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Forum
-> Yom Tov / Holidays
-> Shavuos
If I'm inviting guests that don't know me well, I tell them if the food is cholov stam.
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amother
cornflower
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 Tue, May 08 2018, 4:48 pm
I think you need to ask even if it is uncomfortable. If you don't do it in a judgmental way, then it shouldn't be too uncomfortable.
In Flatbush there are all types and sometimes people don't think outside of what they do. So if they eat Cholov stam it might not even occur to them to ask you. I agree that a lot of people wouldn't consider Cholov Yisroel a food restriction. So just be clear and ask the question.
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tichellady
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Tue, May 08 2018, 5:11 pm
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If you are the guest then yes you need to say something. “ I just want to let you know that we keep cholov yisroel, please let me know what we can bring”
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naturalmom5
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Tue, May 08 2018, 5:18 pm
| Ruchel wrote: | | I never assume anything except the bases for a visibly frum family. But even those. I've seen a sheitel lady unplug her blech, she said she was afraid of fires. I've seen very frei people koshering their kitchen for guests. I've seen a community leader serve treif meat way out of town. ETc etc. |
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amother
Burgundy
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Tue, May 08 2018, 5:21 pm
I'm selfish! If I'm hosting, I don't need the extra stress of having to come up with last-minute alternatives when I thought I was done preparing food! So I ask when I invite - allergies? CY? etc
(Plus I like my guests to feel comfortable  )
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tichellady
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Tue, May 08 2018, 5:23 pm
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I literally don’t know anyone who keeps cy where I live so I would never ask, but I would certainly want to know before planning the meal
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amother
Gold
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Tue, May 08 2018, 5:35 pm
Please let your guest know.
We were invited out a regular Shabbat lunch in the summer. We assumed it would be meat.
They served dairy, chalav Stam. We eat only Chalav Yisrael. We literally only ate challah.
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Rachel Shira
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Tue, May 08 2018, 6:31 pm
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We keep chalav yisrael and are makpid on keilim too, which is the norm in my community. If you lived in my community but don’t keep it, I would hope you would let guests know because eating any dairy at your house might be a problem even if you bought special CY ingredients (of course it’s possible to make it work but it would be a shame for everyone if it wasn’t spoken about in advance). On the other hand, if the guest is the odd one out in the community by keeping CY, I would say they are responsible to let the host know.
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ra_mom
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Tue, May 08 2018, 6:34 pm
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Just ask if they're makpid on cholov yisroel.
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watergirl
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Tue, May 08 2018, 6:36 pm
| amother wrote: | Please let your guest know.
We were invited out a regular Shabbat lunch in the summer. We assumed it would be meat.
They served dairy, chalav Stam. We eat only Chalav Yisrael. We literally only ate challah. |
Literally everything else in the meal had dairy in it?
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simba
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Tue, May 08 2018, 6:38 pm
OP got her answer. This thread is on track to bashing the CY crowd for being so self righteous. I'm reporting my post. Please lock this thread.
[the nasty post was removed -Yael]
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Chayalle
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Tue, May 08 2018, 6:42 pm
| Rachel Shira wrote: | | We keep chalav yisrael and are makpid on keilim too, which is the norm in my community. If you lived in my community but don’t keep it, I would hope you would let guests know because eating any dairy at your house might be a problem even if you bought special CY ingredients (of course it’s possible to make it work but it would be a shame for everyone if it wasn’t spoken about in advance). On the other hand, if the guest is the odd one out in the community by keeping CY, I would say they are responsible to let the host know. |
Interesting. We eat CY but we are not makpid on Keilim. This came about because I asked my Rav about this, as I have siblings and extended family who are not makpid on CY, and I was asking about OU-DE (when it existed) as well. My Rav said there's a difference between a private person and a large-scale enterprise, and we did not eat OU-DE, but we do eat in my siblings' homes, as long as it's CY. They are really very accommodating to me about it, and it's something I really appreciate.
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Chayalle
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Tue, May 08 2018, 6:43 pm
| naturalmom5 wrote: | And. I unfortunately have met numerous women in Chayalles HOLY community that wouldn't dream of eating OU-D say things to me that the most banal vicious gentile wouldn't say.
Don't assume is right |
I never made any presumptions about being more holy just because CY is more widespread here. I think your post should be reported.
ETA: My sibling has an open, warm home where she regularly invites people who are lonely (single moms and their kids, a mildly-disabled young woman, etc...). She is not makpid on CY, and she's also alot more holy than I am, for sure.
I felt that aside from your remark, we were having a very respectful discussion about the norms in different communities re: CY. I reported your post.
Last edited by Chayalle on Tue, May 08 2018, 6:50 pm; edited 1 time in total
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mha3484
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Tue, May 08 2018, 6:46 pm
| amother wrote: | Please let your guest know.
We were invited out a regular Shabbat lunch in the summer. We assumed it would be meat.
They served dairy, chalav Stam. We eat only Chalav Yisrael. We literally only ate challah. |
We were invited to a Sheva Bracha like this one. I came from work so hungry and there was nothing we could eat.
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Rachel Shira
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Tue, May 08 2018, 6:48 pm
Like Chayalle, I don’t think I’m holier than anyone. I just happen to keep this chumra. Other people keep other chumras. I don’t know anyone who keeps CY who thinks they’re more special than people who don’t.
I personally don’t think this thread needs to be locked, but it would be nice if it didn’t have to derail into personal attacks as that was not the point at all.
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zaq
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Tue, May 08 2018, 6:51 pm
| little neshamala wrote: | Neither.
I would never make a chalav stam meal without first asking if they eat chalav stam. If they dont, I would make it chalav yisrael.
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This.
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SixOfWands
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Tue, May 08 2018, 7:04 pm
| watergirl wrote: | | Literally everything else in the meal had dairy in it? |
I always make sure to make something without cheese, in case some benighted soul doesn't enjoy the finest food known to humans, so no one would go hungry.
Yes, I love my dairy.
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zaq
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Tue, May 08 2018, 7:33 pm
| SixOfWands wrote: | I always make sure to make something without cheese, in case some benighted soul doesn't enjoy the finest food known to humans, so no one would go hungry.
Yes, I love my dairy. |
Not to mention some folks are lactose intolerant or have dairy allergy or are vegan. My policy is to ask any first-time guest at time of invitation if s/he has any food allergies or avoidances, and write them down for future reference. We’ve hosted people who are vegan; allergic to melons, mangos, eggs, bananas, chocolate and red food coloring; eat only Chassidish shechitah; eat nothing made with white flour, white rice, white sugar, or white potatoes; yadda yadda yadda. You’d think people would tell you at the outset but they don’t always remember. CY isn’t usually an issue because we rarely have guests for milchik meals, but Shavuot is of course an exception. Yes, the guest should volunteer the info, but the host should also ask.
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DVOM
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Tue, May 08 2018, 7:39 pm
deleted
Last edited by DVOM on Tue, May 08 2018, 7:47 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Yael
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Tue, May 08 2018, 7:39 pm
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I have cleaned up the thread. Please keep to the topic of communicating dietary needs to guests/hosts and not about the behaviour of cholov yisroel vs cholov stam eaters.
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amother
Seagreen
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Tue, May 08 2018, 10:56 pm
When I was an older teen I moved to New York to learn in a seminary for baalei teshuvos.
As it was a Chabad school (three cheers for Machon Chana!), I never been exposed to anyone who ate gebrokts on Pesach. (Chabad is extremely careful with gebrokts.) And then I started working in the broader community and a coworker invited me to join her for a meal at her aunt's house, so I accepted.
I was shocked when I arrived to find matzah crumbs on top of kugel and matzoh balls, and so on and so forth... It never crossed my mind to worry about that and the hostess never thought to ask. I was left with basically only matzah, though I did eat the soup (probably wasn't allowed, but wasn't halachically aware of the issue at the time), and I only ate the soup because the aunt made me feel guilty for not eating it... You see, my coworker forgot to mention that I was a vegetarian, as well, and that didn't go over well with the hostess.
I still have knots in my stomach when I think about it.
As a hostess, your job is absolutely to make the meal the most comfortable for your guests. That means honoring needs in regards to allergies AND kashrus, etc. Your guests will thank you. 
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