakov type school speak. Why did they take a chumra (4 inch below the knee skirts) and make it into a Halacha. And then added chumras on top of it. Become I know a tall kid who was told that because she is so tall, 4 inches for her wasn’t enough. She needs to wear 6 inches. And today, she doesn’t cover her knees at all.

I am not saying this is the case here. But when a kid starts resenting stuff, you have to decide which battle is worth fighting.

amother

Cerulean

Sun, May 06 2018, 9:59 pm

Would you take a shot and show it to a seamstress to see if there’s anything she might be able to do?
Next time make a point to show you anything she buys, even just so u can compliment her on her good taste, so you won’t have this happening again.
For now don’t tell her anything until she’s cooled off.

amother

Teal

Sun, May 06 2018, 10:10 pm

amother wrote:

My daughter tells me we are bad parents. I quit work to be a SAHM. Many times I heard her friends and my nieces say they wish I was their mom. I listen to her complaints and am flabbergasted where she comes up with them.

It is a process they go through to get their independence. My advice would be not to let her trigger you. Don't play into it.

I think you handled the skirt situation nicely.

amother

Cyan

Sun, May 06 2018, 10:12 pm

My mother used to say things like you said and I got more and more turned off and it completely killed my relationship with her.
Sometimes you need to let a teen go. If it’s covering her knees, pick your battles. Do you really want to fight over the extra inches that aren’t even a Halacha?
School shabbos is so stressful for a teenage girl who’s trying to fit in and make it socially. Let her feel good about what she’s wearing, and close your eyes and walk away if she’s triggering you. Show her you love her no matter what choices she makes.
You can also come up with a policy that you will pay for clothing that you approve of and the rest she needs to spend her own money on. But gently and lovingly relay the message.

amother

Khaki

Sun, May 06 2018, 10:34 pm

Thank you all again so much for your help, I'm touched that so many people took the time to share their thoughts and experience.

I am a little misjudged, my daughter was not particularly offended by anything I said (she happily accepts the 4" "halacha" in theory, as do I, because its just the norm in our community), she is just terrified of not having the right outfit for school Shabbos. And she is not deprived in any way financially, I've always been careful, along with her grandparents, to dress her nicely, and she's had some extras like lessons, too.

This post is really more about managing my triggers and her new comparison mindset. Those posts that addressed those issues were the most helpful to me.

amother

Khaki

Sun, May 06 2018, 10:36 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

There is also a difference between a 13 year old teen and a 17/18 year old. Until 14/15 I would enforce this is not tznius so I say no. Once a kid is in 11th /12 th grade I would give them bechira.

My daughter is a young teen.

energizerbubby

Sun, May 06 2018, 10:42 pm

You sound like you're saying all the right things and trying your best, it aint easy.
Most everyone posted good things, I think. It is important to feel right on these kinds of occasions. If you go the extra mile and try to find her an alternative to wear, you'll be showing her that you are on her side, which is so important.
You can't and shouldn't just detach yourself from your daughter's opinion, but I feel you need to take it easy and recognize when she is being irrational, like about your not giving her enough, and try not to take it to heart. She can't make you feel guilty with out your cooperation!
But also,the 4 inches below the knee thing is truly not halacha.
Try this out: a skirt that is just covering the knee, cut full, a-line or pleats or flared will cover the knee when sitting, even better than when standing, while on the other hand, a pencil skirt will ride up, even if it is 4" below. Try it.
Also listen to this past Motzie shabbos Headlines Radio Show( headlinestorah.com ) and you may be surprised. It's about tznius, halacha and chumros. It's important for you to be clear on what is halacha and what is chumra, even if you end up saying "you're right, it's ok, but you have to go along with the chumros of your school right now."
Its tough, hang it there!

energizerbubby

Sun, May 06 2018, 10:43 pm

redapple

Sun, May 06 2018, 10:52 pm

Feeling for u. My daughter is 12 and moody to. I would ignore those comments . Kids say very mean stuff cse they know how to push ur buttons to get their way. I always ignore in the moment cse then I would react with anger and I talk to her about it later when she and I are calmer. Don’t have any advice to give about the skirt issue but I feel as moms we can create the problem . not talking about op since I don’t know what she did previously but I see 4 y.o 5.yo girls wearing super short skirts/dresses at the beginning of the season so it’s not like it’s outgrown . How do we expect our girls to have a sensitivity to it when we dress them like that when they r younger and short skirts / dresses are more acceptable then?