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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
silbergirl
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 Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:01 am
In many families, the mothers do not even attend the bris and the bris is a very small affair without family members from outside the community. As most births do not happen at the duedate and hence you cannot plan the exact date of the bris (plus sometimes the baby is jaundiced or underweight and needs to wait), a lot of times, family members who are not inside of the community or live super close can not even attend because the date is quite spontaneous.
Yes, family at the bris is beautiful but not if they are a burden and not a help.
I would, apart from maybe parents, try to tell them that they do not have to come. Is there a rabbi or rebbetzin or other community members who could provide you with some meals?
Also, some communities have recovery homes for new moms, would that be an option? Then you do not even have to explain why you cannot host. You are recovering and thats that.
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SuperWify
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Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:16 am
| amother wrote: | Op, have you read anything about the postpartum period?
I have five children, please let me explain what the postpartum period is like:
Physically, you will have been put through the ringer. You will have endured the difficult experience of labor and pushing out a baby, which will likely be the most physically traumatizing thing you will have ever experienced. Iy"H you will avoid a c-section (although you never know), which is a major stomach surgery. If you deliver vagin*lly, you will likely have been cut or torn a bit, and you will feel extremely sore and in pain in that area, making normal functions like sitting down and using the bathroom uncomfortable. Your whole pelvis and all your pelvic floor muscles will feel sore, heavy, and the downward pressure may even make walking exhausting for the first week or more. Your pregnancy hormones and adrenaline from the birth will begin to drop drastically on day 2 postpartum, and continue to drop over the next six weeks as your hormone levels taper off to nonpregnant levels, leaving you emotionally depleted and raw, and vulnerable to depression if you are not feeling very supported. Your breasts will fill with milk on day three, causing painful engorgement that takes a while to regulate as your baby gets a feeding routine established, and your milk supply evens out. This may make wearing a bra too painful for a few days, which makes getting dressed and leaving your room a little uncomfortable. Your newborn will nurse for long stretches, sometimes like forty five minutes until drifting off to sleep, only to wake a short while later crying for another lengthy feeding, and most newborns do not sleep for even ten minutes if they are put down, so you will likely be feeding and holding your newborn pretty much exclusively for the first few weeks. You will have no difference between night and day, as your body desperately begs for sleep so it can heal from birth, your newborn will ensure that you do not sleep very much at all the first few weeks. (Eventually your baby will sleep four hour stretches, but this will not happen until six weeks to two months post birth.). For the first few weeks, things like getting dressed, taking a shower, eating lunch can seem like milestones, as you try to balance the needs of a newborn with your own physical needs (forget things like laundry, cleaning, or cooking supper!)
Op, I am not writing this to scare you, but with great compassion - even if you want to be a wonderful hostess/daughter/dil - do you really think a postpartum woman CAN host a bunch of people, make meals for them, etc? Do you think it's possible for a postpartum woman to balance her physical recovery, a newborn, and a house full of guests?
Anyone that would expect that of a postpartum woman is cruel. |
This. All of this!!
OP the pp period especially for a first time mom can be a nightmare! Please rethink your decision for hosting many guests.
You can cater a small affair in a shul for the bris. Your mom and mom in law should offer to cook and I’m sure your community would live to chip in. Do not invite anyone else but parents.
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amother
Blush
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Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:18 am
If you don't know what you are having, I think you should find out.
When I was due 3 days before Pesach, you better believe I found out and told all the parents NOT to come for Pesach as there will be NO BRIT MILAH.
If you know you're having a girl, you can let go of all this stress.
I was once a guest in a small-ish community for a Shabbas brit milah. The friends of the new parents all hosted small groups of the guests so that the new parents could have the Shabbas meals alone with the baby and not feel any pressure of hosting and being dressed, etc. Could this be an option?
Please reread Amethyst's post 10x a day.
I will add - nursing doesn't come easily and you cannot be stressed if you want to nurse well. The first few weeks that I had my first, I had to strip naked to nurse, obviously only in my room. When people came to visit (and I limited visits very much) I had to excuse myself every time the baby had to nurse. Of course, it gradually gets easier and very soon I was nursing in public like a champ. But you really want to take it easy in the beginning. You will not want to be dressed in your finest clothing, you might not want a headcovering on, etc.
If you wear a bra at all, it will probably be a sleeping bra with not much support.
Sitting and going to the bathroom will be very painful. Most likely you will be in the mood to make kiddush, take a break to nurse, eat a simple meal and then go to bed. The first weeks are just a blur.
B'sha'ah tova and I hope it all works out!
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amother
Yellow
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Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:23 am
Omg, this is so foreign to what I was raised about post partum mothers.
In my world, post partum mothers are the ones to be hosted not doing the hosting. If they do live oot and want to host, the guest do all the cooking and cleaning. The new mother is pampered and taken care of, not the other way around.
I'm having a baby very soon bsha tovah, most of my family do not live near me and some will fly in. They will all be having their own meals and only my parents will stay by me.
And they will probably buy the food and all.
This is your first, you have no clue what it'll be like after. Please make sure that there is no added pressure or expectations of you. That would be ridiculous. Post partum is the new mom's time to rest and adjust to the changes a new baby brings. Bsha tovah!
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Rappel
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Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:25 am
| amother wrote: | Op, have you read anything about the postpartum period?
I have five children, please let me explain what the postpartum period is like:
Physically, you will have been put through the ringer. You will have endured the difficult experience of labor and pushing out a baby, which will likely be the most physically traumatizing thing you will have ever experienced. Iy"H you will avoid a c-section (although you never know), which is a major stomach surgery. If you deliver vagin*lly, you will likely have been cut or torn a bit, and you will feel extremely sore and in pain in that area, making normal functions like sitting down and using the bathroom uncomfortable. Your whole pelvis and all your pelvic floor muscles will feel sore, heavy, and the downward pressure may even make walking exhausting for the first week or more. Your pregnancy hormones and adrenaline from the birth will begin to drop drastically on day 2 postpartum, and continue to drop over the next six weeks as your hormone levels taper off to nonpregnant levels, leaving you emotionally depleted and raw, and vulnerable to depression if you are not feeling very supported. Your breasts will fill with milk on day three, causing painful engorgement that takes a while to regulate as your baby gets a feeding routine established, and your milk supply evens out. This may make wearing a bra too painful for a few days, which makes getting dressed and leaving your room a little uncomfortable. Your newborn will nurse for long stretches, sometimes like forty five minutes until drifting off to sleep, only to wake a short while later crying for another lengthy feeding, and most newborns do not sleep for even ten minutes if they are put down, so you will likely be feeding and holding your newborn pretty much exclusively for the first few weeks. You will have no difference between night and day, as your body desperately begs for sleep so it can heal from birth, your newborn will ensure that you do not sleep very much at all the first few weeks. (Eventually your baby will sleep four hour stretches, but this will not happen until six weeks to two months post birth.). For the first few weeks, things like getting dressed, taking a shower, eating lunch can seem like milestones, as you try to balance the needs of a newborn with your own physical needs (forget things like laundry, cleaning, or cooking supper!)
Op, I am not writing this to scare you, but with great compassion - even if you want to be a wonderful hostess/daughter/dil - do you really think a postpartum woman CAN host a bunch of people, make meals for them, etc? Do you think it's possible for a postpartum woman to balance her physical recovery, a newborn, and a house full of guests?
Anyone that would expect that of a postpartum woman is cruel. |
I'm with Amethyst. PP is a time of transition. It can be very exciting if you rest and DO NOTHING, and *very* horrible if you don't. The more stress you out on yourself during that period, the longer it will take for you to heal - up to 2-3 years! No one has the right to put that kind of stress on you, and you cannot allow it to happen if you want your year after birth to be sane.
Now, the challenge: I definitely can relate to your problem. My parents also live far away, and theyre also incapable of caring for me, for similar reasons. When they come, they expect the red carpet treatment. We cannot provide that after birth, so I tell them not to come. It hurts a lot, but it would be worse the other way around. Instead, we plan a date a few months down the line when they will come, and get to enjoy the baby more, since he has a personality by then. My sister, who is an enormous help, does come pp. Do I cook pp? No way. Do I clean? Heck no! I stay in bed, or on the couch, or in the garden. Husband/sister brings me food, drink, books, and make sure I sleep when the baby sleeps. I wear pyjamas all day, and only my female neighbors visit - for 5 minutes at a time. It sounds entitled, but that is actually what you need for 3-4 weeks *at least* after birth. It's really hard to go against the wishes of your parents, but hope you will be able to give yourself thespace to heal, thrive, and get to know your new baby and your new life!
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amother
Chartreuse
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Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:27 am
My sister had a baby a week before sukkos and had family come and stay over for a 3 day yom tov for the bris (they live to out of town).
1. All the people that came divided up the meals and made all the food. She and her husband did not make any food.
2. Most people slept at other people's houses in the area. My parents and a single sister (who was a huge help) slept at their house.
3. The bris and accompanying meal was catered.
Please take it from us that have had children -childbirth is difficult and painful, and if you try to be superwoman, you are guaranteed to regret it.
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amother
Royalblue
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Sun, Jun 24 2018, 10:09 am
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Rappel said it beautifully -- it can be a very wonderful time if ALL you are doing is taking care of the baby and yourself. Thats a full time job.
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amother
Royalblue
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Sun, Jun 24 2018, 10:11 am
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Since no one ever knows just when the baby will make his or her appearance cooking and freezing for yourself and DH in advance can be helpful. Not for others and not for the stress of anticipating guests. The anticipation of firstborn alone is enough.
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Marz613
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Sun, Jun 24 2018, 10:55 am
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As nice as it sounds to have everyone share in your simcha, it's a huge mistake to host. You should be alone in your house with your husband and baby. Nursing can be very physically and emotionally draining. Caring for your first newborn, not so simple, it's a big adjustment. You may be fine after birth, but having all those people in the house may push you over the edge. It probably will. I would recommend that everyone find their own accommodations, or simply tell them they can visit a few weeks after the baby is born. Nothing will happen if they miss the bris.
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amother
Ivory
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Sun, Jun 24 2018, 3:26 pm
I agree with everyone! Let me tell you what happened after I had my first.
I was such a wreck after the birth that I begged my mother (who is very helpful B"H) to come right away. I left the hospital a day early because I needed to sleep and I can't sleep in hospitals - they are too loud and uncomfortable.
I came home and my mother stayed for a week to help. When she left, I cried and was a mess and felt so overwhelmed. I was literally falling apart from the lack of sleep.
We made a pidyon haben and my in-laws, who are not helpful, called and said they want to fly in for the pidyon haben and stay for a week or two.
I lost it! I told DH there is no way I can host them a month after giving birth. He felt terrible because it was their first grandchild, but we were buying pizza and eating sandwiches - there was no way I was cooking or hosting. He told them it would be too much for me and they did not come.
Do not invite anyone for anything! Unless they will cook, clean and do your laundry!
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octopus
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Sun, Jun 24 2018, 3:45 pm
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I give you a bracha that you should have a super duper easy recovery from your birth. I know that after my first birth, my recovery was the hardest from all my births. I know many women experience the same thing. Your body is also getting used to nursing (which it hasn't done before) and there are so many aches and pains postpartum, you need your privacy. And your own bathroom.
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Rappel
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Sun, Jun 24 2018, 3:49 pm
| octopus wrote: | | And your own bathroom. |
This.
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Butterfly
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Sun, Jun 24 2018, 5:11 pm
OP, no need for me to chime in about how to handle the situation with your guests.
The poster's on this thread have already given you great suggestions and a heads up of what to expect PP.
Hopefully you will accept their suggestions seriously so you can enjoy your precious newborn in peace and harmony and have an easy and relaxing pp recuperation and bezrH regain your strength quickly and healthfully.
Just wanted to add something that might put your mind at ease somewhat. (or perhaps not?...)
The stress that you are accumulating in your mind about all your guests joining you at the bris during succos might not even happen on succos, so please stop stressing about the unknown.
It can very possibly be that you might over carry the baby a week or longer, which is very typical with firstborns.
Then again you can possibly give birth early in the ninth month which also happens occasionally by firstborns.
No one, not even your Dr. can predict with 100% accuracy the exact day your baby is due to enter the world unless you're scheduled for a c-section in advance and by 'appointment only'.
And whenever the baby will imy'H arrive just remember that the same suggestions of the previous posters apply:
Taking care of yourself and your precious newborn first and foremost.
Beshaah tova
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abaker
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Sun, Jun 24 2018, 5:33 pm
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no, no, no! please do not host anyone at all! this is a special bonding time for you, your dh, and new baby. please rethink this. if family doesn't stay elsewhere (hotel or neighbors) tell them they can come for chanukah or pesach when you are feeling better. babies are more exciting then anyway. newborns sleep eat and make dirty diapers. the grandparents will enjoy much more when baby is sitting up, smiling, and snacking on cheerios in a couple months.
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amother
Chartreuse
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Sun, Jun 24 2018, 6:27 pm
| amother wrote: | My sister had a baby a week before sukkos and had family come and stay over for a 3 day yom tov for the bris (they live to out of town).
1. All the people that came divided up the meals and made all the food. She and her husband did not make any food.
2. Most people slept at other people's houses in the area. My parents and a single sister (who was a huge help) slept at their house.
3. The bris and accompanying meal was catered.
Please take it from us that have had children -childbirth is difficult and painful, and if you try to be superwoman, you are guaranteed to regret it. |
I wrote this post. Just wanted to add that my sister had a baby nurse then as well to take the baby during the nights and during the day as needed. It was a huge help. Invest in a baby nurse if possible if you end up hosting.
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amother
Babypink
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Sun, Jun 24 2018, 7:11 pm
15 years ago, I had my first and was pressured to host a Shabbos bris, Kiddush, etc in my small aptmnt. I didn't know about Imamother at the time, and so I agreed. I had to put up with my MIL rearranging my entire kitchen so I literally couldn't find anything. I had ppl traipsing in and out until well past midnight and had zero privacy. My husband was so busy greeting ppl that he did not hold the baby the entire weekend. I had to clean the bathroom because no one would do it and there were tons of guests using it the whole Shabbos. Oh and even tho my parents paid for the food to be catered, my MIL boxed everything up on Sat nite and gave it away to her other children so we didn't even have leftovers to eat the next week.
I don't think I've ever recovered. Seriously.
This is the worst thing ever. Please please please. take care care of yourself. its really important. No one else's feelings matter right now. not your mom, not your MIL, or any family members. you are allowed to need what you need.
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amother
Amethyst
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Sun, Jun 24 2018, 7:30 pm
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To the poster above, I just want to validate that you were treated thoughtlessly when you were vulnerable, allow yourself to grieve, I'm so sorry. I don't know if this helps, but one day when that little baby boy is married, you will know how to protect and support your future daughter in law after she gives birth to his baby. So yyou will break the cycle and be an amazing role model for the future generations on how to treat a postpartum woman.
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amother
Rose
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Sun, Jun 24 2018, 7:39 pm
The few times we hosted after birth (also due to our living very far from family), I relaxed and everyone else did everything. MIL brought/made food, all the sibs in law set up, shopped, cleared..I mean, that is the only way.
So you can host if you make veeeery clear up front that you will be resting in bed while everyone else does everything. Like, everything.
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amother
Brunette
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Sun, Jun 24 2018, 7:52 pm
Well, I started reading the responses and what I wanted to say I guess was said already.
Simply, you don’t feel well after giving birth for a few days .... maybe even 10 days and aside for the pain the lack of sleep and exhaustion is not to be believed. Even though you will be elated to have your baby you will be in pain and beyond tired that first week or so. The last thing you will want is to have guests in your house.
Do not plan to have anyone! If it works out that your baby’s bris is on a regular weeekday some people will come... that’s it! No one will move in for yomtov... you will not be up to that. I think we made this clear to you. For all you know this baby could be born after yomtov so you shouldn’t plan anything other than taking care of yourself.
One thing I have learned from my pregnancies.... we worry so much about different arrangements that have to be made for the birth ... sometimes there seems to be no solution! But I can vouch that somehow things always work out at the end.
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bruriyah
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Mon, Jun 25 2018, 8:05 am
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Slateblue, I would like you to think of the concept of asking someone who is recovering from a car accident to host 8 meals with 15 people each. Ridiculous right? Having a baby is wonderful and everything but for most people, it is traumatic, especially a first birth. If this isn't the case for you, consider youself lucky. But to even thing of executing a hosting project like you are describing is beyond ridiculous, and as someone mentioned, to expectt this is cruel. Besides, whatever energy you will have left should be used to bond with you baby, not entertain guests. You won't get those moments with you baby back. You can always host your family a different time.
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